But I Can't See You Every Night

Current Song: "About A Girl" -- Nirvana

I've clearly dropped out on life.

Everyone Wants Body Counts, And I Just Want To Cry

Current Song: "The Toro and the Toreador" -- Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

Taking all bets: who thinks I have pneumonia again? I'll be finding out tomorrow for sure. Here's hoping I don't die before then.

We're Just Waiting For A Pardon

Current Song: "Saint John" -- Cold War Kids

It has been proposed by the other members of my child abuse class that I have any/all of the following:

a) pneumonia

b) bronchitis

c) whooping cough

I have been informed that the test for whooping cough involves a tube being jammed roughly up your nose. I will pass on this, if at all possible. The secret point is, I'm dying.

It's Too Late To Cancel Now

Current Song: "Song For Clay (Disappear Here)" -- Bloc Party

I don't know what to be for Halloween and maybe I'll be dead by then anyway, if this cough keeps up.

Somebody come here and kill me.

Posted Without A Title

Current Song: "I'm A Ghost" -- Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

Good Christ On Your Heavenly Throne: I'm still sick and I can't afford to keep missing work/school. If the world was just I wouldn't have to pay for health care and there would be no penalties for recuperation.

I've Been Here For Years

Current Song: "The Courtesan Has Sung" -- Sunset Rubdown

All this laying around and staring vacantly has led inevitably to the blues. Which has led inevitably to thinking about you. I wish you were capable of being an adult. I wish I was capable of trust.

All I Can Afford Is Particle Board

Current Song: "Mariner's Revenge Song" -- The Decemberists

I have been trapped in my apartment since Tuesday. I am out of food. My apartment is trashed, including two large red wine stains on the carpet, thank you very much Greg Lindberg. I hate being sick but I like bitching about it.

Fever All Through The Night

Current Song: "You Give Me Fever" -- Peggy Lee

Nobody takes care of me.

I'm Pretty Sure We're Done Here

Current Song: "Paint It Black" -- The Rolling Stones

The University is attempting to undo every bad thing they've ever done to me in one day, apparently. Today I got a notice that they had automatically updated my deferment status with all my student loans to reflect the fact that I was graduating in the Spring and not in December. This saves me loads of travel time and paperwork. Then, I was investigating my schedule for next semester (I'll come back to this) and I discovered that they gave me credit for that class I took last semester that they told me wasn't Writing Intensive. You know, the one that was listed as Writing Intensive and then halfway through the semester they said "We totally lied, screw you." It was the best news ever, I hate Writing Intensive classes.

The other good news is that I only have to take two classes next semester, and they're both on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So I'll have an insane amount of free time, which is what I've been begging for all along.

Now my only problem is the horrible fever, aches and pains, coughing, and general illness. Goddammit, My Roommate Who Got Sick And Wasn't Responsible About What She Was Touching.

Four Collapsing Folders

Current Song: "Let Down" -- Radiohead

I spent hours doing research, putting together a reference list, and writing a cohesive thesis statement, only to immediately become paralyzed with self-doubt. I think that the topic I have chosen for the research review I have to write (the intersection of welfare reform, chronic unemployment, and domestic violence) is not in keeping with the spirit of the class (Family Psychology). I emailed my professor to ask, but now I'm just sitting here biting my nails and waiting for her to tell me I have to do it all over.

In other words, fuck Family Psychology.

In other news, I dropped Human Anatomy because it was that or open my carotid vein and bleed out all over my bathtub. I don't remember if I've mentioned this before or not.

In other, other news, you are a constant disappointment to me.

That Would Be Good For Soup

Current Song: "Is It Moving Yet?" -- Dance Band

The highlight of a trip to Morris that was nothing but highlights definitely came at around 5:30 this morning. We were all crammed together in the back of the Lexus trying to get some sleep when I realized for sure that I absolutely needed to pee. Like any reasonable person, I tried opening the door. It was locked, so like any reasonable person, I unlocked it. This set off the car alarm. The horn started honking and the lights started flashing on and off, and it took us a minute to get that under control. Then I rolled out of the car, peed on somebody's house, and crawled back in. We had just gotten our giggling under control when the police showed up. Turns out that car alarm was the most exciting thing going on in Morris on a Saturday night. The cop was cool about it but he kicked us out of the car so we had to trudge back into the house where the after-party was being held. Sadly, it was colder in the house than it was in the car, and everything was dirty and the guy who owns the house is a train wreck, so we cleared out at 9 and drove back to the Cities. In other words, there was a lot happening last night.

Oh, also, I went to pee before we left this morning and there was blood in the toilet and somebody's soaking-wet trunks in the bathtub. Yeah, Morris.

Do You Think The Second Movement Has Too Many Violins?

Current Song: "Up On Your Leopard, Upon The End Of Your Feral Days" -- Sunset Rubdown

Actually, since this is a burned CD with no track titles, I can only guess what song is really on. That's the only title I can remember from Random Spirit Lover, which is unbelievably great in every possible shining way.

