Try When You Roam

Current Song: "Red Right Ankle" -- The Decemberists

After I finally finished reading the book, I killed that 8 page paper on welfare reform in about three hours. Which is encouraging for the four page single space paper I have to write by Thursday.

I am not in class again because at this point, I'm pretty much not even pretending I'm going. I have to go on Thursday to turn in that paper, but that's pretty much it.

I've been absolutely living in hermitage in my room for the past several weeks, and there is trash and messiness everywhere. I've been slowly taking the dirty dishes back out to the kitchen, but that's about it.

I've pretty much stopped doing everything but the bare minimum to get through these last few weeks. Too many demands on someone who is grossly unprepared to handle it. Turns out that's how to get me to shut down.

I Don't Care About This Place Anymore

Current Song: "A Girl In Port" -- Okkervil River

We did not get that duplex we wanted, which makes me angry, although it's probably for the best since it is a million miles from my job. I called off work today so I can finish this looming final paper and also perhaps go grocery shopping. Also because I wanted to keep sleeping.

I need a place to live and I'm getting pretty pissed off about it.

I'm sort of packing it in on everything lately -- all I want to do is sleep. I don't want to do homework or go to work or go to class or go out. I don't want to go on more apartment showings. I don't want to put real pants on. I am overwhelmed.

If I Just Turn And Run

Current Song: "Fake Plastic Trees" -- Radiohead

This song makes me cry. Or maybe it's just the tremendous amount of stressful things in my life right now. And the PMS. Yeah, that can't be helping.

I want you out of my life as soon as possible. I want you to realize I'm gone and come crawling back, actually. But either way, we can't keep living like this.

All I want to do is sleep until May 14th.

Somebody go buy me groceries, I'm clearly not up to the task.

Evil Don't Look Like Anything

Current Song: "Westfall" -- Okkervil River

Goddamn I love Okkervil River.

I have been reading a book about welfare reform for the last four hours or so. Until my vision gave out and I was forced to take a break.

The landlord for that place in NE that we want is supposed to call us tomorrow to let us know if he's settling for us or not. It's making me insane -- this is about the third week of us waiting to hear if we can move in or not. In the meantime, there are other places to see, but I hate going on showings. I just want a place to live.

I'm going to change my phone number when I start my new job. Ultimately, too many people know my number when I would prefer never to think about them again.

I did not have healthy eating habits today and now I feel gross.

I wish I could see out of my sadly inadequate eyes.

Do You Think I'm Tall Enough?

Current Song: "Paint It Black" -- Rolling Stones

Dan was driving me home after we watched Lucky Number Slevin at Leslie's and somewhere around the 10th Avenue Bridge I realized I was conjugating verbs in my head. In English. That's not a good sign.

I'm having nightmares about class and that guy and other people's health and my dog dying and you, all incorporated into one. It's not exactly a restful way to spend the night.

Our housing search is becoming a housing crisis and I'm stressed out about it.

I have a headache and my socks are damp because I had a transportation situation today so I ended up spending about an hour in the rain in fabric shoes with holes in the toes. Because apparently I drag my toes when I walk.

I'm so tired and there's nothing but work ahead.

That Guy called me eight times today from two different phones, texted me twice, and left me a voicemail that was half affection and half crazy-anger. I'm probably going to end up changing my number over this debacle. Thanks, vodka (and tequila!) Jesus, my life is in disarray.

P.S. Lucky Number Slevin is a grossly underrated, totally badass movie, if you have the stamina to stay with it and pay attention.

Nothing Ever Comes For Free

Current Song: "Space" -- Muse

I didn't go to class again today because I'm a failure. On the plus side, I did mail in my acceptance letter for my job, so at least that's taken care of.

I'm making a large personal mistake right now and there appears to be nothing I can do about it. It's ok, it'll probably be alright. In the short term, it's cheering me up. Also, cute and fragile boys are my downfall no matter what our relationship is.

I think our prospective landlord is going to screw us out of that place, and we're having trouble finding anything more acceptable. Although we both really want to move back to Midway, so I hope that works out. It's frustrating waiting, though.

