Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Hey, Hey, Valerie Plame

Current Song: "Valerie Plame" -- The Decemberists

Yeah, this song is really annoying. Sorry, Colin. I still want to know you, biblically.

I'm collecting RSS Feeds in anticipation of getting that job that I want the most. (Newswire.) They called me today but I missed the phone and then by the time I called back they were gone. I left a message during which I choked and went "uhhhhhhh excuse me" because I'm an asshole, but I hope they call me back tomorrow. Apparently hiring is done through some sort of headhunting/recruiting company, which I am totally fine with, as I hope it translates into Phone Interview (the call came from San Francisco.) Seriously, guys, just give me the job already.

Also check out The Weekly Vice for sensational news stories about criminals who probably deserve to die, or at least be burned with hot things.

My cats are spooning again and I'm jealous that they get more affection from each other than I do from them.

well this isn't working

turns out i'm bored and depressed and still didn't get to the pharmacy or really out of bed at all and my skin is broken out and i hate the sight of everything i own and all i want to do is disappear. fuckers.

I Seem To Have Had A Species Of Epiphany

[EDIT: somebody send me some motherfucking money.]

Monday, September 29, 2008

Tonight I Thirst For Real Blood

Current Song: "Energy" - The Apples In Stereo

This song is just good times. It's available for free download somewhere, probably Hits In The Car! (Google it.) Or maybe it was Amazon MP3s. I don't remember.

I applied for what sounds like the most boring job in the entire world, scanning documents for the Veterans' Benefits Administration, but it's local and it pays at least as well as my last job, with better health insurance. So it's got that going for it. I got bored halfway through the application and just started clicking "yes" for every question, so hopefully they're not looking too hard at that whole thing.

The more I think about it the more I would take the job I interviewed for today, crazy Christian folk or not. Unless it pays for shit or doesn't have benefits. They said they'd get back to me in about 2 weeks if they want me for a second interview, and I was like "eh, I'm available all the time." And I explained why I quit my job and they were very understanding. Everyone that I've had to explain it to has been very understanding, actually. Most people are like "Christ you couldn't pay me enough to do that job." Which, you know, apparently me neither.

I'm on this huge The Twilight Sad kick lately. I'm in love with the heavy Scottish accent. I wish they had more than just this album, but we always have hope. Okkervil River and TV on the Radio are coming out with new stuff soon (it may have happened already, I'm not as on top of things as I should be) so I'm looking forward to getting a job so I can buy more music. This not being able to spend money freely on multimedia shit is killing me. And I kind of hate downloading things. And my landlord's a dick about streaming media. Yeah, I don't know either.

I'm hungry again. I made chicken with lime vinaigrette and asparagus for dinner, but that was hours ago. And I ate a bunch of things with marshmallow in them because I love marshmallows. Now that I've applied for yet another job I don't want, I feel like my work here is done.

Oh, also, if you reply "I'm on it" to one more thing I say, ever, in any context, I'm probably going to punch a hole through your face. You condescending bitch, how dare you. This last one was just an offhand comment and I was still like "I'm actually going to murder you for that" because the first time was so hurtful. Not cool.

She Can't Have Babies And Won't Accept Gifts From Me

Current Song: "Airbag" -- Radiohead

Uh, I just realized that I actually really need to get my Prozac refilled because I might just be going crazy. The downside of this whole thing is that it's easier to give up and stay in bed than it is to get to the pharmacy and cough up whatever ungodly amount of money it will cost to get the refill without insurance.

My fingers are cold and I don't want to do anything at all, but sleep sounds terribly unfulfilling. I already compulsively ate and I got bored with that, too. And even drinking has lost its luster.

I really wish I had a pinball machine. I love pinball and playing it online doesn't have the same appeal.

Also, how is "unfulfilling" not a word? Fuck you, spell check.

Someone rang the doorbell earlier and I ignored it. Once at one of my old houses I did that and it was the landlord, who opted to just walk right in. That was an awkward encounter.

We still haven't paid our utilities and it's been since June 1st. I think this is a pretty serious and overwhelming problem that I am in no way equipped to handle. I got a collection notice on one of my student loans today so I paid it even though I can't really afford to, but I don't have a printer so I can't file for deferment. Everything in life is really horrible and overwhelming right now. Meanwhile the landlord's daughter won't stop running around over my head.

Her Legs Were All Laid Bare

Current Song: "Chimbley Sweep" -- The Decemberists

The interview with that Christian missionary group went well but was weird and definitely involved words like "heresies" and "articles of faith." I don't know what the job pays or if it has health insurance, but if it pays enough to live on and I don't have to foot my medical bills entirely on my own, I'll take it if offered. I love not having a job, except for the part where I still have bills, and for that I will go back to work.

I sent a follow-up email to PR Newswire regarding that job that I want more than anything. It's in Richfield and would take me an hour and a half to get there every morning and it's still all I really want to do. Plus after a while I'd be allowed to work from home, which might go a long way toward solving my attendance problem. I just want them to get back to me to say "OK, start working here then." I don't think that's too much to ask.

I had lunch in a very pretentious coffeeshop in Merriam Park this afternoon after my interview. The sandwich was delicious but not filling enough and the atmosphere was annoying, as was the staff. Now I'm hungry and regretful that I paid $10 for lunch. Also, what respectable coffeeshop doesn't have a City Pages stand by the door?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Good Luck, For Your Sake I Hope Heaven And Hell Are Really There

Current Song: "Ocean Breathes Salty" -- Modest Mouse

I may have accidentally napped until right now. I have to be somewhere in the morning which is a great excuse for me to take Ambien tonight. Whoooooo legal drugs!

Do you think the Christian missionary organization is going to object to my nose ring? I guess if they do I don't really want to work there. That's sort of the rule I've got going, since I've taken it out for jobs before and it turned out they were the worst jobs ever (Old Faithful Inn and Hollywood Video. And I was supposed to take it out for that summer job in the dorms but I never did; that was still right up there with Worst Jobs Ever.)

