There's No Polite Way To Put This

Current Song: "Faust Arp" -- Radiohead

I pretty much don't have any food and the groceries I ordered for delivery won't be here until tomorrow evening. This equals problem. I may have to order pizza or something. Not a good budget choice, but I'm not leaving the house right now.

I meant to do the whole kitty-litter thing today but it just didn't work out. Tomorrow, maybe. I emptied the dish rack and did a couple more dishes, so that's good news.

It's hard to blog about shit when you don't go anywhere or talk to anyone. Sorry. That's crippling mental illness for you. That reminds me, I am meeting with my case management team for the first time on Tuesday, so expect a nice post about either a) how excited I am to be getting useful human services that might help now that I've become kind of a broken shell of a productive person, or b)angry rants about the uselessness of underfunded, overworked human service agencies. Enjoy.

Also, I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but if you are one of the three people or so that reads this page, please don't bombard me with statements that you are worried about me. This kind of behavior makes my life a thousand times worse, believe me. I know you're worried about me, but I'm doing the best I can, so please just try to be supportive. Thanks much.

They'll Never Let You Go

Current Song: "Apart" -- Choir Of Young Believers

I had a relatively productive day: I took a shower, I picked up the packaging from the living room (except the cardboard) and threw it out, AND I sorted the mail on the little table and threw out the junk. I paid all my credit card bills (late, but still, they got paid.) I updated my Fave5 plan to Meredith's new number. I researched how to apply for Social Security benefits (looks like I'll have to ask my case managers, since you can only apply for certain things online.) I did a couple of dishes. And I snuggled with my cats and managed to not take a nap OR sleep past 10:30 in the morning. A seriously banner day in the miserably contracted manner of my daily living skills.

Something that sounds like a motorcycle motor has been running quietly outside for hours and it confuses and terrifies me.

I was reading plot summaries of "Supernatural horror movies" on Wikipedia and now I need to watch Constantine again.

Also, to my roommate and to roommates everywhere in similar predicaments: I was forced out of sheer necessity to steal one of your frozen meals and eat it. I'm sorry. I will replace it when I get around to buying some food, of which I currently have none.

And Saw That All Around Was Just A Wall Of Sound

Current Song: "Wake Up" -- Arcade Fire

I find I'm too tired or overwhelmed to make regular long entries in this thing, but I'm trying.

Highlight of Thanksgiving in Duluth with Lila, Lewis, Hannah, Robin, and Solveig: the impromptu fancy-napkin-folding contest in which you could not use your hands. It was Lew and Hannah and I folding napkins (in a specific pattern) with our mouths, chins, tongues, faces, etc. I KICKED ASS AT IT. Apparently I have a latent face-folding talent. I'm very proud.

Harry pooped in my doorway and then, embarrassed, desperately tried to cover it up with kitty litter that didn't exist. So he was just scratching at the floor in a panic and hoping I wouldn't notice. I wasn't even mad because it was so cute. He's such a fancy-pants boy and he made such a faux pas, I figured the blow to his ego was punishment enough.

Mental illness = not fun. And I'm not doing that great, but I'm still okay.

Men Are Disgusting And We Have Proof

Current Song: "Stumble Then Rise On Some Awkward Morning" -- A Silver Mt. Zion

I just returned from the Calexico show at the Fine Line, where I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while and got a bit of news that made me feel powerful. Anyway, the Fine Line sucks as a venue. And the opening band The Acorn were kind of annoying. And Joey Burns was a little off-key and did a terrible spoken-word piece. Shatner, yes; every other person in the world including Joey Burns, no. But Meredith got to talk to/touch him so that was cool. I was off on a caper and missed my chance, but whatev. I met Cheech Marin once, so I'm all set.

I hate it when people ask me what I'm up to these days because all of my answers are horrible and depressing.

On a final note, there was a girl standing in front of us at Calexico that had a VERY unfortunate face. She was not fat but the backless/sleeveless shirt she chose to wear (braless, which was not the right choice) highlight her pudgy upper arms, and she was wearing mom pants and slipped her arms through the handles of her purse and wore it as a backpack. Sad face. Anyway, the best part was that she was one of these white girls that jumped on the salsa-dancing bandwagon, and she was showing off her moves. By which I mean she was definitely dancing to music other than what was being played, because nobody's rhythm is that off, right? And she kept moving her arms and hands around like she was dancing to Indian music. And doing salsa steps by herself. And she had a butch haircut that belonged on somebody's mom. We couldn't see the band from where we ended up standing so we watched her embarrass herself all night and that was actually a better show.

Douche Is French For Shower

Current Song: That one by Springsteen where everyone thinks the words are "Wrapped up like a douche/Another runner in the night..." I have no idea what the real words are.

Guys, I finally came home after two weeks in the mental ward. Not exactly a fun way to spend your time, but when your Real Life is unbearable, it's pretty relaxing to give up and let someone else worry about it for a while. This was definitely the best of my stays in Psychiatric Lockup (this was Stay #3).

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better and I am being hooked with things like a Case Manager who will help me with my back utility bills and continuing to pay my rent while I'm out of a job (literally everyone agrees that I should not try to go back to full-time work right now.) So things are looking up.

Also while I was at the hospital I convinced them to treat my chronic hip pain, which they did, and it was fabulous.

good news/bad news

i got an interview for a research position with the mn court system but it's with an "interview panel" and that fills me with terror.

USA USA USA

We clearly did it. I think this is the first time in my life that I have believed in this country.

this has no title.

Guys, I'm in trouble on this depression thing.

Swinging His Arms

Current Song: "Plus Ones" -- Okkervil River

What if I just don't care anymore?

BWONNNNNNNNNNNGGGG

Current Song: "Jailhouse Rock" -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

This is a heartbreaking song about childhood sexual abuse, not so much an Elvis cover.

This has been such a horrible shit weekend and I miss my little baby kitty.

I'm supposed to be working on CDC stuff but mostly I've been lying down or eating. Or both. Or making unbelievably disgusting off-color jokes and coming up with disturbing euphemisms for sex, because I cope with things by making other people laugh. In this case, Meredith. (Favorite euphemism: "letting the redskins invade your fertile river valley.")

Meredith brought me an absolutely stunning REAL cameo from Bisbee, AZ. It's maybe the nicest piece of jewelry I have. Certainly the nicest in my cameo sub-collection.

Guys, I think I might be depressed. Probably having to stop taking my anti-depressants because they are unaffordable is factoring into that.

Little Smalls, aka Diana, aka Babygirl, aka The Littlest Kitty

We're putting our girl cat down tomorrow. I hate this emotion shit.