If Your Heart Won't Feel

Current Song: "Empty State" -- Armin Van Buuren feat. Mic Burns

I am going to have to clean my room all day Saturday and that's no fun. The fun part comes later, though. Hopefully.

As mad as I was at you last night, things happened that you weren't a part of that made me realize I am capable of having a fun life without you in it. My kids have been really, really coming through for me in these past few months. It was just what I needed. After one drunk dial and some text messaging, I am set for the weekend and you aren't part of any of it. Any of it at all. So go have your little fun with whoever that's not me, because I will be doing the things that make you cry yourself to sleep.

I wish you were capable of being the person I wanted you to be. Honestly, you should wish that too. He's so much better than you.

This Is Hardly A Method You Know

Current Song: "Exit Music (For A Film)" -- Vampire Weekend

I don't think I can keep putting up with your shit. And when you get better it's even worse, because I start hoping again. I can't keep doing this, you can't keep doing this to me.

I'm sad all the time whenever I think about you.

Don't come back anymore.

Like Breathing Out And Breathing In

Current Song: "I Could Have Danced All Night" -- Eliza Doolittle

My Fair Lady was good but the girl who played Eliza was shrill. The important part is that I looked fantastic.

I'm mixing Ativan and sleeping pills in an attempt to curb the progress of horrible insomnia that has crept up on me. If that means I don't wake up tomorrow, you should know that I've done the best I could.

Also, somebody call Mary-Kate Olsen.

It's That Fa Fa Fa Song

Current Song: "Landmines" -- St. Vincent

Between the minimal amount of sleep I'm getting and the fact that I just swallowed a handful of muscle relaxants, I am doing just fine right now. I doubt I could hold up my end of a conversation, but I feel fine.

Also, as I was leaving work today I realized I had left my cell phone on my desk, reached for it, and somehow picked up the stapler instead. I don't know either.

Insomnia is carrying on. If this doesn't resolve itself soon I'm going to have to call the Mental Health Center again. Or go insane and run out into the night screaming about fighting dragons. I'm thinking tonight I'll mix Ativan and sleeping pills, that might solve the problem.

The sleeping pills I take are fucking up my dreams. They do weird things to my brain chemistry so in my dreams I am very dizzy all the time and I frequently fall down or pass out. It's quite strange.

I'm going to My Fair Lady at the Orpheum tonight with Lila. I have crap seats but I'm still excited.

Also, somebody take away my Paypal account so I can't buy things on Amazon anymore. I have a veritable library of excessively crazy shit either here or on the way. Like "Jewish Myth, Magic and Mysticism." Or a handbook to ecstasy through Shamanism. Apparently I fell into a thing recently where I became extremely interested in world religions and the phenomena of mysticism and religious ecstasy. It has resulted in a lot of weird stuff in my mailbox.

Your Ghost

Current Song: "Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)" -- Arcade Fire

Once again, I sincerely don't feel well. I am going to see My Fair Lady tonight and damned if I will be taken down by my own body. I don't know what's wrong with me lately.

In a scene in the movie Moonstruck, Cher yells "How did I know that man was a gift I couldn't keep?" and for some reason that's running through my head right now.

I gotta go to work, apparently.

It Seems So Unnatural

Current Song: "Oxford Comma" -- Vampire Weekend

Boy, this song really sticks with you.

I said I had homework to get out of going to a party I didn't really want to go to. I do have homework, but I'm not going to do it tonight. I talked to my mom earlier today and explained to her that I'm not putting much effort into college anymore, and she enthusiastically said she would be doing the same thing and all I need to do is pass. I haven't taken a poll or anything, but I'm pretty sure everyone I know is keeping half an eye on me to make sure I don't slip under and drown. After last semester, that's pretty reassuring. I love having permission to coast.

I'm not hungry so this day will probably end with me having eaten a burrito from Burrito Loco, and that's it. Oh, also some Little Debbie knockoff HoHos. I don't really even like Burrito Loco burritos, but it's two steps out my front door and I needed hot food but lacked the energy to cook.