I was having really elaborate dreams about Hell. I think it's a consequence of both the Vatican thing and the book I was reading. Also Dennis Kucinich was there, which is very strange as he is neither dead nor a regular part of my consciousness.

Like Drinking Poison

Current Song: "Like Eating Glass" -- Bloc Party

The Vatican Splendors exhibit was splendorific. I wanted to own everything there, from the works to the items in the gift shop. I want to be pope just to wear the outfits.

I need all the naps. I have to get up at a reasonable hour tomorrow to go to that interview for that job with that Christian missionary organization...weird. But if it pays OK and has health insurance, I'll take it. I wish that newswire would get back to me.

I just ate like 12 Reese's Pieces cookies. They were delectable, but I wish I hadn't eaten ALL of them.

My kitties are snuggled up on my bed, snoring, and I think I will join them. Or at least go back to reading The Encyclopedia of Witchcraft and Demonology.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Turns Out The Gypsy Did It

Current Song: "Anvil Chorus" -- Giuseppe Verdi (from Il Trovatore)

This is an instantly recognizable song (at about 1:10 you'll go "Oh, THIS one!") that I did not realize was in this opera until I was sitting in the audience. Also, opera is great. Also, I was grossly under-dressed (definitely the only person in the theater in jeans) and it made me feel like an asshole.

Don't let me forget I'm seeing the Vatican Treasures exhibit tomorrow. Thank God for having bought tickets to a bunch of things before I was unemployed.

Every time I try to make food one of my cats decides to poop and it's very unappetizing. I think they're punishing me for something. Bastards.

I'm off to eat cookies and watch TV and generally waste my life.

I'm Going To The Opera Tonight

Current Song: "Godhopping" -- Dogs Die In Hot Cars

I have an interview on Monday for a job I don't really want, but should probably take if they offer it to me. It's just an office manager job, no big deal.

I spent the night on Jayme's couch and it was so humid that for most of the night I thought I was going to suffocate. Then I had a species of nightmare where Brian snapped and took us all hostage and I escaped by jumping out a window. It was weird. That was for the hour or so out of the whole night that I was actually asleep, because - and I hate to keep driving this point into the ground - I have horrible insomnia. I left at 6:30 AM when Chris's alarm started going off without stopping and it made me want to die. Then I hiked for 2.1 miles, apparently, down to Coffman to catch a bus home. It didn't seem like 2 miles but that does explain why it took me an hour to get there. I just got home about 20 minutes ago and now I'm going to lie down in my nice comfy bed in my not-humid room and try to for God's sake get some rest.

Laterz, kids. Be safe out there.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Sometimes Crazy Shit Just Happens, You Know?

Current Song: "Dashboard" -- Modest Mouse

Uh, I just checked my bank accounts and I've got a $400 deposit pending from my last job...I highly suspect that it is a gift from God. See, a few years ago when I was very desperately broke and in pretty big trouble, I suddenly got a check for about $800 from an old job for an alleged retirement account that pretty much had never existed until I needed the money. That was clearly a gift from God. I think this might be along the same lines. I'm not an especially religious person but in the face of things like that it kind of screws with your head.

Somebody Bring Me Some Food And A Nap

Current Song: "Walk In The Park" -- Oh No! Oh My!

I volunteered to work backstage at the Minnesota AIDS Project's Big Hair Mania fundraiser on Halloween, so let's hope we avoid a blackout disaster like last year. Oddly, I will still be at a Dance Band show at the Varsity, but I probably won't be quite as drunk. Also I volunteered to work backstage because then I get the enjoyment of hanging out with the band without having to accidentally run into anyone unpleasant.

I'm hungry but nothing sounds good. I wish I had more pork chops. Soon enough, I guess. Soon enough.

I'm almost done with my laundry and it's only taken two days. I've entirely run out of places to put clean clothes, though, so I'm not positive what I'm going to do about that. At least my room is slightly more acceptable to the average visitor, now. Not that I'm having anyone over anytime soon. More likely I'm stumbling drunkenly around by myself. I went to pet my cat last night and fell off my bed. Thanks, Burrito Loco!

I just remembered that I got a free t-shirt at the bar last night. It advertises the movie Choke. I hate Chuck Palhinaiuk or whatever the fuck his last name is. Fight Club was a terrible, terrible book. (Great movie, though. One of the rare instances in which the movie is better than the book. Like the Shawshank Redemption: that story sucked.)

I have a liter of root beer flavored liqueur and I'm probably going to drink it. It might be a smart idea to eat something, since all I've eaten today was a reheated burrito that I brought home last night. And it wasn't reheated well.

They're The Ones Who Spit At You

Current Song: "Missed The Boat" -- Modest Mouse

I have a crush on Isaac Brock even though he's an insane crack addict.

There's a disturbing rumor floating around that Johnny Depp has signed with Disney to make a fourth Pirates movie. Weren't the second two bad enough? I think that third one went on for about 90 hours and made very little sense. And what was with the multiple Jack Sparrows? Goddamn that was a stupid movie.

I'm sitting here obsessively checking my email for requests for job interviews. Interspersed with long periods of time in the basement doing laundry. Also my landlord folded my laundry that was in the dryer when he needed it, including several bras and pairs of granny panties, so, sorry Karl. Or Jeannette, I'm not sure, but either way, Sorry.

There's got to be more to do on the internet than this. Also I miss dryers with digital timers so I knew when I had to go back and get my stuff. I undershoot it every time and go down there when I'm not needed, which is irritating at best. Also I've done five loads of laundry and I'm not done. I wasn't kidding when I noted that I had a Laundry Problem.

But We Still Got The Radio

Current Song: "Dashboard" -- Modest Mouse

The state is making my doctor fill out a form testifying to the fact that I quit my job because I'm hopelessly insane. Unfortunately I lost my health insurance when I quit my job so I don't have a doctor. Luckily my old shrink from the U is totally willing to fill out the form without charging me or anything. Like I said, she actually is the best shrink ever. So hopefully this ends in me getting unemployment payments, because rent is due soon and my bank accounts are rapidly shrinking.

I can't sleep at night and then I sleep too late during the day so it's entered a vicious cycle that I'm not sure I can get out of anytime soon.

