Sunday, March 30, 2008

Nothing Lasts Forever But The Earth And Sky

Current Song: "Shine A Light" -- Wolf Parade

I love running across songs in my queue that I haven't heard in a while. This is just such a great listening experience, and fun to sing along with.

I spent the entire day either sleeping, eating, watching the Simpsons (while intermittently sleeping) or applying for this amazing job that I really, really want. The job is as a Development Research Associate for the UMN Foundation. It's basically a lot of data management and secret dossier writing. Plus the pay and benefits are unbelievable, at least to me. Lila told me that if this was my first job out of college, she'd probably kill me. Her first job out of college was working part-time at a crooked retail store that she had to shut down every time she had to go to the bathroom. I emailed my mom my resume and cover letter and she said that I should have a really good chance. I am chronically attacked by fear and self-doubt about my ability to handle any skilled employment at all (low self-image about my capability, apparently) so I constantly think I am not qualified for jobs and mostly don't apply for jobs I want because I'm convinced I can't get them. So I'm relying on my mother's perspective (which, admittedly, might be a little skewed) as to how qualified I am for that particular job.

On the upside of constant self-doubt, I've fallen into the habit of taking every opportunity I can to build my resume. This has landed me in internships, volunteer jobs, paid jobs, travel, classes, and more. (It's why I'm presenting that paper we published to that research forum even though I've been clinically diagnosed with serious panic attacks related to a phobia of public speaking.) I'm always looking for the perfect combination of skills and experience that will allow me to be truly happy. It's an ambitious project, but God knows I am an ambitious person.

Anyway, I'm running a little high on the stress meter right now because I always am after I apply for something I really want and have to enter the waiting game. does not speak to my strengths.

I Can't Find My Sweatpants And I've Got Relaxing To Do

Current Song: After the party there's the afterparty, and after the party there's the hotel lobby...

Well, that ought to shake things up. I can't wait to get away from this whole hornet's nest. Wish I was fleeing the country for it, though.

I'm Packed And I'm Holding

Current Song: "Semi-Charmed Life" -- Third Eye Blind

I have been having this experience lately where I'm drunker than I think I am, which is why I ended up walking home from Uptown that one night. For instance, right now I think I just started a fight with somebody because I texted them to see if they were fucking some girl in the front seat of a Lexus, just to give them a heads up that everyone could see them. Turned out they were sleeping, so, whoops. Still, wtf those kids in the Lexus? Also, there were two people in an extremely intimate embrace in the lobby of my apartment and me and the guy that came in behind me (who also saw the Lexus) could not stop laughing about it. What is going on tonight? I don't even know.

Also, you know it's a weird night when you have to convince your friend not to throw up in the cab, and then you go eat burritos. Also, if you want the shortest ride to anywhere, tell the cab driver you're going to throw up. I swear we got two miles in like 30 seconds.

Anyway, I spent the night at this horrible bar with a loud and not very good bar band watching some people I love get really shitcanned. I managed to keep a handle on it but I slowly grew to hate everyone in the bar until I just about freaked out and jumped through the window. It was not the most fun I ever had. Also, why can't I just get drunk anymore? Why do I always feel fine and then do stupid shit? It's like the worst possible outcome for these nights.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I've Never Seen Sixteen Candles

Current Song: "Jailhouse Rock" -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

I got home at 9 AM and slept until about 1. Then I made a huge lunch and just kept eating until it was gone. Now I've been laying in bed for several hours reading a book and watching VH1's Top 100 Teen Stars. I told Jayme this morning that I probably wasn't going to get anything productive done today, and I was apparently right.

I just talked to Charlie for an hour. He said if he was here he would present that paper at that conference for me so I wouldn't have to be scared. I miss Charlie all the time.

I've heard rumors about going out tonight and they are as yet unconfirmed. I think I would have to go just to mend some bridges, even though I'm tired and don't really want to.