I had horrible, horrible insomnia last night. I don't know how to combat that if these sleeping pills stop working.

Why Would You Lie About Something Dumb Like That?

Current Song: "Oxford Comma" -- Vampire Weekend

I'm about to go take a test on material that I've never read, for a class that I've missed a lot of, and the test is not (NOT) multiple choice. So, I don't know how I'm going to pull that off. I'm going to be reading my notes on the bus, that's the best I can do.

For some reason I just really don't feel good today.

If You Won't Save Your Own

Current Song: "You Were Meant For Me" -- Jewel

I've been feeling so high school lately -- what is that about? It explains all the Jewel and Matchbox 20 I've been listening to, though.

I've been sitting here staring at this Compose screen for almost 20 minutes and not typing. I have things to say, I guess, I just can't find them.

God I hope you are listening. My God, I hope you are listening.

I Stand Corrected

Current Song: "Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" -- Vampire Weekend

I now have two tickets to this show, but I'm not sure who to invite.

I have a headache again, or still, or something. This one is probably equal parts stress and walking around in the cold wind without a hat, which froze out my inner ear canal in my right ear, which is quite painful as it thaws.

All I want to do is lie down and watch cartoons, but my frigging DVD player is busted, and there's no comfortable way to lie down and watch movies on my computer. And hell if I'm taking any of my stuff out to the living room, God knows what would happen to it.

It's another one of those days where I can't get enough water.

I've been having too many things happen lately and I can no longer tell how I feel about anything. Or, more specifically, anyone.

I'll Do What I Can

Current Song: "Wall Of Sound" -- Armin Van Buuren

I have loved you and supported everything you've done, every day, for nearly three years. And you just walked. You walked on me and you never said why, and it's been killing me for months. You know I started smoking again because of you? You know I started taking antidepressants again because of you? You know I can't sleep anymore because of you? Do you have any idea how much time in my day is spent worrying about you, wondering where you are and why I don't get to know anymore? I finally call you on it and all you can give is that you'll do what you can? I've shed so many tears over you, my heart is broken every day by you, every day. I have never been so honest with anyone in my life and all it got me was a breakdown.

I don't understand, I don't see how you can't see what you've done. I can't stop crying.

It Made Me Miss You Oh So Bad

Current Song: "Who Will Save Your Soul?" -- Jewel

I guess I missed it when you said goodbye but didn't leave. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Do You Want To Come Over And Kill Some Time?

Current Song: "This Modern Love" -- Bloc Party

I am so in love with this song.

We might be at the beginning of a bad, stupid, melodramatic fight over the Oscars. The Oscars. How childish is that? Sometimes I want to shake some sense into everyone I know. I've made my choice and I'm sticking with it. Perhaps if you hadn't kicked me when I was down, my choice would be you.

Susan keeps hinting around that she wants to borrow money from me and I'm playing dumb. I'm not giving her any more money. Sure she's paid it all back, but I'm not going to support her complete inability to prioritize anymore.

Speaking of which, rent is due soon. I hope she has a plan.

No new developments in my life, love life or otherwise. Actually, I'm not quite sure what's happening in that corner anymore. I guess normal people wait this kind of thing out, see how the hand plays. I guess I'll try to be normal this time.

Pol Pot, Pol Pot, Pol Pot

Current Song: "My Name Is Jonas" -- Weezer

My neck and back hurt awfully today. I'm so tired I think I have to just give up and go to bed.

And It'll Make You Want To Be With Me

Current Song: "Some Fantastic" -- Barenaked Ladies

I finally got some sleep :) I'm on top of the world today.

I'm Afraid Of Americans

Current Song: "Walk On The Wild Side" -- Lou Reed

I'm much happier today than I was yesterday, possibly because I know I have fun with people I love on the schedule pretty much for the entire weekend.