I'm still out of Prozac and it's raining (plus my bus pass expired) so I'm not going to Target today to get it refilled. This is a bad idea.

I actually woke up with a bit of a hangover this morning for the first time in a while. Thanks, Burrito Loco!

I need to get back to doing all the laundry that was aborted last night.

Two Worlds Collided

Current Song: "Never Tear Us Apart" -- INXS

Gah, I had six vodka tonics and then called my mom, so, sorry for the drunk dial, Mom. I need an anti-rape phone friend because I was walking across campus at midnight, alone, and drunk. And nobody else picked up. I walked from B. Loco to Coffman and then from Target to my house and really all the walking did a lot to sober me up. Also it's 57 degrees outside, which was AWESOME and that's not sarcasm it actually was really nice. Now I'm heating a burrito and preparing to watch some television that I've seen a million times because all I have is DVD. I should find more online MST3K to watch; I love that shit.

I applied for a job today with a newswire that has a bureau in Minneapolis. It's a grunt-work kind of research job, totally out of my career field but it sounds like a super fun time and it's not like I'm not staring at the internet for 8 hours a day anyway, which would be the job. I sailed through the online interview portion of the application, so hopefully I get to the real interview and then to the working there portions.

Instead of doing dishes today I did laundry, which was excessively necessary but I left to go to the bar in the middle and then my landlord texted me and was like "I clearly need the washer." So I'm the asshole, is the point. Whoops!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Now I Hate Everyone In America BUT You

Current Song: "Bury Me With It" -- Modest Mouse

Yay, Clay Aiken! And I think your son is as cute as a newborn baby can be. Damn all the haters.


P.S. Your music still sucks. Sorry, dude.

One Is A Wanderer

Current Song: "You Could Die (Or This Might End)" -- Ted Leo & The Pharmacists

Bah, I drank about a quarter of a bottle of Jagermeister but it just made me tired and gave me a headache. There are no jobs in this country and welfare reform is ruining everybody's life. My grace period on my six-figure student loan debt seems to have run out and I'm pretty tempted to just let it default. Fuck 'em. Except the one I have a co-signer on. And the federal loans. But the private loans? Fuck 'em.

I ran out of cookies and the thrill is gone on the cookie dough, especially with this headache. I need to put some clothes on and chase down the girl cat to give her her antibiotics. I totally failed at leaving the house today and I think I fell asleep for a long time in the afternoon because I don't really remember doing anything until it was nighttime. I'm avoiding phone calls and face time, except with the cats. I saw Karl in the backyard last night and it was awkward, but not quite too awkward to not say anything to him. I'm out of things to watch and watching TV via internet is too much of a burden. I'm reading James Thurber for about the fiftieth time but all I'm really doing is looking at the pages instead of reading the book. I still haven't summoned the energy to do the dishes. I feel like the new neighbors can see right into my bedroom and it makes me self-conscious, but not so self-conscious that I'm not sitting here in a towel.

Jesus, tomorrow is another day.

Monday, September 22, 2008

It's The Weapon You Hold And The Thing You Hold Dear

Current Song: "For The Pier (And Dead Shimmering)" -- Sunset Rubdown

I did not get that job. I got a very nice letter from them saying You were clearly qualified and We Loved Meeting You but You Were Up Against someone with actual experience so We Gave It To Them. Now I'm too depressed to look for other jobs, but if anyone knows of a research job that doesn't require a hard science degree or statistical analysis, I want it.

I went out to buy food and cookie dough, obviously, at Target. I was sad and pissed off and everyone there was an asshole. Then I got on the bus to go home and the driver sped away while I was still paying, so my grocery bag fell over into the aisle. And I had to pick it up while she was still driving at breakneck speed. Then I sat down, put the bag between my feet, and put my gallon of milk on the seat next to me. I reached into my bag to put my bus pass away and she randomly accelerated again, throwing my gallon of milk into the girl seated at the front of the bus. I apologized and she reacted really weirdly and that's when I realized she was blind. I pummeled a blind girl with a gallon of milk. That's how today is going.

He's My Little Silver Bullet

Current Song: "In Your Eyes" -- Peter Gabriel

I may accidentally have not officially gotten out of bed until 7:30 PM. And I was asleep for most of that time. I'm doping myself up on muscle relaxants, Advil PM, and Ativan in an attempt to get a handle on this whole thing. Also, I still have horrible cramps and kind of wish I was dead, but not until I find out if I got that job or not.

Also, eventually I will learn my lesson about saying no when you ask me to sleep over. Why do I keep doing that?

My cat is the cutest boy ever and he's sitting on his favorite book again (The Onion Presents: Embedded In America) and staring at me with giant golden eyes. My other boy cat is sleeping at the foot of my bed and the girl cat is desperately avoiding me because I keep shoving pills in her mouth and ointment in her ears. I'd avoid me, too. But she does seem to be feeling better, which is the best we could have hoped for.

Meredith, come home immediately. Well, not until I gather the energy to clean the cat boxes and do the rest of the dishes...you don't need to be exposed to this. Also girl cat needs you for hugs and for a safe place to run after I stick my fingers in her mouth.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

If You Still Want Me, Please Forgive Me

Current Song: "Crown Of Love" -- Arcade Fire

I bailed out of sleeping over at Leslie's because my ovaries rebelled on me and threw me a little curveball. I woke up this morning with life-ending cramps and nausea and now all I can think about is how much I don't want to get out of bed for the whole day but how I have no food in the house and no job so I can't keep relying on delivery. Also I would kill everyone in this room for some of that chocolate chip cookie dough. I woke up thinking about it. Jesus God in Heaven I feel like vomiting everywhere and it's tragically not alcohol-related.

Also, Raging House Party was awesome. I got seriously drunk, as did everyone else, made some friends, had some conversations, you know whatever.