For A Couple Of Hours

Current Song: "Yankee Bayonet (I Will Be Home Then)" -- The Decemberists

That guy (you know, that guy who was the sole witness to me hitting bottom) won't stop calling me and it's causing me a lot of stress. I called T-Mobile to see if I could get his number blocked (I called at 1:00 in the morning and the girl who answered was SUPER NICE and told me a hilarious story about how she filed harassment charges against her ex-boyfriend because "i said no means no and he didn't understand that") but they said all I can do is change my phone number. I haven't accepted a single one of his phone calls, even when he calls from other phones, so I would think he'll likely give up soon. Hopefully.

I'm really, really crabby today and I think it's hormonally related and not so much anything that's specifically going on right now. I woke up in a bad mood and then I had to haul ass through getting showered and ready because of a shared bathroom situation and then all day I just thought about throwing a temper tantrum. I'm edgy, is what I'm saying.

Also, the Peace Corps won't accept applicants that have been on antidepressants any time in the last two years, which is the ultimate reason why I'm not going. Sad.

Now Your Life's No Longer Empty

Current Song: "Carry On Wayward Son" -- Kansas

Yeah, you're still an asshole. So is your friend. Well, realistically, so is everyone I've met through you.

Today is not starting off well, but I think I'll be okay.

Also...

Current Song: "Take Your Mama" -- Scissor Sisters

Apparently I'm graduating with honors. It's been a rich, full day.

And It's Pulling Me Back To You, Lord

Current Song: "My Heart Is An Apple" -- Arcade Fire

Okay, kids. I got a real job this morning. Like a career-type job. I have been hired as a Consumer Credit Counselor for Lutheran Social Services of MN. This means that I serve as a counselor for people who are in a financial crisis, help them identify their financial goals, give them options for meeting those goals, and direct them to community resources for any other help they might need. I will also be getting my accreditation as an Accredited Financial Counselor, so I can put letters behind my last name.

The job pays more than I had any right to dream for my first job out of college in a low-paying career field, and includes:

*Low-cost medical and dental insurance (this is the answer to a lot of my problems)
*Retirement plan
*Life and disability insurance
*Social Security
*10 paid holidays per year (I didn't even know there were 10 holidays in a year!)
*Two weeks paid vacation per year
*Flexible scheduling

And the guy that hired me is also a bus rider and specifically respects me for being the same, so I got my choice of locations to work at and I'm going to the one that is not more than an hour's commute every morning and evening.

In other words, holy shit, I'm all set.

Caught Kissing 8 Chinese Brothers

Current Song: "Plus Ones" -- Okkervil River

The highest-paying job that I've applied for, aka the only job I've interviewed for, aka the job I thought I was out of the running for because the interview was like three weeks ago and I never heard anything from them...that job called all my references today. Which is AWESOME. I want it, even though the commute is HORRIBLE unless I move to Saint Paul and I don't want to move to Saint Paul.

I've had a headache all day.

I expect to hear back on both an apartment and that job this week, so I'll keep you updated.

I Am The Heart That You Call Home

Current Song: "Engine Driver" -- The Decemberists

I'm hot and I'm not happy and everyone needs to step up and stop being selfish for like 1 minute. Dear everyone I know: get over yourselves. Except Leslie, she has a good reason. And the 3 of you that acknowledged this whole thing. Three. Out of nine. Good job, friends.

Also, I hate Assy McGee. And I've been sleeping all day so now I'm just cranky and awake.

Also, I lifted my Pizza Hut boycott to try their new pasta. It's not bad, but maybe not enough for me to forgive them.

Jesus, why is it so hot in here? I made sure the heat was off. I guess it's probably safe to open the window, the random rap concert that was being held out there is probably over.

Take This Sinking Boat And Point It Home

Current Song: "Shivers" -- Armin Van Buuren

Turns out I have an out of control drinking problem, which I have just asked for help and support on, so maybe we can turn this self-destructive train around. I REALLY don't want to end up back on an MI/CD unit where they taser you if you don't get out of bed and go to AA. Not good times.

Jesus Christ, I would really like to just have a normal life.