I'm wearing a black silk headband with a bow on left center and, as bad as that sounds, it looks like it was made for me. I tried it on as a lark in H&M with Lila, and she insisted that I had to buy it because nothing will ever be as adorable as me with this headband on. I have to say, I was a little critical of it at first, but then I realized that I am goddamned adorable.

Also, I'm making major life changes in that I'm revamping my wardrobe and replacing my entire series of University of Minnesota t-shirts and hooded sweatshirts with feminine, low cut, stylish shirts that make me look like I give a rat's ass about what I look like. Because frankly, after so many years of crippling social anxiety, I'm starting to care.

I have been forbidden to go to the gym since I injured my neck and back so I am feeling particularly fat lately. However, with the diminished appetite and the laziness about going grocery shopping, this might be a problem that solves itself.

With Helicopters Overhead

Current Song: "Jailhouse Rock" -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

I slept through my first class this morning, got up to go hand in a paper in the second class, and was told when I got there that the instructor decided to make the papers due on Thursday. Then I went to the grocery store but nothing sounded good so I bought a bunch of snacks and came home. I've been really depressed since last night. I sincerely hope that clears up soon, I'm about to hit the ceiling on this Prozac.

I passed out while watching Spongebob Squarepants with Susan, just after I ate lunch/dinner (I'm pretty much only eating one meal these days.) I woke up about three hours later, the TV was off, Susan was gone, and my glasses were smeared from sleeping with them on. I've had pretty bad heartburn since then. This is crap.

Everybody You Know Is Wrong

Current Song: "Cinema" -- Serart

Either I have been the victim of an elaborate scam, or someone in my family is a jerk. I got two $30 gift cards (to Wal-Mart and Target) for Christmas. I just searched my wallet thoroughly before ordering something -- turns out the Wal-Mart card has disappeared and the $30 gift card to Target is suddenly a $10 gift card? So one of us has made a horrible error? I like to think it's a conspiracy and someone stole my gift cards and then replaced one with a $10 gift card for some ungodly reason. Bah, at least I can replace my trash can.

This Is Where I Bitch About America

Current Song: "Coyote" -- Better Than Ezra

I realized about two hours ago that the paper that I thought we were doing in class tomorrow actually had to be done before class, so I've been scrambling. Unfortunately, due to my choice to work on the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) all semester for my Family Policy class, I have been reading a lot of masochistic, far-Right rhetoric that insists that legislating against domestic violence victimizes men and takes children away from fathers. Fathers who hit them, or who hit their mothers in front of them. The last column I read (from a political science professor at Howard University*, no less) insisted that "restraining orders" are unconstitutional because they make it unlawful for the "restrained" to do what other people lawfully do, like talk to his estranged wife who cries herself to sleep every night and jumps whenever a door slams. All of these critics of the VAWA also cite faulty statistics indicating that men are victimized at least as often as women, failing to account for the fact that a) violence from men to women is far more likely to end in medical treatment for the victim, b) that violence against women by men is astronomically statistically more likely to end in homicide, and c) a significant portion of the statistics on men's victimization include men who are victimized by their male partner. It basically breaks down to every time a woman pokes her husband in the chest during an argument, another woman's husband punches her in the face. It's not quite the same.

What it boils down to is that I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that so-called "men's rights" groups are fighting for the right to beat their wives.

*Also, this particular critic came right out and said that dating violence (including stalking) among teenagers does not exist and should not be part of the Act. I have a theory, and it's that this guy lives in a cave and has never met any women. And certainly no teenage women.

You Make Me Feel I Don't Exist

Current Song: "Empty State" -- Armin van Buuren feat. Mic Burns

Susan hasn't been to work in like a month and I have no idea how she plans to pay the rent for March and it's stressing me out. If she asks me for money again I'm going to punch her in the solar plexus.

I am so looking forward to this week being over.

I Guess We'll Just Have To Adjust

Current Song: "Wake Up" -- Arcade Fire

I laid on the couch all wrong and kinked up my neck worse than anything. If I take some muscle relaxants and go to bed now I can sleep for almost 12 hours.

