She Said She's Thinking Of Jumping

Current Song: "Savannah Smiles" -- Okkervil River

I can't stop crying about this song, and that sums up how my day is going.

I got into a bad car situation last night where I had to sit on somebody's lap -- I haven't sat on anyone's lap in years, because I am visibly as fat as the Queen of Sea Cows and don't need to prove it physically as well. There was nothing to be done on this one but I was stressed out about it so I was trying to casually support all my weight on one ankle and one arm and the point of this story is that I'm sore today because of the unnatural position that put me in. In retrospect I shouldn't have even been in the car.

I got pretty drunk at Big 10's Ladies Night/Bar Trivia last night and now I have a headache and all I want to do is lie down, which is impossible given the space allotted to me in my office. I could crawl under my desk, I guess, but that seems like it would only raise more problems. I think I'm just going to go home anyway. I only worked four days out of this pay period (counting today) so who cares if I drop a couple more hours? Nobody's here but me anyway, the phone hasn't rung all day and I got a record total of zero emails today.

I need to take some action to fix the things I am unhappy with. I was so sublimely happy every day on my vacation because I successfully ran away from my problems, but the problem with running away is that it's not a permanent solution. I had to come back, you see. And here they were waiting, lined up with their shining faces greeting me every day, smiling with pointed teeth.

What Useless Tools Ourselves

Current Song: "We Used To Vacation" -- Cold War Kids

I am finally home and I think I have stopped rolling off the rails on my own personal crazy train. I had a spectacular time in both of America's Washingtons. My parent's island home on rural Camano Island in the Puget Sound -- words fail to describe it. I hadn't realized how much I missed the mountains in my landscape. As we were driving to the airport at 5:30 yesterday morning, the sun was rising pink and yellow over the jagged Cascade Mountains, and fog clung to the fields on either side of the road. It was breathtaking.

Robby and Rodrigo moved in and we're trying to make ourselves a little family and it makes me happy. I realized recently and with desperation that I can't have another domestic situation fall apart on me. I just can't.

For the first time in a long time, I am excited for a semester to start. Although the department seems a little less interesting since they found Dr. Caron's body earlier this week.

9 times out of 10

you know you are tired when the cashier says "it's $10.34" and you give her two $10s and a quarter

It's My Birthday and La La If La La La

Current Song: "Education" -- Modest Mouse

Perhaps that last one bears a little explaining.

I left for Washington DC very early Thursday morning. It was the most fun thing ever. I saw all the patriotism. Also I whipped donuts on a Segway in front of the White House at about 9 PM on Thursday. Take that, white America!

Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

The point is, walking around DC for four days with shoes that offer very little in the way of support (and the fact that my hotel was 1.2 miles from the nearest Metro station, so I had to walk it at least twice a day) gave me wicked bad shin splints and swollen ankles and etc. Also I shredded the toes of those shoes when I fell off the Segway on Capitol Hill but that has no real bearing here.

So my plane from Dulles to Charlotte, NC was delayed just long enough that when I got to Charlotte I had to run on my splintered little legs halfway across the airport to make my connecting flight, which was all the more insulting when we sat in that plane on the runway in Charlotte for more than an hour. Consequently, although my flight was supposed to get in to Minneapolis at 11:30 last night, it actually got in well after 12:30 and I didn't get out of the airport until after 1 AM. I took the Light Rail to the Metrodome with my fingers crossed but when I got there I had missed the last bus out by about 10 minutes. Faced with no other option, I walked home.

Also, being me, and blessed with an abundance of grit and determination but not so much the common sense, I walked several blocks out of my way accidentally.

Then I had to come to work today. Keli needs sleep.

peanut butter and jelly time

it's my birthday, i've got shin splints, swollen ankles, and cumbersome luggage, and i still walked the 2.3 miles from the metrodome to my apartment by myself at 2 in the morning without crying

eat it bitchezzz

Gone, All Gone

Current Song: "Old Flame" -- Arcade Fire

It's so early I think it's still late.