Dear my insides: stop trying to kill me.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I Didn't Order Any Pizza (Cue Saxophone Solo)

Current Song: "Thanksgiving Grey" -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

I accidentally slept until 2:30 PM. Luckily my only plans today are to get ready for Leslie and Nikki's party, swing by the liquor store, and then kick back and end up sleeping on their floor. So, that'll be fun. This is specifically not a hook-up type party, more of a let's-get-pissed-and-take-pictures type party, which in a lot of cases is more fun. And I don't have to worry about the fact that I currently can't afford to have my eyebrows waxed so they're everywhere. Turns out all these kids have already seen it, and worse.

It's pretty liberating knowing that the people you know have seen you at your worst (passed out in a stall in a men's bathroom, unable to stand under my own power, crying over being rejected by, in retrospect, one of the most useless people on earth, and in total blackout mode. And yes, all of these things were occurring at once. Ah, college.)

Oops, my doorbell just rang and I'm definitely only wearing a towel. So, sorry UPS or whoever you are, you'll have to come back some other time.

Pretty Sure This Is Why I'm Not Dating Anyone

Current Song: "Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken" -- Camera Obscura

This house is trashed and I really need to do something about it, but I lack the capacity to care right now. As it's nearly one in the morning, and also I'm a lazy, lazy bastard. Mostly the living room needs to be neatened up by putting the cat carrier away and straightening out the large deposits of mail all over the room. Remember when I had that apartment in Vancouver and my kitchen table was covered in two years' worth of mail because I never throw anything away? And how instead of approaching the problem rationally I bought power tools and built a decorative screen to block it from sight? I miss that screen; it came out quite well. But the point is, my mail problem approaches my laundry problem in sheer scope of ridiculousness and signs of mental illness.

Speaking of which, my laundry problem is quite out of hand. As is the issue of not having a TV in the living room, or a table anywhere, so I eat everything in my bedroom and now my desk and the floor around my bed are hosts to many, many boxes, wrappers, shreds of packaging, etc. This is also why I don't host parties at home and I never invite anyone over.

Also, there are two partially-filled bottles of liquor and an empty wine bottle in my sightline as I write this. If I'm ever murdered and the detectives sort through my things to get an idea of what was going on in my life, they're going to have some sad stories.

[Special addendum to how sad my life is: right now, I can see 13 opened mail envelopes in places around the room. And 18 packages/partial packages of food or beverages and/or dishes. And nine TV-on-DVD collections that are not on the shelf where they belong. And 16 books or magazines or the floor. And while I was counting books I discovered another box of food - happened to be granola bars. In sum: I am a miserable excuse for a human being.]

Friday, September 19, 2008

It Breaks If You Don't Force It

Current Song: "Munich" -- Editors

If I was an aging gay man I would be all over Stephen Fry. Take a trip over to YouTube and watch any of the large collection of QI clips they've got posted. Uh, but only if you can penetrate the various British accents and your sense of humor is not based on flatulence...otherwise, you might be wasting your time. Also, if you haven't, see V For Vendetta. It's just good times.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed by a sudden rush of longing for my regular grocery store in London. I have no idea why, I was mixing guacamole at the time. I think I might just be bored.

In terms of attacking boredom, I'm watching the aforementioned YouTube and drinking pumpkin liqueur straight out of the bottle. I probably mentioned this, but I got it on an impulse buy at Big Top because it was right by the register and $1.99 for a liter. It's DELICIOUS and I wish I'd bought more than one (Nikki offered to pay me to bring some to the Raging House Party at her place tomorrow.) It's like heavily spiced pumpkin pie - sweet and dark and with a great aftertaste and an even better smell. There was a recipe suggestion that you mix it with vanilla vodka and cream and something and have like a pumpkin pie a la mode cocktail...If I had those things, I'd be all over that idea. (Also it's 21% alcohol by volume, so I think it's 42 proof, if my basic understanding of proofs is correct. I don't know, if someone knows, I could use the education.)

I'm supposed to hear on that job at the "beginning" of next week. If I don't get it I'm going to fall apart. I've invested far too much time and energy into wanting it at this point. Plus it's a research job, and god knows that is my first love.

...Speaking of which, that paper I got co-author credit on should be published soon, if it wasn't already? I hope somebody's on top of that and lets me know what the deal is.

Oh, here:

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Booze Has Knighted Me The King Of The Lovers

Current Song: "And She Would Darken The Memory" -- The Twilight Sad

I literally spent the entire day thinking it was Friday. I even made alternate arrangements for my opera on Saturday thinking that this was my last chance. I even, now that I think about it, committed quite a bit of time and brain power to wondering what I was doing on Thursday and why the hell couldn't I remember it? This is what happens when you don't have a job.

I'm looking forward to taking something to make me sleep tonight, as I feel that I haven't slept in days. Insomnia is the worst. Also, not having insurance and Ambien being soul-destroyingly expensive.

I'm reading the Wikiquote page for Mystery Science Theater 3000 since I don't have access to television and I can't keep feeding my TV-on-DVD habit until I get another job.

Speaking of which, I did not get that job with the IT school, which is for the best, since I didn't really want it. However, I very desperately want the kids' cancer job. Somebody just give me that job already. It will be a pretty bad blow if I don't get it.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Do You Have A Letter For Me?

Current Song: "From My Own True Love (Lost At Sea)" -- The Decemberists

I'm so tired all I can think about is sleeping but in reality it's just not working out. I have to be awake in two hours or so anyway to go collect my cat from the clinic. Also, walking the six blocks home gently carrying a cat carrier is not my idea of a fun afternoon, but whatever, here we are.

Somebody else come here and take care of some things so I can get some sleep. My eyes won't stop watering but when I lay down to rest I magically stay awake. I hate my stupid brain chemistry.

It's Too Early And I Didn't Sleep

Current Song: Some Christmas song, I don't know.

I hate getting up early, but the kitty hospital closes at 8 so I have to fetch my cat and bring her to the clinic so she can keep getting care. Luckily the clinic is walking distance from my house so I can just come home from there.

I have to ask, how are "oriented" and "orientated" synonyms? Orientated sounds stupid. But by God, there it is, right in the dictionary. This stupid country.