The quiz I had to take today, I was grossly unprepared for it, but then I got in there and realized it was multiple-choice. So, it didn't matter.

Someone somewhere in this building is playing "The First Noel" on what sounds like a trumpet but reasonably could be any of the brass instruments, I can't really tell them apart. Also, they must be new to the instrument.

I've been sleepwalking through a lot of days lately. Also, skipping eating because I'm too tired or nothing sounds good. Although last night I had a burrito at 1 AM. I'm failing at life.

Turns A Body Into GDP

Current Song: "Uh-Oh, Love Comes To Town" -- Talking Heads

I did almost nothing today except listen to music and shop for shit I don't need online. Amazon has all my money.

I did get a brief respite when Dan and Chad and I attempted to go to the showing of the Academy Award nominated live-action short films at the Lagoon. Unfortunately, by the time we got to the head of the line, there was only one seat left for the three of us. So instead of movie time, we went and got milkshakes at Snuffy's, and it's all I could have asked for.

We've got big plans in the works apparently.

Also, I'm still mad at you and the childish way you are handling it does not speak well of you. On the other hand, as mad as I am, I'm working on buying you a present you would absolutely love, because I am shameless, which doesn't speak well of me. I wish we could go back to simply loving each other and not stressing out about it. Remember those days? I was actually happy then.

With Pulleys And Weights

Current Song: "In The Aeroplane Over The Sea" -- Neutral Milk Hotel

I'm actually kind of hungry for the first time since I upped the Prozac and it killed my appetite. Which is kind of a gift, actually.

I goddamn love Neutral Milk Hotel. It's such a hipster cliche and I'm embracing it anyway.

I desperately need to get a new garbage can for my bedroom because, um, something bad happened to mine. You don't want to know. But I need to go shopping at a Target or a Wal-Mart because I have gift cards to both, and I never get out that way. I should make a day of it and go grocery shopping for affordable groceries for once in my life, also.

I feel weird today. I hope this doesn't spring into a manic episode where I strip naked and run down University in the snow screaming that I am the angel of death. My poor broken brain.

This Ain't No Disco

Current Song: "Take Me To The River" -- Talking Heads

When I finally came home today (I don't come home on Fridays if at all possible), I was greeted with two new acquisitions I bought on Amazon in a Vicodin blackout: The Best Of Talking Heads (by Talking Heads, obviously) and In The Aeroplane Over The Sea (by Neutral Milk Hotel). I'm excited about both of these things but mostly I'm wondering what other surprises I'll get in the mail? I refuse to look at my Amazon account to find out, because this way it's like Christmas every day.

I had a surprisingly fun night grow out of a social obligation I wasn't exactly on fire about. For one thing, I vastly improved my pathetic Guitar Hero skills (I moved up to Medium!) I also saw Michael Clayton, and George Clooney is a good-looking fellow. The movie drags a little but it's pretty good. Not best picture material, but pretty good.

I have had a headache for days and days. It's not a surprise to anyone.

Also, I woke up at 3:15 this morning and realized I was so dehydrated I could barely breathe and it felt like my brain was trying to break out of my skull. I stumbled into the bathroom and guzzled a bunch of water and then blindly took ibuprofen in the dark, which seems to have solved the issue but made me realize that with all I've got on the table right now, groping around for pills when I can't see the label could be disastrous. Especially since I tend to take four or five ibuprofen at a time.

I'm surprised nobody has pointed out that I'm on a road to self-destruction. Even I can see it.

And If You Don't Love Me, Let Me Go

Current Song: "Engine Driver" -- The Decemberists

Oh my God, my shoulders/neck/back hurt. My physical therapist recommended I call my doctor and request more Vicodin, and I'm kind of in that boat.

Also, you don't seem to realize that you ruined my life, and I can't make it any clearer.