Also, I'm starting shit via text message right now. It's what I'm best at.

Even Though I'm Up Early I'm Pretty Sure I'm Not Going To Be Productive Today

Current Song: "Miss Murder" -- AFI

I got the news I was waiting for, which wasn't good. I got rejected for a program to live in the Middle East for two months to study Arabic, all expenses paid. I'm sad, but at least I know where I'm going to be now. Did I already write about this? I have a haunting feeling I did.

I have a lot of reasons to spend time a) out of my house, and b) drinking to forget, so last night I indulged myself in both of them and got drunk with Jayme while watching March Madness basketball. I don't care for basketball but put me in front of a sport I remotely understand and I can find things to be interested in. For instance, the horrible slaughter of the first half of the Memphis/Michigan State game. That was good watching.

Apparently some of my secrets have gotten out into the ether, which kind of concerns me. Also, I'm pretty sure that I'm not supposed to know that other people know. Friendly drama, is there anything that makes you feel more alive?

If you can keep not fucking this up for a couple more months, I really think we're going to come out of this thing alive. On the other hand, knowing you as well as I do, I'm pretty sure you're not going to make the deadline.

Friday, March 28, 2008

You Will Spend The Next 10 Years Working Out The Last Six Months

Current Song: "Jailhouse Rock" -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

I got notified this morning that I was NOT accepted to the Critical Language Scholarship program and I will NOT be spending two months of my summer in the Middle East or North Africa learning Arabic. I am truly sad that I am missing this opportunity, but on the other hand, now I know what timeline I'm on for getting a job and moving out of this apartment, which is kind of a relief. The job hunt begins; any help you can give would be much appreciated.

Still, this is a sad way to start a day.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I'll Be So Sweet To You

Current Song: "Marry Me" -- St. Vincent

I'm suddenly so tired I can barely move. It might be related to the goddamn eight tacos I just ate. Those were some delicious tacos, I just couldn't stop eating them.

I have a paper due tomorrow that is one of those ones I was supposed to be working on for about four weeks and I wrote it in three hours tonight. I'm only aiming to pass that class, not ace it, so the paper's pretty mediocre. Also, when I stop caring about what I'm writing, I apparently start using words like "morning ablutions" and "communiques". It was gross but I thought it was hilarious so I left them in. I might get marked down, my professor has no grasp of the concept of humor.

I have this huge pile of data I need to start analyzing for Casa de Esperanza and I haven't started working on it yet. I don't have a deadline but God knows I'm a research kid so I'm just looking forward to it for fun. I'll probably end up working on it at times I'm trying to get away from homework or I'm unable to find a way to escape your unbearable presence/absence.

Christ I'm tired. I'm too tired to shower, I'm just going to bed.

The Sea Would Electrocute The Sun

Current Song: "Chocolate Rain" -- Tay Zonday

This song has been stuck in my head for two days.

I woke up with a very minor hangover, which is really good news. I try not to go out on weeknights because the last time I did I was 3 and a half hours late for work the next day because I couldn't stop vomiting. So this one was pretty successful.

I hate the way my skin soaks up ink. Every time I go to a bar I end up with marks on my hand for days and days afterward, no matter how much I scrub.

The burn on my hand is getting better but the burn on my arm only gets worse. Now it's puckered and angry. Just another scar to add to the catalogue, I guess. I can never commit a felony, I have too many defining characteristics to get away with it.

I finally got my stuff from Casa de Esperanza yesterday so I can start analyzing their data. When I wrote my resume the other day for that financial counseling job I somehow forgot to list the CdE at all. I guess I'll write it in before I apply to the next one.

I'm supposed to get news sometime this week and it's making me insane that I haven't heard yet. I hate it when people push the deadline.