Oh, I think I forgot to mention but the nicest vet tech in the world gave me a ride home last night because I was just standing in the vet hospital parking lot at 11:30 at night. In Frogtown. Which actually is the worst neighborhood in Saint Paul. She was just getting off work so she gave me a lift. I don't usually accept rides from strangers, but I was kind of in a bind and didn't want to wait for a cab. In Frogtown. At 11:30 at night.

Speaking of which, I ordered a cab to pick me up at the cat hospital at 7:45 AM but in my experience cabs are the least reliable things ever so God knows when/if it's actually coming. Although I also had the nicest cab driver ever last night who knew where the cat hospital was (I didn't) and talked me out of going the longer way. He also offered to pick me up whenever I needed to go home but I caught a ride with el vet tech instead. But seriously, everyone I met last night was cool.


My little black kitty has been sleeping a lot for the past few days and just now I tried to stand her up and she repeatedly fell over, so we're going on an adventure to the pet hospital. In a taxicab because my life sucks.

Oh, For The Love Of God, No.

My littlest black kitty got to go on an adventure with me to the pet hospital. Turns out she's got some sort of severe ear problem and she hasn't been eating or drinking so they're keeping her with an IV and I have to go pick her up at 7:30 in the damn morning via bus. And now Jimmy doesn't trust me because I left with a cat and came back with no cat.

Who's My Favorite Orange Boy?

Current Song: "The Kneeling Drunkard's Plea" -- Johnny Cash

I...I'm in love. Somehow even more so than everyone was since the mid-80's:


Who would have thought Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would be the moral compasses of the future?

On an unrelated note, I am drinking pumpkin liqueur and eating a pizza with pesto sauce, German brat sausage, pineapple, and artichoke hearts on it. And about a pound of mozzarella. It's pretty damn greasy, but since all I ate today were peanut butter crackers and the aforementioned booze, it's a bounteous repast.

I wish I wasn't out of milk and didn't need to pay a million dollars to fill another prescription (should have done it today but, you know, Wednesdays.)

Dear Meredith: please come home. I've been alone for more than two weeks and it's gotten old.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Looks Like The Average Salary Is $45000 Per Year?

Current Song: "Where There's A Will, There's A Whalebone" -- Islands

The problem with cooking for yourself is that, although it saves a significant amount of money, it leaves you with so much mess to clean up. I made chicken and broccoli with rice for dinner and now the kitchen is destroyed. And after I went to so much trouble to clean it up. All that food was delicious, though.

I don't think I can handle waiting until next week to find out if I got that job. I want it so much!

God I want that cookie dough that I've eaten six pounds of already. I refuse to buy it but that doesn't stop me from dreaming about it.

Monday, September 15, 2008

I Love The Portraiture Of John Singer Sargent

Current Song: "Spitting Venom" -- Modest Mouse

I'm overwhelmed by tiredness suddenly and it's probably a factor of taking Ativan this morning and then drinking a lot of Jagermeister while laying down. Also I was shopping for art and/or religious studies books on Amazon that I can't afford until I have a job. Which sucks because when I have a job, I don't have as much time to read. I'm watching episodes of the Simpsons I've seen a hundred times and trying to convince my cat that it's in his best interests to let me hug him like a teddy bear. Tears are rolling uncontrollably out of my eyes because I can't stop yawning. I need to change out of my interview clothes and all I want to do is sleep until I hear a yes or no on this job.

There Ain't No Easy Way Out

Current Song: "I Won't Back Down" -- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

That interview went pretty well, I'd say. Especially when they asked me to explain why I wanted that specific job and then when I was finished explaining the main girl said "that's exactly why I have my job" and the doctor was like "that was a really amazing answer." So let's hope that was memorable enough that they just give me the damn job already. I want it so much.

Also, as a bonus, it is a casual dress code and that's all I've ever asked of the world. Well, that and health insurance.

I did all the dishes last night and then emptied all the trash and cleaned the kitty litter boxes this afternoon, so I'd say I'm doing okay here, overall. I have not made any headway on my laundry problem, but that's sort of a personality deficiency more than anything.

Dear God, please give me the kids' cancer job. Amen.

Secretly I've Been A Pessimist The Whole Time

Current Song: "The Killer Inside" -- Better Than Ezra

I'm snuggling with a fat orange kitty while wrapped up in my pink blanket, which if you've been near my bed you'll realize is unquestionably the most comfortable set of circumstances ever.

I'm working on convincing myself that I don't, in fact, want this job at all, so I can't be disappointed. It's not really working.

I'm so pissed off at Sallie Mae right now, you have no idea. Dear future college attendees: don't get loans through Sallie Mae. They're disorganized assholes who will harass you into the ground about money that you quantifiably don't owe them.

Is spell-checker right and "quantifiably" is not a real word? Anyone?

My monitor cord is going all tweaky and turning everything on my screen hot pink again. This is a very annoying state of affairs.

I suppose I should try going to sleep, since I have to get up and beg for a great job tomorrow. I mean a terrible, awful job that nobody wants. Certainly not me.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I Hope I'm Not Underestimating Everyone

Current Song: "Street Spirit (Fade Out)" -- Radiohead

This is one of my favorite songs of all time.

I'm afraid that I want the job that I'm interviewing for tomorrow (the cancer job) too much and that this will lead to my downfall. My first love was always research, and this job embodies everything I love about research without requiring the icky parts, like participant interactions (particularly like calling people to see if they're dead.) Plus from what I can tell it pays well enough to handily live on, and it comes with great benefits and things like sick time and vacations. And the potential to travel to conferences and whatnot, which the sad business-girl part of me yearns for. And it drastically cuts down on the amount of time I have to meet with people who are crying. I have had some shit jobs in my time.

The interview is tomorrow at noon and I'm preparing for it by sitting here in terror reading over my resume and cover letter and cringing at how grossly unqualified I am to do any job that doesn't involve burgers. God help me, and please let everyone else who's interviewing for this position show up drunk and/or illiterate.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Definitely Never Should Have Left The House

Current Song: "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" -- The Smiths

Okay, the following list of improbable things is why I did not make it to my Opera Club party tonight:

1) I was nearly eaten by a rottweiler on my way to the bus stop. It was on the sidewalk with its owner and I tried to walk behind it which apparently is a particular pet peeve of this particular dog, who lunged at me with his mouth open and some loud sounds. Pretty sure I yelled "Jesus!" at which point his owner just shook his head and said "You're fine." I love dogs and still did not care for this incident.