If I Could Take The Fire Out From The Wire

Current Song: "I'll Believe In Anything" -- Wolf Parade

Turns out mixing two gins-and-juice with muscle relaxants will net you the soundest sleep you'll ever get. And I mean in a way that's slightly terrifying. Hooray for science!

Also, it occurs to me that I didn't eat anything today at all. Oops.

I Got Better, I Got Strong

Current Song: "Lurgee" -- Radiohead

I'm totally in love with my adorable physical therapist. Also, massage IS a part of my rehab, which is the best day ever. Unfortunately, the aftermath of physical therapy means that I am basically in too much pain to sit up. It being Valentine's Day and all, I'm going to mix gin with muscle relaxants and try not to choke to death on my own vomit, Jimi Hendrix-style.

Also, I think you are mad at me for being mad at you, which frankly is total bullshit. You can't get mad at me for calling you out on being an asshole, it doesn't work that way.

With Something Wrapped Around His Head

Current Song: "A Stone" -- Okkervil River

I just wrote a paper on the Violence Against Women Act and I had to pretend I don't know as much as I do in this area. It's an intro class that I should have taken three years ago, so I'm pretending I haven't gone all the way through college yet. You know, to fit in.

I stayed home all day because I felt horrible. I still do, but I have papers due in both classes tomorrow, so I guess I gotta go out. Also, physical therapy starts tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day to me!! (no.)

Come Back In From The Cold

Current Song: "I Know" -- Jude

Oooooohhhhh, I don't feel good today.

Let Fall Your Shirt

Current Song: "Savannah Smiles" -- Okkervil River

Okay, I don't remember retreading the same subject like twenty times in this thing this week. Vicodin eats holes in my memory. Sorry about the repetition. Sorry, everyone.

Also, once I listened to this song three times in a row in my office and by the end I was crying so hard I couldn't work. This song is poison when you know what it's about.

Talk About Your Big Mistakes

Current Song: "Unless It's Kicks" -- Okkervil River

I goddamn love Okkervil River.

My Vicodin wore off, I only have a couple left, and my spine feels exactly like someone has plunged a burning hot knife directly into the space between my shoulder blades. Also I'm out of muscle relaxants and the Pharmacy's refill line isn't working. Life sucks when the drugs wear off.

Also I think I picked up a bug the last time I was at the doctor's office. Like that would keep me down, though, right?

Also my DVD player broke and I've only had it for like 6 months. Thanks a ton, Best Buy!

I don't know what to do with us anymore.

I Wish You Wished I Wished You Love

Current Song: "I'm Sorry Now" -- Jude

I think I picked up a bug when I was at the doctor's office last time, which is just fantastic. Also, I'm out of muscle relaxants which is crap. I may have to take a trip to the pharmacy today instead of coming home and taking a nap which is what I really want to do.

I spend a lot of my free time planning for Vegas. I wish it was March already.

Last night I had a nightmare that I was denied my chance to leave the country this summer, and I freaked right out. I guess I didn't realize how much I wanted this to happen, even though the chances are pretty slim.

Coughing hurts my bones and organs.

She's Almost Everything I Need

Current Song: "Rain King" -- Counting Crows

My neck, shoulders, and back won't stop hurting, I'm almost out of Vicodin and muscle relaxants, and I'm very, very cranky.

I keep going on Amazon shopping sprees when I'm high, which is costing me a lot of money but netting me interesting acquisitions, like Butler's Lives of the Saints and the new Vampire Weekend album. Yeah, I don't know either.

I want to punch someone right in their stupid face, and I'm not specifically mad at anybody. I'm just filled with general rage. Goddamn sidewalk ice ruining my life.

See It Through His Eyes

Current Song: "Empty State" -- Armin Van Buuren feat. Mic Burns

Your best friend is a bitch.

Surprise!

Current Song: "Mariner's Revenge Song" -- The Decemberists

I lived!

Not drinking is harder than it should be.