This train is ready to depart, please mind the closing doors.

You're So Fucking Special

Current Song: "Parting of the Sensory" -- Modest Mouse

Countdown to birthday present to myself: Approximately 10.5 hours. Bye bye, August!

I got home from work today and the living room had been trashed -- cups and bits of paper and magazines and shoes everywhere. It was very disheartening. I cleaned it up because it was that or go crazy. I make my share of messes too, so I have no right to complain.

Word of advice for the rest of the future: don't go see shows at the Myth. It's way the hell out in the middle of Maplewood, the staff seems angry, and it's just a big room jam-packed with kids. Also they still allow smoking inside so you won't get out of there without smelling like you rolled in a burning tobacco field. Also parking is inadequate.

I am too lazy to do anything with my laundry other than leave it in a pile in the middle of the floor. Speaking of which, it has been my plan since I got home from work to change into my pajamas and give up on the day, and someone here I still sit, fully dressed.

Pas Plus, Pas Maintenant, Jamais

Current Song: "With Or Without You" -- U2

I'm totally fucked, aren't I? Je suis plus fucked, n'est-ce pas?

Oh my God, what now? Mon dieu, ce qui maintenant?

This track is messed up and we have that in common.

I'll Believe In Anything And You'll Believe In Anything

Current Song: "What A Good Boy" -- Barenaked Ladies

My students are jerks. Also, I am incompetent and a high school student with a one-hitter in his pocket could do a better job than I am doing at my job.

Today, no.

This Plane Is Obviously Crashing

Current Song: "Shit Luck" -- Modest Mouse

This song rules. Isaac Brock is obviously insane.

I'm apparently going to Reel Big Fish tonight. Reel Big Fish was the first concert I ever went to, and I pretty much haven't heard any of it since, so this should be interesting.

I forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair this morning before I got out of the shower. I tried to rinse it in the sink once I realized the problem, but I didn't do a very thorough job. I think that today has already gone wrong.

But Remember When I Moved In You

Current Song: "Hallelujah" -- Jeff Buckley

That was a right proper storm we had earlier, no?

Susan bought me macaroons and they were the highlight of my day. Other candidates for highlight of my day included when I did the dishes to get rid of the weird smell in the kitchen, when I sent angry emails to a handful of my students, or when I caught a bike handle to the shoulder blade when I tried to sit on my couch. Thanks, August 13th! You're gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-eat!

No One Is Really Beautiful

Current Song: "Rick James" -- Jude

This album is heavy on funk and falsetto and is the first relatively obscure bit of music I ever fell in love with.

I drank a lot of beer and I have to go to work tomorrow.

In other news, whoa.

He Gets All That Anger From Me

Current Song: "We Used To Vacation" -- Cold War Kids

I'm ready for a change.

I think you have a drinking problem. I know I do, so we're a dangerous pair.

Ah, It's Too Hot Today

Current Song: "Shake Your Babymaker" -- Dance Band

Oh my God, Dance Band, oh my God. Nothing moves Minnesota like that.

And An Island Never Cries

Current Song: "Collapse" -- Sparta

I went on a magical mystery quest into the nether reaches of my computer and pulled up all of the music files I could find, and I discovered that I have a lot of really good stuff, like Sparta. Also, because this computer belonged to my parents before it got in a car accident and came to live with me, I also ended up with a lot of classic rock and folk (Simon and Garfunkel, Jim Croce, Moody Blues, etc. -- great stuff) and country (Martina McBride, Willie Nelson, etc. -- not great stuff.) I ditched the Martina McBride and two Peter, Paul & Mary songs ("Puff the Magic Dragon" and "If I Had A Hammer") because I couldn't imagine a scenario in which I would want to listen to them, but I kept everything else. It's not totally unlikely that I will find myself wanting to listen to Merle Haggard sometime, right?