2) I had to call 911. Again. For like the 10th time in my life. Some guy was passed out in the middle of the sidewalk on Snelling and University, at the bus stop. I was on a bus that stopped there. Not only were there people on my bus specifically crowding up to the windows to point and laugh at him, there were people AT THE BUS STOP not one foot from his body that were laughing at him. So I called an ambulance, because whatever that guy's deal is, laying on the sidewalk in the rain is a bad choice. Also, I called 911 loudly from the bus and everyone that was on the bus that was laughing about him slunk back to their seats and stared out the windows and the bus was SILENT for the entire rest of the time that I was on it. And may I say, I'm glad all of you felt like assholes, because you were. If you or someone you loved were passed out on a sidewalk, wouldn't you want someone to look into it instead of pointing at you and laughing? WTF is wrong with this country?

3) I was supposed to pick up my bus at E Lake Street and Snelling (the mysterious other Snelling...I don't get it, but whatever.) I triple-checked Trip Planner to make sure that I was at the right stop. An hour went by and I was still standing there. I called MetroTransit, which said the next bus for that route was in 9 minutes. Sure enough, 9 minutes later, the bus came. On the other side of the street. Going the other direction.

4) At this point I was nearly an hour late and Leslie had been standing outside the venue for more than an hour (she couldn't get in as I had the tickets). I walked down to the Arby's to call a cab. The guy I talked to first said "Oh, I know where you are, I used to work at that Arby's..." then followed it up with, "Oh, your name's Keli? That's my babymomma name." I was like "Yeah, that's FINE" and then he said my cab would be at least 15 minutes.

5) Oh, also, when I told the guy the address I was going to he absolutely insisted that it didn't exist. I needed 1st STREET, he could only find 1st AVENUE. He was like "Just explain it to your driver when he gets there" but I didn't really know where it was so that would have been pretty hard.

6) At this point I called Leslie and was like "This has gone horribly wrong and I won't even get there for another half hour at an absolute minimum. This crossed the line from odd coincidence to evil omen." So we packed it in and I came home. Thus missing yet another Opera Club get-together. And Leslie and Nikki's housewarming party is scheduled for opening night of Il Travatore, to which I have primo tickets, so I don't even know how to address that problem. Today was such a miscarriage of good intentions.

And A Beauty That Annihilates All Life

Current Song: "A Hand To Take Hold Of The Scene" -- Okkervil River

I have a cold, my back hurts, and all I ate today were donuts and they did not agree with me. That being said, I'm going to my wine tasting/opera soloists performance tonight because frankly, the tickets cost me $60 and Leslie is willing to accompany me so I don't have to try to make conversation with strangers alone. Leslie's good at meeting new people, so this is a good idea. Still, I kind of feel like hell. And I don't get why my back hurts at all. Probably my terrible posture. No wonder I can't get a date.

That sort of went off the rails, there.

I wish it wasn't raining, since I have to take two buses and I don't have an umbrella. Boo. Maybe I can find something with a hood that won't also cause me to roast alive, because it's actually kind of warm today. Or maybe it's just me.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Drunk and Alone

Current Song: "Theme Song To It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" -- Traditional

Turns out failure tastes just like Jagermeister. I'm sad about being alone, someone should come over.

Failure Pile & Sadness Bowl

Current Song: "Tradition" -- John Williams (Fiddler On The Roof Soundtrack)

I'm listening to Patton Oswalt's last album for the first time in a long time and I'd forgotten how great it is.

I'm hungry and all my food requires cooking. And it's 1 AM so I'm not terribly motivated.

I applied for a job as a Lab Tech at a drug use analysis center but I had to rescind my application when I discovered that they somehow require a driver's license. That shit is discriminatory.

Also I just really want to work in CSI-type shit.

"Character actors -- who gives a fuck if we're fat?" -- Brian Dennehey

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Piss(ed) Off

Current Song: "Come On Eileen" -- Dexy's Midnight Runners

I have a cold and everybody sucks. And I'm cold. I hate today.

You Love White Veins

Current Song: "A Stone" -- Okkervil River

It's raining and all I want to do is lie in bed and eat. I bought seasons 1 & 2 of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia yesterday and that's probably what I'm doing today. Except it's not as fun when you're the only one watching.

Now that I think about it, that's probably why I dreamed about you last night. Get out of my head.

Speaking of, I have a headache. I'm going to find some comfort food and pack it in for the day.

With The Pills In Your Hand

Current Song: "Heath Ledger" -- One Weekly Gun

It's 12:30 AM and I just realized that all I ate were a couple of molasses cookies and a bowl of chili for the whole day. While this is conducive to losing weight, it is not so much for making me happy. I'm starved.

I can't leave an open book anywhere or the cats will sit on it. It's weird. Harry is curled up on my crossword puzzles right now.

Chatting with people is hard and I don't want to do it anymore. But, I met some Irish guy who suggested I try vodka and apple juice, which sounds like the most delicious choice ever and now I have to go buy things.

Also, I didn't buy paper towels today and it was actually pretty important.

Aaaaand the boycats are making out again. It's like living in a damn Turkish bathhouse.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

So We're Going Downtown

Current Song: "We Were All Uptown Rulers" -- The Court & Spark

I just filled one prescription without insurance and it cost me $134. And it was generic. I am horrified by this.

Also, it occurs to me that it's 4:30 and I have yet to eat anything today. I've lost about 8 pounds since I quit my job. Probably from ending the non-stop candy and granola bar binging. That job had worse effects on me than I gave it credit for -- for instance, the 20 pounds or so I gained after graduation, pretty much all attributable to the job.

This Isn't Happening

Current Song: "Morning Bell" -- Radiohead

First, I somehow woke myself up laughing because I was dreaming about The Andy Griffith Show, of all things. I miss Don Knotts.