If I Go There Will Be Trouble

Current Song: "Don't Stop Believin'" -- Journey

I actually got up and sang karaoke tonight. I was out with Nikki and we ran into this kid that is absolutely the cutest boy ever even though he's like five-foot-four. He and his friend were there for karaoke night so we got up and sang "I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow" and "Semi-Charmed Life". It was a great, great time, even though Nikki bailed and drove home drunk against all advice to the contrary. I had a blast, though. Just the thing I needed to get over all the rejection I've been getting lately.

It's nearly 1:30 in the morning and I have to go to work tomorrow. And I've been drinking vodka tonics all night. This probably won't end well.

Also, and I may have mentioned this before, your best friend is a bitch.

Monday, March 24, 2008

There's A Shopping Cart In The Ravine

Current Song: "Light Up My Room" -- Barenaked Ladies

Ok, I am officially OFFICIALLY out of dating prospects. I got the boot from the last one tonight. I wasn't emotionally invested at all, not like with the last one, so I'm more just kind of pissed that I have to get back out there and keep looking. It's so tedious.

On the plus side, compared to a year ago I'm doing an amazing job of putting myself out there. It helps that I'm mad at you all the time and it's hard to love someone you hate so much. It frees me up to consider other people. Also, all the Prozac helps.

Someone actually flirted with me the other day and I had to catch myself from being surprised. I've spent so long being down on myself that it's a little hard to believe that other people find me acceptable. Personally, I think I'm looking pretty good these days. My track record of rejection (that's two in one week) would lead you to believe otherwise, but you haven't seen the lowlifes I've been working with.

Bah, in the end I'm sure it will be alright. I'm on the right road, I just have to keep driving.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Baby, There's Nothing I Wouldn't Do

Current Song: "All My Stars Aligned" -- St. Vincent

I ate so much delicious food at a house with puppies who fell in love with me enough to make other people jealous. Their owners were impressed and Lila and Hudson kept asking me how I did it. I think it's just that I love dogs so much they have to love me back. One of the hosts, Cheryl, was insistent that I should get a Jack Russell terrier because I love to play with dogs and they love to play with me. It just reminded me how much I want to move out of this apartment, where I have nothing that is excited to see me come home every day.

The skin on my face has been sensitive, red and itchy for several days. It's driving me crazy and it's leading to somehow even more adult acne. I've given up hope that one day my hormones will resolve themselves into getting rid of the acne. I think it would have happened already, if it were going to happen.

It's early and I still feel like going to bed. I took an Ativan before I went to Easter dinner, and then I had a couple glasses of wine, and I think the combination is dropping me.

I Find It So Hard To Be True

Current Song: "A Fond Farewell" -- Elliott Smith

This song makes me sad. Why, Elliott Smith?

It's Easter Sunday and I'm spending it with a family of complete strangers that, from what I hear, don't get along terribly well. I'm excited about food but I'm not so thrilled about the forced social interaction. Also there will be a million kitties and puppies there which would be nice if I didn't have these damn allergies.

I'm wearing contacts for the first time in a long time and I'd forgotten how they make my eyes feel both dry and burning at the same time.

I've been obsessively listening to The Frames lately and I highly, highly recommend "True" and "Fitzcarraldo," as well as the original version of that song "Falling Slowly" from Once. The one that won the Oscar. I have a huge crush on Glen Hansard.

I really just want to spend the day playing video games, now that I've got the Wii back, but no, it's a holiday, so I have to spend it with people. I think I've fallen back into my incredibly bad isolation habit. Not a healthy choice.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

I Had The Sun On My Shoes

Current Song: "A Day In The Graveyard II" -- Sunset Rubdown

I'm waiting for notification on the course of the next step in my life and it's very frustrating. I want to move out of this apartment and I can't until I hear one way or the other where I'm going to be. I want to start applying for jobs and I can't until I hear one way or the other where I'm going to be. I want to get away from you and your petty faults and your major faults, and I can't. Probably whether the news is good or bad. I need to get away from you and you're everywhere. Even in Vegas I was still thinking about you.

Friday, March 21, 2008

How Have I Listened To This 98 Times?