It recently occurred to me that I am going to be spending a full week with my parents soon. A week. With my parents. Who I have not seen in nearly two years. With whom I have had a somewhat colorful relationship. Have I mentioned that they live in a rural area on an island in the Puget Sound that lacks public transportation? And I don't have a driver's license? What am I doing?

Also, if I am anyone, I am Eponine.

Hoist Up The John B Sail

Current Song: "Our Life Is Not A Movie Or Maybe" -- Okkervil River

I'm obsessed with this song. Also the last song on this album, about John Berryman jumping off the Washington Avenue Bridge. The slow demo version is soul-ripping.

I saw Les Miserables at the Chanhassen Dinner Theater tonight. Despite rumors to the contrary, the food was pretty good. The show was good for what I hear is a drastically scaled back production of Les Miz, which I had never seen before. I'd say go, if you get the opportunity and the hundreds of dollars.

My friend Jill is leaving for a year in Oakland volunteering in an adolescent drug rehab program, and I will miss her. Her going away party was conveniently located right across the street from my house. It was drunken and fun. I also got to meet Susan's possible boyfriend, who is both cute and charming.

I guess the point is, it was a good night.

And Everything I Can Remember

Current Song: "It's Been A While" -- Staind

Back on the stories of the songs in my head. I woke up to this one this morning for no apparent reason. My clearest memory involving this song is myself in the cab of a pickup truck, driving around with Bemidji's most successful drug dealer, singing along to this song on the radio. See, I was living with this cokehead in her mother's basement in Bemidji, and the drug dealer was her brother. One of the bedrooms in his house was dedicated to storing the unfathomable amounts of marijuana he possessed, but that's not the point of this story. I don't remember why I was driving around solo with him, but I think he was driving me to meet his sister and her friend at her friend's trailer park. Her friend was a single mother of a 7 year old daughter who once came at me with a butcher knife because I took a box of matches away from her. It was a tense moment.

I'm going to the Chanhassen Dinner Theater tonight to see Les Miserables, which I have low expectations for so it should be alright. Then it's off to Jill's going away party, which is heartbreaking even though we never see each other. It's going to be a busy day.

Set My Spirit Free

Current Song: "My Body Is A Cage" -- Arcade Fire

I have the stereo cranked up and I am screaming along to this album. This and Cold War Kids, which is what came on next. It's what I do when I'm stressed out and home alone -- I scream along with loud music and dance around like a crazy person. I bet the neighbors are real tired of me. They'll really love it when I finally get the soundtrack to Fiddler on the Roof.

There's so much that we're not saying. My God but I am tired of this.

That Car Horn Has Been Honking Intermittently Outside For Over 10 Minutes

Current Song: "The Flaming Moe's Theme Song" -- The Simpsons

I've probably mentioned this before, but there is not a moment in my day at which I do not have a song stuck in my head. At best, it's just playing softly in the background of all my thoughts and I'm able, in large part, to ignore it. At worst it's drowning out the outside noises and keeping me up at night (cf. the "Tainted Love" incident, which I've probably mentioned if you've known me for a while.) Sometimes I tune in to what's playing in the back of my mind and I'm surprised by the weirdness of the things I've got stashed in there. As an example, once I had a horrible nightmare that I was trapped in a haunted bathroom and I could see a person in the mirror getting closer and closer to me and I couldn't get away. When I woke up abruptly, I realized I had "Man In The Mirror" by Michael Jackson in my head, which made me laugh. Anyway, I bring this up because this morning I randomly checked in with the music in my mind and realized that my brain was singing "Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away" over and over. Which, admittedly, is strange.

Today should be my day off but I've been having some scheduling problems regarding extracurricular work and regular work and meshing the two successfully, so today I have to go in and run some data analysis instead of sitting around staring at the Food Network. I quit all the work I wasn't getting paid for, and I need the money, so it's not that bad. But still, I need days off. Then again, I'm going on vacation soon enough. Which is never soon enough.