Through Good Times And Bad

Current Song: "Grounds For Divorce" -- Wolf Parade

3 Fluoxetine (60 mg)
2 Trazodone (100 mg)
2 Lorazepam (2 mg)
2 Cyclobenzaprine (10 mg)
1 Hydrocodone (5-500 tab)

That should all even out in the end. Also, I love you. Plain and simple.

You Took My Love

Current Song: "We're Leaving" -- DeVotchKa

Partially motivated by my love of science and partially by my disregard for reality, I'm mixing tranquilizers and muscle relaxants just to see what happens. If this is the last note you ever get from me, you should know that I gave you all the love I had.

Isn't that that Sade song we were trying to remember the other day?

There Will Be Blood Is A Terrible Film

Current Song: "Swimming" -- Sunset Rubdown

There Will Be Blood was an awful, awful movie in the style and general theme of Magnolia, which I also violently hated. Every character is disgusting or unforgivably annoying, the plot (such as it is) drags on for hours, and the score, although lovely on its own, drags your attention out of the movie with screaming force. I hated it so, so much.

I apparently have been tearing through my painkillers with alarming speed, so I'm trying to hold off for right now, which means my neck has stiffened up again and a sharp, stabbing pain has set in just between my shoulder blades.

All I ate today was ice cream.

I have to go see my shrink tomorrow because this whole thing isn't working out. Also, I'm not sure what I can and can't mix with the painkillers. Boo.

Chad and I talked about moving away today and it was the first time I didn't beg him to stay. I don't know what that means.

I've Tried, I've Tried

Current Song: "Wall of Sound" -- Armin Van Buuren feat. Justine Suissa

I am counting down the hours til I'm gone.

Also, I put off taking pain pills for as long as I could this morning, which, turns out, is not that long. Then I napped all day. I don't want to go back to class tomorrow, I haven't done the reading and I won't be able to concentrate anyway. I wish I had dropped out of school when I had the chance.

Fine.

Don't Leave Me, Love Me

Current Song: "Wall of Sound" -- Armin Van Buuren

New injuries have cropped up to highlight the old ones. I've discovered that I twisted both elbows (although my right elbow hurts more,) I've pulled all the muscles around my ribcage, and I've pulled the muscles between my elbows and forearms on both sides. Plus the whole rotated-spine thing and the strained shoulder thing and the neck and back sprains. I wasn't aware that one could sustain this level of injury just from falling down. (Twice.)

I've just discovered Armin Van Buuren because I've been kind of out of touch with the whole house/trance scene. According to reviews, this album (Shivers) is his worst effort, but I LOVE it. I bought it just for the title track, but all of it is just great. Of course, with all the Vicodin I'm on, everything is just fantastic.

Typing makes my elbows hurt.

I got bored and started calling people I know, and even though my status on facebook has been updated to reflect my horrible injuries, apparently nobody looks at my profile. Also, everyone I know is sick. What's happening to us?

Jesus Mary and Joseph

Current Song: "Cocaine" -- Eric Clapton

Ok, I fell down twice today in the one block between my apartment and the bus stop. Following a number of x-rays, I've discovered that I've sprained my back, sprained my neck, strained both shoulders, twisted an elbow, and rotated my spine right out of place. I will have to go to at least eight weeks of physical therapy because of this. Also because of this, I am high on Vicodin and muscle relaxants right now.

I need to cancel my dental appointment tomorrow because I can't tilt my head or lean back at all, and for some reason my phone doesn't ring through to the cancellation line. I guess there's nothing I can do about it now.

Once Upon A Time There Was Light In My Life

Current Song: "Total Eclipse of the Heart" -- Bonnie Tyler

This is what ruined my day:

This morning I asked Robby where he was watching the Superbowl, and said "Oh, Cat's house." (Cat is a mutual friend of ours.) Then he named a couple of other people that would be there that I thought I was on generally good terms with. I asked Rodrigo where he was catching the game and he said he didn't know, maybe he'd stay home and watch it with me. Cut to several hours later, Robby puts his coat on and calls Rodrigo to get going. Then they left for the party together. The party full of people that I thought were friends of mine. The party I was explicitly not invited to. So, now I feel the way I did in junior high when I moved to a new school and everyone instantly disliked me. Thanks, Robby, Rodrigo, and Cat! I hope I never see any of you again! Too bad I have to live with the two of you I am the most angry at!