Let's Take The World's Stupidest Stand And Truly Mean It

Current Song: "Plus Ones" -- Okkervil River

I'm alive and alright, so nobody worry. I'm just making really interesting choices these days.

We All Recognize That I'm The Problem Here

Current Song: "Ghouls" -- We Are Scientists

[Edit: This is me hitting bottom.]

Set My Spirit Free

Current Song: "Coyote" -- Better Than Ezra

Let's play iPod Magnetic Poetry. Put your music player on shuffle, take the first line of the first song as line one, the second line of the second song as line two, etc. It's almost creative!

Signs, signs are lost
And I could never run away from you
While all these ugly gentlemen play out their foolish games
Build a new reality
They don't mean anything

I'll still have my sight
And it came true now, mind was on holiday
Give us time to work it out

And the feeling is that there's something wrong
Last chance to lose control
Of travel I've had my share, man
Your face is drawn

The rabbit was a-rooted in the whole moon
Burn us down, burn us
This quiet serves only to hide you
Way down
Yeah.

*****

Song Key:
1. Talking Heads, "Blind"
2. Radiohead, "You"
3. Jeff Buckley, "Eternal Life"
4. Muse, "Hoodoo"
5. Modest Mouse, "Trailer Trash"
6. Low, "When I Go Deaf"
7. TV on the Radio, "A Method"
8. Talking Heads, "Road To Nowhere"
9. Radiohead, "Stop Whispering"
10. Muse, "Hysteria"
11. Johnny Cash, "I've Been Everywhere"
12. St. Vincent, "Your Lips Are Red"
13. Islands, "Rough Gem"
14. The Frames, "The Cost"
15. The Decemberists, "Cocoon"
16. The Court & Spark, "We Were All Uptown Rulers"
17. Better Than Ezra, "Coyote"

I Am The Family's Unowned Boy

Current Song: "So Come Back, I Am Waiting" -- Okkervil River

When I woke up this morning my eyes were having seizures and I had to wait it out to get out of bed. That's what I get for taking sleeping pills at 3 in the morning.

I don't feel especially well and my hair is filthy and I'm still going to class because we've got a test for me to fail today.

It smells like cigarettes in here, that's how I know how drunk I was last night.

Is today over yet?

And You Give Yourself Away

Current Song: "Showbiz" -- Muse

It's nearly 3 AM, I'm kind of drunk, and I'm blogging. That's the best idea ever. I let two people in on the secrets of why my relationship fell apart and why it was the worst thing that ever happened to me (well, it's high in the running) and both of them were like "I had no idea of the extent of the problem, no wonder you fell apart."

I don't want to go to bed because I don't want to do tomorrow.

This song fucking rocks. I hope Muse comes to town again soon.

I'm mixing sleeping pills and booze right now so I'm kind of out of it. And it's hard to type.

I'm sad about how badly my day went today and how it's not likely to get better tomorrow. Or for the rest of the week, or maybe ever. I'm taking this one particularly hard.

Having trouble keeping myself together right now.

Christ, somebody tell my professors that I'm not coming back. I hate school so much. I've not even really attended this semester and it's still torture every time I go.

Wow, I just got really distracted and forgot I was blogging.

I miss you and it's killing me. I still love you even though you actually ruined my life. You and your fucking mental illness that I can't solve. Somebody I was talking to the other day told me that it was my neediness that broke us up and I almost hit her. It wasn't my neediness, it was an unbearable clash of our incompatible mental illnesses. Also, fuck anyone who tries for input on this situation and doesn't actually know what happened.

Please Stop Apologizing To Me, It Makes Me Feel Bad

Current Song: "Wonderwall" -- Oasis

I invited people out with me tonight in case this whole thing blew up in my face, and they bailed, and it did. I was real casual about it but right this second I'm really upset. I am goddamn sick and tired of people apologizing to me for not liking me more. This is the third one in about a month.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Yep, here come the waterworks.

Wearing Shoes With No Socks In Cold Weather

Current Song: "Vampire/Forest Fire" -- Arcade Fire

I went out drinking last night, didn't go to class again this morning, and I've been sitting here in my underwear all day screwing around on Facebook and not doing anything productive. I need to both shower and eat and I'm just not making it happen. I'm going out drinking again tonight, and tomorrow night, because it's a pretty busy week of fucking up for me.