Current Song: "Paranoid Android" -- Radiohead

I horribly burnt the top of my right arm, just below the wrist, when I reached into the oven to remove my blueberry muffins and grossly misjudged where the rack was in relation to the burning hot oven top. So now I've got one of those long, ugly, blistery type burns and I'm pissed.

I found two posters advertising the campaign of Harvey Dent at a bus stop today, so I took them. If you don't immediately recognize the name Harvey Dent, you and I have nothing in common.

I could really use a whirlpool or some sort of Jacuzzi right now. My tiny little bathtub needs a cleaning and doesn't have a stopper. Plus, as I mentioned, it's a bit small. I need something in which I can really stretch out.

Thom Yorke's singing keeps me alive.

I know I begged you not to leave me, but if you want to, you probably should. This thing has gotten unhealthy for both of us and I don't want to see you anymore.

You Look Just Like My Father

Current Song: Some song in the MacBook Air commercial. Sounds like it's by Regina Spektor?

I manned up and crossed the street to get some burritos, with which I proceeded to stuff my feelings. Now I have heartburn. So today's been win/win.

I took the direct approach with the last person left in my dating life that didn't need a swift kick in the face. He unfortunately took the direct approach with me as well, so it's back to single-with-no-prospects for me. At least I know this terrain.

When I get depressed it's not so much that I want to die or wish I'd never been born as it's that I want to obliterate myself and the memory of myself from the earth one piece at a time. So I always get the urge to, say, shave my head, cancel all my email/social networking accounts, stop speaking and buy a bus ticket to nowhere. It's why I so often find myself traveling without having told anyone I was leaving. I'm trying to run away from my own existence.

I don't think I can wait anymore, I need decisions now.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Drop The Pin, Throw The Grenade

Current Song: "Long Day" -- Matchbox 20

Why is this song always in my head?

I don't have any food and I'm too depressed to get dressed and go find some.

I've officially hit a dead end.

Jesus Christ, why is it still March?

Why Would You Talk To Me That Way?

Current Song: "Oxford Comma" -- Vampire Weekend

Vegas was the best couple thousand dollars I ever spent. The MGM Grand Spa is so good I could have cried. Also I won several hundred dollars but then I spent it on more gambling. I won enough to get comped a free buffet, a t-shirt (which I am wearing as we speak) and $25 in free slot play. It was a pretty good haul for only three days.

My grandma and her boyfriend are real sassy for seniors.

I've spent the day figuring out why everyone involved in my love life is a failure. I didn't mean to spend my day like this, it just sort of came up in conversation. One of them is a genuinely bad person who is incapable of empathy or complex feelings about someone other than himself, one of them is a stupid fuck-up who screwed up a gift really, really badly, and one of them just got notified that I am actually interested so I can stop sending signals that are horribly misinterpreted. So, here's hoping this net is wide enough to catch some of those other fishes in the sea.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Reach Down Your Hand In Your Pocket

Current Song: "Long Day" -- Matchbox 20

Actually, the song "Walcott" by Vampire Weekend was what I was singing obsessively, but Long Day rounded it out.

So I find myself in downtown Minneapolis at 4 AM talking to a gentleman named T who wanted me to come up to his place and warm myself up with a cocktail. I politely declined. I was walking home from Leslie's to my place, which is just about five miles, probably a bit more as I didn't know where I was going and took some wrong turns. I could have slept at Leslie's and come home in the morning but I slept on a tiny couch last night and I got obsessed with the desire to sleep in my own bed. I left her place at 3:20 AM and got to mine almost exactly 2 hours later. It didn't seem that cold outside at first but my legs were definitely freezing when I got home.

It's 5:30 in the morning, I'm going to Vegas in a matter of hours, and I really need to get some sleep.