Because I'm the kind of girl who is fiscally responsible for fun, I treated myself to a free credit report today (a genuinely free credit report, not that freecreditreport.com crap. Freecreditreport.com is a scam, don't be taken in by it.) It was full of what would, in other hands, be horrible news. Which is to say, my student loan debt is sitting well and true at $79,916. Before interest. This is good news for me, as self-doubt and estimation had led me to believe that my debt had exceeded $100,000. Next to that money pit, $79,916 doesn't sound so bad, does it? In celebration I wrote a check to pay off my Perkins loan from Hamline (which balance has been at $202 for the past four years or so.) Between that and paying off my credit card, I feel like I really accomplished something this week.

All I want to do is sleep. I wish I hadn't taken Human Anatomy, especially since I'm second guessing myself on this whole graduate school thing. Oh, on a related note, I DID have a test in there last Thursday, and I DID fail it. I'm thinking of taking my no-questions-asked drop on this class. But then, I say that every semester.

I Confess To Self-Deception

Current Song: "Tell Me In The Morning" -- Cold War Kids

Two things I'm tired of: I'm tired of you hearing what you think I'm saying instead of what I'm actually saying. Stop predicting what I'm going to say and start listening to me, for God's sake. Also, I realize you're under a lot of stress or whatever, but a "thank you" or even an acknowledgment that I'm going out of my way for you might be nice. I guess that's a lot to expect from you. Let's face it, everything's a lot to expect from you. If I could cut you out of my life and start over, I would.

All Of My Answers Are Under The Sea

Current Song: "One Is The Loneliest Number" -- Three Dog Night

I have three tests this week and I am not doing anything in particular to prepare for them. The longer this goes on the more I don't want to be in school anymore.

I have been having random but severe muscle pains all day and it's not my favorite. It might be withdrawal from all the benzos. I need to get my life under control, I'm turning into Hunter S. Thompson.

Trying To Rid You From My Bones

Current Song: "Engine Driver" -- The Decemberists

I spent the whole weekend sleeping. As in, on Saturday I slept for 15 hours. Most of it on my living room couch. I was supposed to go out but I couldn't wake up enough. Unfortunately, this all resulted in very poor sleep last night, and a headache right now.

Charlie called me from the Army a couple days ago. He doesn't love it but he says he's alright. He's been gone for four months and I didn't have any news to tell him.

I've been living life as though I'm dreaming it lately.

Anyone Who Laughs Is A Communist

Current Song: "High Life" -- The Court & Spark

After three different people punked out on me, I ended up going out and getting drunk with Lacy, Robby, Brian, and Dan. We all got pretty belligerent, with dancing where there wasn't a dance floor and screaming at each other about the fight for Irish Home Rule. It was pretty fun, but I started regretting that last Tequila Sunrise when my alarm went off at 9. I have to go to some lame training thing for the CLA to learn how to be a volunteer. I am not volunteering with the CLA, they just want me to know how to interact with people in an office environment and whatnot. I have a surprise for them, and it's that I've been gainfully employed for about 10 years. I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing. But it's required for my service-learning class . I'm debating whether I want to play it half-assed but straight or whether I want to take some tranquilizers and make it all just a distant dream. On a related note, I clearly have a problem with these tranquilizers and me wanting to take them all the time.

It's The High Life For Me

Current Song: "Thoughts of a Dying Atheist" -- Muse

I am fully stocked on prescription drugs that would command a nice price on the street. Hooray for student service fees and my ability to see a doctor any old damn time I please!

I would rather open my own veins than go to my night class tonight. I should really look into when the first test is in there. I think I've had a big enough day that I should get to skip class. I had to get up at 6:30 in the morning to go to the doctor and admit that I was on the fast road to pain and death. Shouldn't that be enough?

With Silver Sparklers Burning In My Eyes

Current Song: "Time And Time Again" -- Counting Crows

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to talk about how I have problems that are no longer reasonably manageable. I am, naturally, terrified. It's a self-perpetuating problem.

These days all I think about is moving away and starting over. What fresh hell that could turn out to be, right? Historically it's gone about as well as this is going.

Pipe Organ Is The Best

Current Song: "Ocean of Noise" -- Arcade Fire

Arcade Fire/LCD Soundsystem was great, and could have been amazing if it wasn't in Roy Wilkins Auditorium. The sound quality in there is muddy at best. Also, I hate it that Minnesota audiences don't move around at shows. I always want to apologize to the band.

Also, some girl got in my face because we were on the floor and the people in front of me got in my way so I stepped in front of her and she grabbed me and was like, "Um, you stepped right in front of me." And I said "I sure did" and kept standing there. Were her legs broken? Did she not understand the concept of the floor, where you can move around? I swear to God, some people have never been to a concert before.

Anyway, the concert was just good stuff. LCD Soundsystem was pumped up, even if the audience was not. And Arcade Fire had a good mix of new stuff and old stuff. And Win Butler crossed himself, Catholic-style, on the pivotal closing line of Antichrist Television Blues and it was pretty intense. On a related note, one of the guys in that band is clearly a wizard, as at one point he was up banging a drum in the balcony and I never saw him leave the stage. Really, my only complaint was that the sound quality in the venue made it difficult to fully connect and get lost in the show.

Oh, also, making the video for Dance Band was pretty fun. I feel like I'm in 90% of the shots, but editing will cut that down by a lot, I'm sure. Also, I got kicked out of an overhead shot because my breasts were too distracting. On the plus side, I made a lot of friends because of this. I should wear more lower-cut clothing. Just putting that out there.