My mother, my father, my psychiatrist and I all decided to not worry about the whole school thing and just focus on not going crazy. I've been extremely excited about that situation which is why I haven't been to class for a full week this entire semester. I feel kind of guilty about it but at the same time, I hardly care at all. These last two classes might be the straw that breaks my college career, and I can't convince myself to care about that either. I'm just pulling for two C-'s. That way I pass and I never have to go to class again if I don't want to.

More people should listen to The Frames and Dogs Die In Hot Cars. I want to talk about how great they are and nobody cares.

And If It Could Start Being Alive, You'd Stop Living Alone

Current Song: "Stay" -- Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

I thought about drinking in my office all day today. I think I might have a problem. But not an uncontrollable problem, since I didn't drink in my office all day, and I had the means and opportunity.

I finally put those rental applications in the mail but they won't go out until tomorrow. I wish I was a slightly more responsible person.

I know we're basically gone from each other's lives now, but some days I'm still crazy about you and miss you like crazy. I hope this gets better, one way or another.

I need someone to call me and tell me they're giving me a job.

Okkervil River is fucking great. I'm listening to "A Stone" and goddamn I just love this song.

"And I think that I know
The bitter dismay
Of a lover who brought fresh bouquets every day
And she turned him away
To remember some knave
Who once gave just one rose, one day, years ago."

And The Number Of The Beast

Current Song: "How Do You?" -- Radiohead

I'm watching Jack and Rexella Van Impe talking about how military robots ("robits") are going to bring the Antichrist into power, and it's pretty great.

I did my laundry and I'm finally filled with less shame. Not so much pride, but less shame.

The most interesting thing that I learned today is that the Jewish month of Elul is actually an acronym for Ani L'dodi V'dodi Li, which is Hebrew for "I am my beloved's and he is mine." I think that's beautiful, don't you? Thanks, Encyclopedia of Jewish Myth, Magic, and Mysticism!

Also, turns out I am the kind of person who both owns the Encyclopedia of Jewish Myth, Magic, and Mysticism and reads it beginning at the A's.

Like Trial By Fire

Current Song: "We've Got Everything" -- Modest Mouse

Pretty sure we found the place we're going to live in. It's the first floor of a duplex in Northeast, very cute neighborhood, very cute house. And it's affordable, and there's free laundry and a porch to chill out on in the summer. It's like it's made for us. Rodrigo said he'd try to find someone to fill my spot in this apartment so that I wouldn't have to put up flyers and whatnot, which is sweet. Now we just have to get through the rental application process and we're in.

I have to do laundry today, it's pretty critical. And I still don't want to. Free laundry in my house will probably solve a lot of my problems.

I'm hungry and I'm thinking of hopping down to that Asian restaurant downstairs and buying some egg rolls and some pad thai. They have good food down there, finally.

I should check on my homework situation for this week, I guess. I'm so over being in school, I can't make myself care if I pass my classes or not.

Waffling Between Fidgety And Lazy

Current Song: "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life" -- I don't know who sings it.

I need to take a shower and Robby's in there right now.

I went out last night with some kids and spent the whole night getting hit on by a drunk named Pete. On the plus side, I didn't have to pay for any of my drinks. I woke up with a headache this morning for the first time in a long time. Also, some people I know are far too graphic about their vomiting.

I'm going to check out an apartment in an hour or so that I hope is nice enough that we can just take it and stop looking. I have enough to worry about without having someplace to go. I'm so close to getting out of here I can taste it, and it's delicious.

Ah, I'm all in a muddle.

I Ain't Got The Time

Current Song: "Rehab" -- Amy Winehouse

I've had a headache for days and days.

Right this second, I don't really care if I never see you again.

I wish we'd found an apartment already so I could stop worrying and start packing.

I checked out on this week pretty early, now that I think about it.

Tired Of The Same Old Choices?