I love you, everyone. You're making my life worth living.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Built To Last

Current Song: "Blame It On The Tetons" -- Modest Mouse

I spent last night sleeping on a loveseat that was only about half as long as I am, with my legs up over the armrest. So now I'm kind of tired. I'm going to nap for a couple hours and then go to another party. This weekend rules.

I'm starved and I don't have any food. I sincerely hate when that happens.

I have things to say, somewhere. I'll let you know if they come back.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Feels So Unnatural, Peter Gabriel Too

Current Song: "A-Punk" -- Vampire Weekend

I'm abandoning any sense of responsibility starting when Leslie and Jayme pick me up tonight and ending sometime around the 24th of March. Thank God for Spring Break, I guess. Rodrigo told me to try not to commit too many sins in Vegas, which I thought was pretty cute.

The glands in my neck have not reduced in swelling and now my voice is hoarse and my throat kind of hurts. I'm going to ignore this for as long as I can.

I have confirmed a partner in crime for the Vampire Weekend show that isn't you. See, I don't have to spend all my time waiting around for you to throw me a goddamn bone.

I got my hair done yesterday (cut and colored) and it cost me approximately a million dollars. Let's just say I tipped my stylist $15.00 and that was kind of shorting him. On the plus side, my hair is way cute right now. After he did the initial cut, my stylist looked at me and said "Okay, I'm going to de-mom-ify this now" and I was like "Yes, please." So now it's a bit shorter in the back, with choppy layers here and there, asymmetrical bangs, and good bed-head look. Plus it's blue-black. Awesome.

I have a headache again, probably from physical therapy earlier. I took some Tylenol, I hope it helps. It's always a gamble with Tylenol.

Speaking of gambling, I so want to be out and about right now. Where are you, Leslie and Jayme?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

When All These Storms Have Passed And Done

Current Song: "Fitzcarraldo" -- The Frames

I'm listening to The Frames and holding back tears. It's always about the same thing. I need to get away from this, my problems never change, they just get worse. One day when my heart can't take the strain anymore it really will break and maybe then you'll see me instead of looking past me again and again. Why did I ever meet you? It was my first taste of real happiness and it hurts that much more that you keep ripping it away, seam by seam, over and over, patching it and ripping it again so that the sutures aren't enough to keep my skin together.

Holding back tears: failed.

I tried to give you a chance at happiness, you didn't believe you were worth it.

We Suck Each Other's Faces And Remember To Look Bored

Current Song: "Song For Clay (Disappear Here)" -- Bloc Party

I ended up staying up late playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl on the Wii with Robby. I'd never played before so I got my ass served to me family-style, but it was still fun.

I never can tell anymore if it's hot where I am or if I'm having hot flashes. If this is early menopause, I wish it would just come get me.

I so don't want to go to class ever again. I'm a little worried because I actually don't remember the last time I went to class. I can't pinpoint it. It possibly was last Tuesday? I don't know, that week or so I had the flu made all of my recent memories pretty hazy.

I am waiting on news and I wish it would come already, good or bad. I'm not good at waiting.

Also, every time I think about having to present that paper at that conference, I am absolutely filled with terror. I'll probably present it, go home immediately, and cry for the rest of the day. It's a Saturday, I can lose that time to crying.

My head has hurt for so long now I'm getting used to it.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Set My Body Free

Current Song: "My Body Is A Cage" -- Arcade Fire

I woke up this morning sore in about six different ways. I keep trying to overexert myself when I'm still at the stage where I should be in bed most of the day. Today I'll be living on ibuprofen and water, I guess.

I am tired of this whole thing. I hope the warm weather stays, springtime always changes my life.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What Are You Holding On For?

Current Song: "Fourteen Autumns and Fifteen Winters" -- The Twilight Sad

Nobody is cooperating with me today and it's pissing me off.