My monitor is doing that thing again. The thing where part of it has slid off-screen. Dan fixed it the other day but it started right up again doing that thing. I think it can't be good news. I wish I knew more about computers, but on the other hand, I'm really pretty unwilling to learn.

My Neck Is Killing Me

Current Song: "Smile" -- Lily Allen

Lila is in Alaska until the 17th, [EDIT: My God, I am whiny lately.]

Turn A New Leaf Over

Current Song: "Black Holes and Revelations" -- Muse

I had to quit my other internship this morning after my third failed attempt to observe that day care program. I refuse to disrupt my work schedule to travel halfway across town on one or more buses for absolutely nothing in return. Or at least, I refuse to as of now. I felt kind of bad because I had two more on the schedule this month, but then again, both of them were in the far reaches of Saint Paul and it's likely I would have traveled for an hour or more to both only to find out that it was a no-go.

The right side of my neck, right at the base of my skull, has hurt excruciatingly for three days. I don't remember headbanging or anything, but then again, with me you just never know.

Keli needs a hug and a nap.

Tu Es Une Petite Pomme de Terre, N'est-ce Pas?

Current Song: "Black Mirror" -- Arcade Fire

One of my students made brownies for me, which were upsettingly delicious. Unfortunately, long-time readers will recall that even moderate amounts of moist delicious brownies contain high amounts of cocoa, which contains high amounts of caffeine, which contains high amounts of I'M GOING TO DIE. It's truly depressing that I can't even have a goddamn brownie without my whole system shutting down. It makes me want to chase a box of No-Doz with a bucket of ice-cold Pepsi and just wait for my lips to start turning blue.

I have been suffering from insomnia lately which makes me think I am better off dead. Insomnia is the fast-track to raving, psychotic insanity for me. I am already losing track of which things are real and which I have dreamt. I can't get confirmation either way, you know, because I've been spending too much time alone so no one can tell me if they remember it, too.

My God, my God, why have you forgotten me?

The Future Is Now

Hey you know what, everyone? Fuck you.

Why Do You Not Speak When I Hold Your Life In My Hands?

Current Song: "Trial Before Pilate" -- Jesus Christ Superstar

I went to Late Night Happy Hour at Solera with Susan and her friend Jackie tonight and I have to say, every second that you are not at Late Night Happy Hour, you are wasting your life. Sinfully delicious tapas for $2 - $5, and white sangria for $2, and you're going to tell me you don't want to go? Also, if you sit on the patio there are fantastic people-watching opportunities, especially given that The Saloon's patio is across the street. Plus it's not too noisy and the service is good.

I'm afraid that my patience has run out and I'm no longer willing to wait for you. You had plenty of opportunity to change things and you didn't, and I feel like maybe you never will. And I feel like maybe it's getting harder for me to care. I'm still nuts about you but it's getting easier to walk away.

Mea Culpa

Current Song: "Court Of Miracles" -- Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame

Busy day wherein Susan and I walked all the way to ZLB Plasma Services to sell our blood plasma only to discover that they require a ridiculous amount of identification and we were unprepared, so we had to walk all the way back. Then I took a trip to the grocery store during which I got a very clear view of the downed bridge, which looks exactly like the world twisted apart. Part of University Avenue is closed due to disaster, which led directly to a crazy bus adventure that ended when I finally got home from the grocery store after 45 minutes. I could have walked home in about 20, but I was clinging to optimism.

I finally got my new DVD player and it has made a world of difference in my ability to enjoy musicals.

Suddenly I'm tired of writing. Suddenly I'm tired of most things: this apartment, my job, this state. You, us, our relationship, everything you say and do, everything I say and do in relation to you. You know.

And Then The World Exploded

Current Song: "Let Down" -- Radiohead

You can clearly see the bridge disaster from my apartment building. Also, Susan and I were walking over the footbridge by Sanford today and realized that we could plainly see the north end of the downed bridge from there. It fell on a railroad car.

As far as I can tell, everyone I know is safe and accounted for. I hope the same is true for you and yours.