Current Song: "Apples & Oranges" -- Dogs Die In Hot Cars

I'm already tired of looking for apartments and jobs. My skin itches and I'm thirsty. It never stops being cold in here and I'm pretty goddamn tired of April. On the plus side, I finally got some damn sleeping pills.

Despite all the whining, things are still going good. Really good, comparatively.

Hahahaha, boner.

Saxophone Solos Are So 1980s

Current Song: "Laura" -- Scissor Sisters

I was out til bar close last night with Parker and some other people at Karaoke Night. I wasn't gonna go, wasn't gonna go, wasn't gonna go...went. Had a blast. On the downside, today I had to work and then I had a job interview, and my voice is still wrecked. It's ok, though, the interview went pretty well and if they offer me that job I'm going to take it. Seems like a good time.

I'm headed to Bar Trivia tonight so I guess I should check my bank account and see how much damage I can do, especially after last time. Man, I am just having a good couple of weeks. Let's keep this momentum up, shall we?

A Waffle Machine?

Current Song: "Machinehead" -- Bush

For some reason my front teeth are really sensitive right now.

I may or may not be going out tonight? It's up in the air, so I'm unwilling to go get prettified, because if I end up not going it's just that much more disappointing.

I have a job interview tomorrow, I should look into the details of that. Also, I should not stay out late tonight. These are the messages I will probably look back on with regret tomorrow.

Right now I'm flipping through Last.fm listening to music that reminds me of high school. It's a pretty good time, I'd recommend it to a friend.

And I Am No Horseman

Current Song: "The Men Are Called Horsemen There" -- Sunset Rubdown

I need more than two girls who can play wingman when I'm trying to get something going. Everyone has plans tonight and that's not working out for me. I should meet more people.

Who Wouldn't Be Happy On A Day Like Today?

Current Song: "The Mind Of God" -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

I'm marginally concerned that this whole thing has grown to include a sinus infection. Wouldn't be the first time.

I have to go to class today. I wonder how I'm doing in those classes. Not that well, would be my guess. I don't care.

Dear May: Get here faster, I can't hold on.

P.S. Despite what it sounds like, things are going well this week.

Fitzcarraldo Is A Fucking Amazing Album

Current Song: "Who Is Watching?" -- Armin Van Buuren feat. Nadia Ali

Looking for apartments and jobs gets pretty discouraging pretty quickly.

I very desperately don't want to go back to class tomorrow/ever.

I thought the coughing was getting better but apparently not.

I watched this show "Dexter" tonight at Chad's. Apparently everyone's all into it but I thought the dialogue was wretched and the characters (or maybe the actors) are 100% charisma-free.

I impulse-bought a ticket to Lollapalooza today, so god knows how that's going to play out. I've got to get a handle on that. Still, Radiohead is headlining.

Once I Wrote To Go-Gurt And Complained That Their Commercials Discounted The Importance Of Arts Education (Seriously)

Current Song: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" -- Wham!

Who was I just discussing Wham! with?

I wish the coughing would stop, I'm so tired of it. Everything on the E! Entertainment Channel is awful right now. My nose is runny for no apparent reason. I have DVDs to watch and I just can't make it happen. You should cheer up before I stop caring. I can't stop bitching about how hot it is in here. I wish I was a bicycle kid. I wish I lived in a destination apartment. I hate people who remind me of you even when I've never met them. I keep forgetting that I've taken a shower. I want to leave all my laundry behind when I move. I just want to start my moving life now and leave my waiting life behind. I hope big things happen this week. I hate Sundays.

Just Can't Seem To Get It Right Today

Current Song: "New Born" -- Muse

I thought this song was pretty mediocre until I heard it live and then, wow. Wow.

I ran out of sleeping pills a few days ago and my ability to sleep has entirely disappeared. I've been taking handfuls of Ativan to knock myself out for a couple hours just to pretend I'm getting some sort of rest, but really, I haven't slept in days and days. All the bed rest I've been getting doesn't help.

My dad is in town and he's going to try to make it to Bar Trivia on Wednesday with me and the kids. I can see this being the biggest disaster ever in a way that makes me keep my fingers crossed that it will happen. It's like seeing the big picture, like knowing that if you throw a pebble in a pond it will result in caving in a mountain. I can't NOT do it. On the other hand, it could be horribly, horribly awkward. That would be awesome too.