I skipped my classes this morning in order to rest/make my physical therapy appointment. Then I missed my bus so I had to walk to PT, which took energy I didn't have. So the first ten minutes of my appointment or so my therapist just let me lie down with my eyes closed and the lights off. He's the best. Unfortunately, lying in bed from Wednesday to Sunday was a big setback in terms of my neck and shoulder injuries, so I have to keep going to PT. Not that I mind that much, actually. It costs me five bucks to get a massage from an adorable therapist. I can afford that.

On the downside, the aftermath of physical therapy always means I'm in pain for the rest of the day. Boo.

I dragged myself to that House of Reps meeting. It wasn't as boring or as long as I expected it to be. I'll write that paper tomorrow night and then I HAVE to go to classes on Thursday, I think I've been gone for quite a while. I so want out of school.

It's only 10:30 and I'm thinking of going to bed. I guess I need the rest, anyway.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Let Us Break Their Bonds Asunder

Current Song: "How Beautiful Are The Feet Of Them" -- Handel

I'm obsessively listening to Handel's Messiah even though it's distinctly not Christmas. The compositions are just beautiful.

I may have overestimated how much better I was getting. I went back to work today and I started feeling like hell about halfway through the day, I'm still having major problems with focus and concentration, and, well, it's not that I'm tired so much as I'm just wrecked. My chest and throat are still constricted, I still have a headache, and I still feel like spending time on my feet will cause me to die. Luckily I got out of my life of retail and went to college, where I can sit down at work all day and nobody cares if it takes me five minutes to stuff an envelope because I forget how it all works.

I am missing class again tomorrow because I had to move my physical therapy appointment to 1:00 PM because I have to go to a MN House of Representatives meeting at 4:00 PM in order to do a paper that is actually due tomorrow, but my prof is generously giving me until Thursday. So in order to be at the doctor at 1:00 I'd have to miss my second class, and if I miss my second class I may as well miss my first class, which sucks anyway. So I'm going to sleep in as long as I can tomorrow in order to have as much energy as I can for the whole House thing. God, I am not looking forward to that.

Speaking of which, I just now realized that I forgot to call to make an appointment with my shrink regarding the fact that the huge dose of Prozac I'm taking cancels out my sleeping pills and so I can't sleep anymore unless I mix a dose of sleeping pills with a dose of tranquilizers, which is probably not the healthiest choice I could be making. Ah, well.

I just want this week to be over so I can start having reckless amounts of fun.

I've Been Your Bride Stripped Bare

Current Song: "Title Track" -- Okkervil River

Ok, I'm over the whole high school drama thing. Now I'm looking forward to:

- party on Friday (with people MY AGE)
- party on Saturday (same)
- Vegas on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday

I just need to get through this last week of school before Spring Break and then it's off to fun and gambling and food and spa treatments and a sense of luxurious relaxation for most of the week. Then when I get back, you guessed it, more partying. Frankly, it's what I do best.

I desperately need to go to the grocery store but this is the first day I'm leaving my house since I got sick last week. I'm not sure if I have the energy to go to work AND go to the store, especially since the things I need necessitate going to a store in St. Paul. I'll have to try, though, because honestly, it's an actual emergency.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Everyone Under 23 Can Go Right To Hell

Current Song: "Creep" -- Radiohead

On further reflection with some people MY AGE, I've decided that the excuse that I've been given for why I was ostracized (which, to clarify, was that I fooled around with some kid at a birthday party and then I was "too public" about it) is so ridiculously Puritanical and sad that I'm not only not sorry, I'm glad it came up so I can tell exactly how little those kids and I have in common. I will not be made to feel bad about any choice I have consciously made, especially a choice which didn't hurt anybody, just offended their delicate 22 year old senses. Lila especially pointed out how immature it is that I made what they considered a faux pas four months ago and I'm permanently banned from the house for that. And I wasn't informed. Probably the most pertinent thing to come out of this is the absolute certainty that I feel that at this age and this point in my life, this is not a situation that I should EVER have to confront. I should have been done with this when I was 22.