Second, I dreamt of a plane crash in Cincinnati, so if that happens soon, sorry about that.

I'm out of muffins and not terribly motivated to go out and do all the things that need doing today. I'd rather lay in bed and watch the Simpsons and snuggle with kitties and not put pants on. I'm the laziest person in the world.

Dear South Carolina: REALLY?

Current Song: "Yankee Doodle Dandy" -- Traditional

Apparently there's a Strom Thurmond High School in Johnston, South Carolina, and it's actually "the Home of the Fighting Rebels." That is entirely racist and how am I the only one that's noticing this?

Also, I need to go to bed and stop looking up weird shit online.

I Need To Spend Less Time Alone

Current Song: "It Can't Come Quickly Enough" -- Scissor Sisters

I just discovered I can complete about 80% of a Bible crossword without looking anything up. I'd wonder what that was about, but turns out it's been me the whole time.

I'm watching old Simpsons DVDs for about the millionth time because we don't get TV reception and I can't commit to watching Boomtown right now. Maybe tomorrow, when I get back from running errands all day. I think I'm going to skip Target and hit the Rainbow/CVS/Big Top/DMV block at University and Snelling. Although that is a pretty damn ambitious plan, and I may end up reading all day again because frankly I'm not good at anything else.

Everybody knows that I've always had a thing for you that's going nowhere, never was. I need to get out of this brooding state of mind before I do something we both regret. Well, mostly me.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Ah, Prisoner 24601

Current Song: "People Get Ready" -- The Frames

I panicked and applied to another job even though I'm interviewing for the job I want most on Monday. Unfortunately the job I want most is probably the one I'm least qualified for. You'd think I'd have learned a lesson about getting in over my head on employment by now, but here we are.

I meant to go shopping as I am entirely out of food, save for ice cream and several packets of inedible tuna (and boxes and boxes of frozen vegetables, actually) but instead I read almost the entirety of Jane Eyre. It's one of my favorite books but I did not intend to read all of it today. I got into a quandary where I need to go to Target to fill a prescription, but I need to go to Rainbow and Big Top to get food and booze, and going to all of those places seems like kind of an ordeal when you can't drive. I couldn't decide which one I'd rather go to, so I didn't go to any. I cleaned the cat boxes today and then I packed it in and went to bed with a book.

I could hardly sleep last night. I woke up just about every hour, sometimes for quite a while. I would have thought the horrible life-ending insomnia would have resolved itself when I graduated and then quit my job, but apparently my brain and I are not on the same terms there. And if I don't have to get up for any reason, I feel like I'm wasting my Ambien by taking it to get a good night's rest. It's more fun to take it and then stay up apparently applying for credit cards.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Don't Want To Work In A Building Downtown

Current Song: "Narina" -- Serart

I'm out of booze and still don't have cable. I landed an interview for the job I want the most and now I'm not terribly motivated to apply to anything else. It's that job with that research team doing clinical trials for cures for pediatric cancer. I'd kill for that job. I've probably mentioned this.

I'm hating being alone and not having any food or wine. And I'm too much of a wreck of a human being to put real pants on and go to the store.

I applied for unemployment but I'm not holding out great hopes.

Also, someone gave me another credit card? I think I applied for one when I was drunk/whacked out on Ativan and/or Ambien. Well, I guess it's comforting in its own way.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

I'm Destroying Myself Slowly

Current Song: "Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love And To Be Loved)" -- Bright Eyes

"Well, I woke in relief
My sheets and tubes were all tangled
Weak from whiskey and pills
In a Chicago hospital
And my father was there,
In a chair by the window
Staring so far away.
I tried talking, just whispered
'So sorry, so selfish--'
He stopped me and said
'Child, I love you regardless
There's nothing you can do
That would ever change this,
I'm not angry, it happens.
But you just can't do it again.'
So now try to keep up
I been exchanging my currency
While a million objects
Pass through my periphery
Now I'm rubbing my eyes
Cause they're starting to bother me
I've been staring too long at the screen.
Well, where was I when I first heard
The sweet sound of humility?
It came to my ears
In the goddamn loveliest melody
How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery
To love and to be loved --
Let's just hope that is enough."*

*I'm pretty sure this section of this song is killing me.

Wish You Were Her

Current Song: "Wish You Were Here" -- Incubus

My landlord and his family and some guy with two loudly barking dogs are all hanging out in the front and back yards and it's making me insane. I'm in the kitchen trying to make breakfast in workout pants and no bra and there's a whole group of people talking loudly not three feet away. I shut the window and I think they were offended, but it's like, this is my home, please go away. It really felt like an intrusion into my privacy. And then wherever I relocated in the house it seems that they were soon there. I just want to eat my delicious freshly made blueberry muffins in peace.

Also, I just had the strongest memory of being in the mall in my hometown, right by the mall branch of the public library. I have no idea why that flashed into my mind. Must have been a random smell or sound or something.

There's a splinter or something in my big toe and I can't fix it.

I probably should have slept with you.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Nobody Cares Bout Learning But The Teacher

Current Song: "My Body Is A Cage" -- Arcade Fire

I finally managed to mostly sober up after I drank that half a 750 before I left and then drank another 750 of pinot grigio on top of it. The bottle after that one was terrible so I just left it. I had several delicious burgers and a lot of Sun Chips, and that helped.

So the moral of the story, the theme music for today, the take-home message of this whole thing is that I shared a cab to Dinkytown with Jayme and two of his Wisconsin friends and one of them got into a contest with my cab driver over who could tell the most horribly racist joke. Then the driver missed my street and then he made a half-assed pass at me and I was like, yeah, I'm just gonna go. I'd say it was the worst cab ride ever, but it sadly wasn't.

Also Greg failed and threw up/passed out before 9:00 PM.

Somewhere along the line I got really obsessed with wanting to sleep in my own bed, even when there are much better offers. I don't know what that's about, but here we are.

God, what was happening tonight?

In My Golden Days, I Was Asleep

Current Song: "The Crane Wife Parts 1 & 2" -- The Decemberists

I'm going to be late to my BBQ because I have to finish drinking this bottle of wine and then I have to get to the store to buy something, cookies or something, I don't know. Maybe I won't buy anything and plead unemployment. I don't think that'll be a huge problem.