I wish it was tomorrow, I'm bored with tonight. Yesterday was the date of the biggest current stressor in my life, and now that I'm past it I don't know what to do with myself. Except look for apartments and giggle to myself about how awesome life is going to be from June onward.

Now that I have something to look forward to it's a little bit harder to care about anything else. Which is nice, for a change.

It's Just Common Sense

Current Song: "Lethal Enforcer" -- We Are Scientists

This album is more pop-heavy than the last one, but still, every time I hear We Are Scientists I think "Hey, this kind of rocks." And I'm always right.

Last night the answer to a lot of my problems dropped rather abruptly into my lap at 1 AM. Being the naturally distrusting person that I am, I am not totally banking on this, but if it all works out, my favorite person I ever lived with and I will be roommating it up in some cute place in some trendy neighborhood in Minneapolis come June. If this works out, it's the best thing that's happened to me in a while. This is the roommate that all other roommates have compared to and failed. And then I don't have to live alone and be depressed. Which might be awesome.

Big hockey game on today - strategically I think we're planning to lose. Not throw the game, just play the scrubs. We're trying to avoid a much worse opponent later on in the playoffs. You don't care, but for me, HOCKEY.

Goddamn, We Are Scientists kind of rocks.

You Already Know How It Ends

Current Song: "No Cars Go" -- Arcade Fire

I'm so bored it makes me angry.

I've just been reminded of the rapturousness that is DeVotchKa. "How It Ends" is such a great album. I have a ticket (1) to see them when they come to First Ave. I figured DeVotchKa is just the kind of show I can enjoy by myself. Plus nobody else I know gets it.

Jayme made me a CD the other day, mostly of all the Muse I lost, and it's an endless battle of wits with my crappy computer to try to transfer all the tracks to the drive.

Laryngitis makes me miss London in the worst way. Is that fucked up? I think it might be.

Also, according to WebMD, I need to go to the doctor reeeeeeeeeal soon.

You, Lieutenant Weinberg?

Current Song: I can't identify it, it's just a series of chords.

I have full-blown laryngitis, at the least. I was weird, I sneezed and instead of the whole "Achoo" I just got like white noise. The whole process is fascinating, I kind of want to see how far it's going to go. I woke up sick on Tuesday and I've been going steadily downhill.

I have a fever and I'm restless and I'm lonely and I can't talk to anyone because, as I may have mentioned, I can't talk at all.

And nobody will come over here to help me, even people that really ought to, and that makes it hard to keep being me.

The Future's Not Ours To See

Current Song: "Que Sera Sera" -- Doris Day

I have developed pretty much full-on laryngitis. I postponed my job interview today because it is a phone interview and I'm pretty sure that's not going to work out. I also have to call Therese at noon and prove that I genuinely can't speak, which shouldn't be too hard, since this shit just got real.

I'm constantly waffling between being too warm or too cold and it's very uncomfortable all the time. God, just let this phone call get over with. I can't stand the pressure.

Girls Gone Wild Is Repetitive

Current Song: "Girl In Port" -- Okkervil River

I coughed so hard this morning I almost threw up. I didn't realize how horribly loud that incident was until Rodrigo brought it up. How embarrassing.

My throat feels like it is filled with broken glass and every time I cough it all shifts around. This is just about as painful as it sounds.

My voice is shot right through and I'm still on the schedule for that presentation. In sum, I'm in Hell.

Also, the new episode of South Park comes down hard against the WGA strike and basically calls all the strikers idiots who had too much pride to back down. I usually don't mind when South Park slides their Libertarian views into the show, but this episode is not even funny. It just reads as really bitter. Although at some point Tay Zonday gets killed and that's a little bit funny.

I've got a lot of balls in the air right now and all, ALL I want to do is fall asleep until Monday. I can't do this anymore, it's too much. If you heard me try to talk, you'd agree.

She Ain't Coming Back Again

Current Song: "Westfall" -- Okkervil River

I have experienced this exact pain before. It turned into laryngitis which turned into pneumonia. I've got my fingers crossed for losing my voice by Saturday but goddamn is this an unpleasant way to avoid something horrible.