Also, this was a good screening tool for the people I actually should care about. Those kids thought I was "too public"; my actual friends were excited that I took a positive step toward crawling out of the social anxiety hole I had been buried in for six years. I will never, never be sorry for this.

You Know, The More I Think About It, The More I'm Really Not Sorry

Current Song: "Take Your Mama" -- Scissor Sisters

It was explained to me why I'm no longer welcome in parties with those kids. You know, it's understandable, I guess, but really, I'm not sorry and honestly, I didn't like them that much, really. I was in that crowd for one person, one person who I don't even have anymore. So, bye bye, other crowd. In a couple months, I will never have to think about you again.

I'm Better Off Dead

Current Song: "Vegetable" -- Radiohead

I've had to make a separation between my two groups of friends. Well, actually the separation was forced on me when the group I kind of got stuck with decided to branch out and not invite me to anything anymore. So really, it's not so much that I decided to split up with them as that they decided to split up with me. Par example, they are having a(nother) party right now to which I was not invited. So I said, enough with this bullshit, and I called the party planner on it. Via facebook, because I'm a coward. But seriously, that is some low-down high school bullshit and I'm too old for it. And I'm too old to take it with gentle good humor or repressed rage, which is how I've been handling things for too long. If I'm getting ditched, I want to know and I want to know why.

This is so fucking ridiculous that I have to deal with this shit at my age and stage in life. I really need to stop hanging out with 22 year olds that still think about how popular they were in high school. Of course, this includes you, asshole, because even when I came to you crying and asked what happened you couldn't man up and apologize or make it right.

I can't tell if it's really fucking hot in here or if my fever has returned. I hate everyone I live with. I should have stayed with who I came in with.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Guitar Hero III Has Taken Over My Brain Apparently

Current Song: "Lay Down" from some band on Guitar Hero III, possibly called Priestess or something similar.

Yep, still very very sick.

Once again, I woke up feeling okay and then a couple minutes after I got out of bed I collapsed in on myself.

Why haven't you come here to help me?

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Oh My God All Of My Joints Hurt So Much

Current Song: "Lucky" -- Radiohead

I'm bored and lonely and very very sick. This is crap.

I Know The Names Of The Thwarting Angels

Current Song: "Kid A" -- Radiohead

Every time I stand up my vision blacks and I almost faint. Chills are so bad I can't stop shaking unless I'm stopping to break out in a sweat. My throat feels swollen and my jaw hurts for some ungodly reason. If I sit upright for any real length of time I get dizzy. My neck hurts like mad, probably from laying down all day. All I have to eat is chicken noodle soup and ice cream, neither of which sound appealing right now. I have trouble focusing my thoughts on any one thing for more than a couple minutes. I was reading The Encyclopedia of Angels but I decided it was too much scholarship for me so now I'm re-reading America: The Book. Thank God I managed to write that policy paper earlier, before my mind collapsed. Nobody's home and I'm lonely and if they were home it would be an unsafe choice to keep me company. I need to lie down again, I'm going to pass out on my keyboard.

I Think It Might Be Called "Miss Murder"?

Current Song: It's the AFI song that's in Guitar Hero III, I can't identify it further

I woke up this morning thinking "Oh, I feel fine, maybe I shouldn't have called off classes." Then I stood up, and within about, oh, three minutes or so, I realized that every part of my body ached, my glands are still swollen to the point that I feel my throat is closing, that cough is sounding pretty bad, and I feel like hell. Just in general. So, I've got that going for me.

For some reason none of the doctors I work for (I don't work for them directly, they're just attached to the program) don't know that I don't work on Thursdays. I've had two of the three of them email me requests for things today and I have to keep answering that I'm not there. And that I won't be there tomorrow either. It's quite frustrating.

Wow, I really exceptionally don't feel well.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Everybody's A Star

Current Song: "Oh Comely" - Neutral Milk Hotel

Sometimes the smoothness inside an almond is all I can believe in.