I'm drinking a bottle of 2006 chardonnay from Hess Monterey that was marked down from some unknown price to $12, and then put in the 50% off bin. It's not bad but not as good as the mini-bottles of some chardonnay I had yesterday.

I'm still pissed about missing Bloc Party at Lollapalooza.

I hope they give me the job I interviewed for but not until like the end of the month. Because being unemployed is pretty damn relaxing for someone who hasn't taken a break in years and years.

Today is going to end in tears and or death. From alcohol poisoning, or some sort of horrific accident that everyone can see coming but is powerless to stop.

The Frames are fucking amazing. And I miss my student job, which is directly related to that.

Friday, September 05, 2008

All For A Crime I Did Commit

Current Song: "Boy With A Coin" -- Iron & Wine

If you want to get some sleep, and I mean really sleep hard, I recommend taking a tab of Ativan and then drinking 4 glasses of wine about two hours later. I definitely passed out on our porch and only woke up when it got too cold to be there. Then I continued napping in my bed. Now I realize that I put a sweatshirt and pants on without bothering to take off my interview dress. So, sexy. This is why I don't have children. Also why I wish Meredith would come home.

Also, Sallie Mae sucks out loud and their collections department pisses me off a lot. Does anyone have like $3000 I can have to pay them off? I brought my account current after a lot of annoying arguing but I just don't want to deal with them at all. Also, I'm PRETTY SURE that collections guy was lying to me, but I didn't have the wherewithal to defend myself. Having just woken up from what I like to refer to as a Judy Garland Nap. Ah, unemployment.

I think I'll drink more wine and eat the rest of my pizza. I went to Big Top on the way home and shopped out their 50% off wine bins. There was an unfortunate lack of pinot grigio (my favorite) but I picked up some very passable chardonnays instead. Also, can't beat 5 bottles of wine for $20. Now that's what I call living.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

My Cat Is Intently Watching Me Shave My Legs And It's Creepy

Current Song: "Lousy Reputation" -- We Are Scientists

I'm so pissed, I just found out my ex-boss's wife was at the We Are Scientists show and was hanging out backstage with the band. If I'd known that beforehand I might have been able to wrangle a backstage invite where I could test my Keith-Murray-is-gay theory up close and personal. By making out with him.

Anyway, I have a job interview tomorrow so let's all keep our fingers crossed that that goes well. I want to work for the U, if for nothing else than the cheap gym membership and access to the sauna. Oh, and the bitchin health insurance. Which is what matters most, because I've been an adult the whole time.

I feel like I've lost track of time and I have important things coming up, but I don't know what they are. I know I have an End Of The Summer BBBQ on Saturday, a wine tasting with Opera Club next Saturday, and a ticket to the Vatican Splendors exhibit on some Sunday at the end of the month. I should look into when that actually is. Also, what about an exhibit of arcane religious paraphernalia and holy relics WOULDN'T I pay to see? It's like it's packed up and shipped here just for me.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I Have A Feeling That It's Gonna Be A Wonderful Day

Current Song: "Little Sister" -- Jewel

Turns out Greg and Nikki and I have been carrying our trivia team the whole time because we were the only ones that showed up tonight and we took 3rd. We SWEPT the category on Vice Presidents, somehow. Even I was surprised by that. The second category was on years that famous people were born and we did not do as well on that one. It was a bullshit category. So there. Also DJ Steve and I are the same age.

I had Burrito Loco for dinner but all I ate before that was some peanut butter crackers, and then I drank four vodka tonics, so now I guess what I'm saying is that I have the munchies. And I think mostly what I have to eat is steam-in-the-box vegetables. Which does not sound appealing for drunk munchies. Goddammit.

I misses Meredith. And my cats are gay.

Time for more American Dad and raiding the kitchen. Wooooooooooooot.

Walking Toward Tomorrow With A Rifle In My Hand

Current Song: "Counting Down The Hours" -- Ted Leo & The Pharmacists

Day two of official unemployment and I just arranged an interview for Friday. For a development job at the U. Which development is what I'm trying to get into anyway. I hope this is the shortest unexpected unemployment ever.

I'm apparently going to the bar tonight to drink with wild abandon because I don't have clients at 8:30 in the morning tomorrow. And it's trivia night. And that's what we're best at.

I told you I wasn't going to worry about this, and I didn't. Still, everyone just be cool and stay calm.

You Already Know How This Will End

Current Song: "How It Ends" -- DeVotchKa

Day two of official unemployment and I'm kind of bored. But maybe not bored enough to put pants on. My stomach hurts, probably from all that cookie dough yesterday, and I think I'm going to spend another day reading and watching DVDs. And obsessively checking job sites for updates. You know, the usual.

I hope you are doing well with whatever you're doing. I definitely didn't wake up until noon today so I'd say I'm doing pretty well.

I think I'll make muffins soon.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

I'm Still In Love With Dave Foley

Current Song: "This Modern Love" -- Bloc Party

I ate almost a pound of chocolate chip cookie dough and now I don't feel well. So, unemployment is going well. I've spent all day watching Kids in the Hall and looking for jobs on the internet (not as easy as it sounds). I really want some wine so I can sit around drinking wine. That'd be great.

I bit my cheek earlier and it hurts a whole lot.

I'm tired of explaining what happened to my job.

The nice thing about staying home all day is that I end up not spending any money.


All The Loneliness In My Arms

Current Song: "Leave Melody Counting Fear" -- Serart

Leslie and Jayme and Chad and I went to the State Fair yesterday even though it was 90 degrees outside. Jayme's dad bought us a couple of beers and then we wandered around eating everything in sight until we all felt kind of sick and went home. It was great.

Then I had a dream that Susan was inexplicably living with Meredith and I and it was Not Going Well. It was annoying, but not necessarily a nightmare.

I am not at work today, or ever, and it's weird. But not bad.

It's grossly humid/clammy today and it better start raining soon and break some of this up or I'm gonna be pissed.