I'm A Well-Wisher, In That I Don't Wish You Any Specific Harm

Current Song: "Westfall" -- Okkervil River

I can't get out of presenting that paper and I've got the terror. I've got the terror hard. I'm still sick so I'm hoping I have a lung collapse or something before Saturday.

I'm going to cough all over bar trivia tonight. I hope it's fun enough to distract me from all the things on my plate.

My headache finally went away but my throat still hurts and the coughing, the endless coughing. I have to go to class tomorrow to take a test and that's not going to go well since I pretty much haven't gotten to class since the last test. And I spazzed out on the whole last-test thing because I was supposed to email my professor to find out how I did, and then I kinda forgot, and then it was far too embarrassingly late. So I actually have no gauge at all on how that class is going.

Susan's door is closed but her window is open and it constantly sounds like someone is either coming or going and I think it'll be the thing that finally breaks me.

Somebody give me a job, so I can get an apartment, so I can get on with my life.

*Special Note: this is post #500. Neat.

There Is No Mercy For The Weak

Current Song: "Dog On Fire" -- The Daily Show

Oh my God, I woke up sick this morning and it's all been downhill from there. It feels quite a bit like my throat is filled with pebbles and when I cough it feels like they've broken holes through my trachea and filled my life with misery. I have to go in to work tomorrow at least long enough to convince Therese that I'm far too sick to present that paper on Saturday.

Oh God, coughing is so painful. I have a headache behind my right eye and I'm the warmest I've ever been. I desperately wish someone would either come over here and kill me or come over here and do my laundry. Or both, you know, whatever.

My throat, my throat, oh God my life.

This Has Gotten Sad

Current Song: "Everybody's Changing" -- Keane

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, a nasty cough, and a fever. I have a theory that I'm so scared to present this paper on Saturday that my immune system is throwing me a bone and letting everything in. I can't present if I have uncontrollable coughing spasms or laryngitis!

I had a long conversation [EDIT: too emo.]

My throat hurts and all the delicious food I have is not easily eaten in this situation. I had some Cream of Wheat for breakfast but it's just not enough, and everything else I have is like tacos, or steak. Delicious but not good for sick folk.

John Oliver is my favorite correspondent on the Daily Show.

You're What Happens When Two Substances Collide

Current Song: "Red Right Hand" -- Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

I purchased mp3s with actual money today for the first time ever. *Note to federal law enforcement: that is not a confession or an implication that I have been involved in any crime, file-sharing-related or not.* I bought this song and "Carry On My Wayward Son" by Kansas because I dredged them up today from the bowels of my memory and I needed them so much I paid for them. Actually I spent most of the day mired in this prog rock thing where I couldn't stop listening to Kansas and Journey and Genesis and all that.

I was reasonably happy all day until I talked to you. I can't keep talking to you, looking at you, wondering where you are, thinking about you at all. I'm so unhappy all the time and it just surrounds you. I know you are going to leave, but please, for my sake, just go. Please just go, please just go.

I have big plans for fun this week: Bar Trivia on Wednesday and then the Vampire Weekend concert on Thursday. I'm looking forward to those because Friday I'll be home all night crying and shaking and then Saturday I'll be giving that presentation. It makes me sick to think about it. I've been having chest pains since Saturday about it. I'm all off-kilter, my balances are running high or low or hot or cold, which makes me extra-sensitive to even the least worst thing that you say. Public speaking effectively ruined my life last summer when I took that class and then lost my shit to such a degree that I had to be medicated and narrowly missed being removed from school for my own health. I really, really need to get away from things like this presentation that I can't avoid. People who don't understand have been telling me laughably ridiculous things like "picture everyone in their underwear" or "what's the worst that could happen?" Frankly, the worst that could happen is that I could actually die from a serious panic attack. So fuck you, everyone except Charlie who is the only one who said anything at all helpful. I don't trust that there are tranquilizers in the world that are strong enough to make this a good decision. Still, it's already on my resume so now I have to go.

Oh god, my heart is doing that thing again.