As you can see, it is damaging to my already delicate sense of reality that I continue living here. I hope it goes really bad and I stop eating, sit in a chair for three weeks, and end up in the hospital. God knows THAT went well the first time.

Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you. I do not deserve this.

Also, shut your fucking guitar up, you asshole.

Looked Right Through Me

Current Song: "Mad World" -- Gary Jules

Barack Obama is magical. So magical that when I heard him speak today, I found myself WANTING to discard my cynical realism and start recapturing hope that this country and this world can be a better place in which to live. I'm voting Obama on Tuesday, I hope you are too.

On a more mundane note, Rodrigo got in trouble because I was shrieking at the Gophers in the last five minutes of an intensely exciting game with UND, and he told me I sounded crazy. The way I see it, love me during hockey season or don't love me at all. I am enthusiastic about my team, I don't need to get mocked for that.

On an even more mundane note, I requested that everyone have their rent in by Friday, which was the 1st and the day that it is technically due. I requested this by posting a note on the front door that said "Have your rent in by Friday (seriously)." Everyone turned theirs in but Susan. At that point I had an old-fashioned hissy fit. I wrote her a series of four notes which I posted around the original note, saying things like "What the hell," "This note was very clear," "Now it is SATURDAY," "Where is your rent?" Absolutely against all odds, she turned her rent in to me today. I was shocked. I am so sick of fighting her every day for the rent and being on the edge of my seat about whether she is going to get it on time or not. I guess the crackdown is working.

I've Come To The End Of Me, Rita

Current Song: "California" -- Phantom Planet

I think this song might be from the O.C. It's pretty gross.

What should have been happy fun time tonight instead was fraught with tension and mercifully ended early, at about 12:30. I was tired and decided I'd rather go to sleep than spend more time with the people I love, especially since there was a lot of infighting and everyone was in a weirdly combative mood. I threw stuff at other people in the bar which got me yelled at by my own party, then I got suckered into drinking a shot of gin which, for people that know me and were probably there, is the worst idea ever. Gin is going to be what kills me, I think. Anyway, I've been drinking pretty steadily since 4:00 PM, and instead of being invigorating, I'm just exhausted.

I'm going to check out Obama's campaigning tomorrow, which is pretty exciting if I can drag myself out of bed.

Our Work Is Never Over

Current Song: "Harder Better Faster Stronger" -- Daft Punk

I slept through my classes today which, admittedly, was not the best choice. Actually I probably could have made it to the second one but by that point I was pretty committed to not changing out of my sweatpants. I am a lazy bastard.

I pulled the drawings I did off of the wall and binned them. Then Rodrigo asked me where they went and said that he had liked them. I have a problem where I hate almost all of my own work and I can't stand to have my shameful attempts displayed and secretly critiqued, so I panicked and threw them out. I think it's better this way.

Today I booked myself a luxury vacation for Spring Break. My mom worries about me because I love traveling alone, but a) I hate being beholden to someone else's schedule or desires, and b) everyone I know is totally unreliable and also kind of sucks. So they're not invited. I think my mom mostly worries that I'm an insane loner, and I'm not, really, I just have a hard time meeting people who do what they say they are going to do. As in, I have never met anyone who did what they said they were going to do. This strongly compels me to mistrust everyone, which doesn't exactly make me warm and welcoming. Also, the insanity doesn't help.

I'm in an unwinnable war here, and there's no real way out unless I'm the one that leaves. If you left me, I'd be broken. If I left you, I'd be okay. But I don't trust you not to turn your back on me, which is why I keep running away. Why can't you be the person you used to be?