I need someone here when I can't take care of myself.

I have a fever and I can't stop shaking. My joints hurt brutally, my head aches, my voice is shot through like the ace of spades, and my glands are swollen. The fatigue I've been complaining about for days has only gotten worse (I had to lie down in the middle of making a sandwich.) I still had to struggle to do at least half of my laundry today because I ran entirely out of socks and underwear. When I am sick I really just want someone to bring me soup or ice cream and tell me they're sorry I don't feel well. Instead I'm locked in my room at the end of a very long hallway.

God deliver me from loneliness.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I Think My Glands Are Swollen

Current Song: "Paint It Black" -- The Rolling Stones

I have blisters and impacted hangnails from playing my frustration out on Guitar Hero III. I have informed Susan in writing that a) she owes me money and interest will be compounding shortly, and b) if she continues to pay the rent after the first of the month, we have agreed to ask her to move out.

I've got to start eating more. Last night for dinner I had a pretzel stick and a miniature mandarin orange. Today all I've eaten is chicken nuggets, almonds, and two Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. I want to go grocery shopping but I'm just so tired all the time. I can't tell if I'm sick or if I'm tired because I'm not eating. I really need someone to swoop in here and take care of some things for me, because this whole Independent thing gets really burdensome when your problems start stacking up. For example, I have two baskets full of laundry, which contains nearly all of my socks and underwear. My laundry situation has crossed into DefCon 9. But am I upstairs doing laundry right now? No, I'm sitting here bitching about how exhausted I am. I need someone to make me nutritious food so I don't fade away to nothing.

I'm sad and I don't think it's psychological.

Give Yourself Up To Me

Current Song: "Narina" -- Serart

All I want to do is sleep. I don't want to go to class. I almost didn't write that paper last night just so I could sleep in today. But responsibility kicked in and I did what I should do.

I don't even know what language this song is in (besides the woman singing in English, although I can't really make out what she's saying) and yet it's been one of my favorite songs since I bought the album in 2003.

Oh my God, I don't want to do today. I have fun scheduled tonight and right now, I don't want to do that either. I just want to go back to sleep.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Your Time Is Now

Current Song: "Butterflies and Hurricanes" -- Muse

I got Constantine in the mail today so I just finished watching it. Say what you will about Keanu Reeves, that is a damned entertaining movie.

Susan is back from her sci-fi convention, but the good news is, so is the toaster.

My physical therapist today discovered a knot in my neck that was tighter than anything he'd ever seen. No wonder I have headaches all the time.

It's nearly 9:00 PM and I'm bored.

Revenge Will Surely Come

Current Song: "Blackout" -- Muse

This is one of my favorite songs ever.

I don't feel good again. I'm afraid I'm tearing holes in my organs with all the pills I've been taking. Taking without food. Speaking of which, I need to go grocery shopping.

Outside last night every inch of every sidewalk was covered in just enough ice to be a death-trap. It took me 20 minutes to walk about six blocks, and I was filled with terror the whole time. I hope it has improved this morning, I can't really afford another spill.

I just want to stay home and listen to music. And curl up wishing I felt better.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Out There It's All Around

Current Song: "Wall of Sound" -- Armin Van Buuren feat. Justine Suissa

Last night was a sincere disappointment, but it could have been worse. Could have been much worse.

All I have to do today is walk to Marriuci to watch Robby play hockey and I'm having trouble working up to it. I did manage to take a shower, at least.

My hands have been violently trembling all day. I hate that, it makes it difficult to type.

I definitely have to write a paper tomorrow night, since I obviously didn't do it today. I'm such a bad student.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Shivers Up and Down My Spine

Current Song: "Shivers" -- Armin Van Buuren

I bought this album on the strength of one song that I heard once, and I'll tell you, it was a great choice.

Last night was so the kind of thing I desperately needed. Let's hope tonight is also the fulfillment of things I desperately need. Wink.

Life, right now? Sweet.