Thursday, January 31, 2008

Looking To The Future

Current Song: "Mr. Jones" -- Counting Crows

I can't wait to get away from you. You just can't stop being a crushing disappointment, can you?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Bad News On The Doorstep

Current Song: "Knives Out" -- Christopher O'Riley

I spent the day at work and the night drawing portraits of the people I live with to hang in some of the vast bare stretches of wall we have. All of them came out kind of shitty, because even after years of formal training I still have barely any talent. Also, drawing self-portraits is depressing because I had to confront things like my double-chin and my disproportionately large nose. So all of them came out screwy because I suck at everything, and then I had to shame myself by signing them, as though it was worth it. I should go erase the signatures. I'm such a tool.

Do you even remember why you used to love me? Do you realize how far you've gone away?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I'll Make Your Heart My Home

Current Song: "The Mind of God" -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

I'm getting along with everyone as best as I can and trying to ignore the little slights and hurtful oversights. I think it's for the best.

Nothing I ate today was healthy in the slightest. And now I don't feel good, so I'm learning a little something about cause and effect.

You are cranky and/or distracted lately and it annoys me. You can't really afford to keep annoying me, and I'd like to remind you of that.

Monday, January 28, 2008

I've Wasted All My Tears

Current Song: "Holding Back The Years" -- Simply Red

I am unbearably hot and I can't tell if it's a fever or if my apartment is a hair away from spontaneous combustion. I have to actually get out of bed and go to class tomorrow (boo) but at least Tuesdays are short, short days for me. All my days are short and wonderful right now, thanks to my awesome scheduling and my resistance to my natural impulse to fill up my spare time. I'm spending a lot of time talking myself out of second jobs and volunteer work, for the sake of my very fragile mental health.

I should hop in the shower and go to bed. It's not like I had a particularly trying day, but I am rather sleepy. I wish I had some Nyquil, though.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

No One Wants To Hear About Your 97th Tear

Current Song: "Plus Ones" -- Okkervil River

Between mid-yesterday and right now I've gotten progressively sicker and sicker. I hate when this happens, and for me, I feel it happens too often. I'm skipping work tomorrow but thank God I don't have class on Mondays because that would start this whole thing off wrong.

I've done what I could to repair my home life but some things are just out of my sphere of power. I hope you don't hold that against me.

My glasses are constantly smudgy and it makes life no fun.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

And Your Kids Will Be Born Without Eyelids

Current Song: "Gotta Give Up The Toad Now" -- Cast of Family Guy

This cold or whatever has hit me hard and I've lost my ability or will to do anything other than lie down. Except for a few moments of inspired productivity when Robby and I threw out the horrible coat rack that was the bane of my whole existence. My project to wrest control of our apartment away from the roommate least deserving of control has faced some setbacks but is still moving forward, strongly. We will succeed in this coup, and if feelings get hurt, well, so much the better.

I spent the entire day watching television, including the movie Roadhouse (awesome) and the movie Th13teen Ghosts (not so much.) Also, I discovered that I've always had a crush on Sam Elliot, who might be the most masculine man that ever lived. Check out his work in Roadhouse and Tombstone, you'll see what I mean. Also, Tombstone is the best Western ever, with the possibly hazy exception of No Country For Old Men, which was only kind of a Western.

I've sort of gone off on a rant here, which is less about me caring about this subject and more about boredom and a fever.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Deep Inside Their Sunken Faces And Their Wild Rolling Eyes

Current Song: "Return To Oz" -- Scissor Sisters

Somebody allegedly from the Obama campaign called me tonight to ask who I would be supporting, and I half-lied and said Obama just to get him off the phone. I'm actually supporting whichever Democrat makes it through the primaries, although I will be disappointed if it's John Edwards, just because I'd like to see a woman or a minority in office. It's a changing America, you know.

I went back to the gym today for the first time in more than a month. I spent some time with the stationary bikes until I accidentally hit "reset" and then got frustrated, gave up, and moved to the elliptical. The problem was, sometime towards the end of my time on the elliptical, my heart started feeling funny, which with me is usually terrible, terrible news. For the rest of the day I was lightheaded and suffering intermittent chest pains, and I was half-concerned that tomorrow's headlines would read "U Student Dead At 27 From Heart Attack." The saddest part is that I'm not that out of shape, I just have a bum ticker. And I did not consult a doctor before beginning my exercise routine. I'm not really going to stop going to the gym, though, because I'm a risk taker, I guess. Anyway, if this is the last message of mine you ever read, you should know that I'm going out loving you even though you're an asshole a lot of the time. Take care of yourselves, kids.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I'm An Engine Driver

Current Song: "Mosquito Song" -- Queens of the Stone Age

I got no more than three hours of sleep last night, which clearly indicates to me that I need to get my insomnia medication refilled. I'm leaving for class in two minutes, god help me.

I don't trust you as much as I used to (how could I?) but I'm trusting you on this, please don't let me go.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Into The Burning Heart Of God

Current Song: "Rain King" -- Counting Crows

I snapped today and took out the things in my apartment that made me unhappy. Note things, not people. Then somewhere in the middle of it I had a freakout and made Robby swear not to move out until I can move out, because I would die. Seriously, I don't think I would make it.

I can't breathe anymore and it terrifies me.

Never For You

Current Song: "The Way We Get By" -- Spoon

I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't even want to anymore and I still do and it's killing me. I've been awake for hours, waiting, watching the clock, waiting, waiting, waiting, nothing. It's all useless and I can't get over it until I get away from it, and I can't get away from it. It's in my face every day. Everything, everyday. If you only knew. You will, you will, years from now when we're both gone and there's no hope left. No chances for hope left. You'll know and I'll know, we'll be the only two left and I still won't come back. Not for you.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

But You're Never There

Current Song: "Blowin' In The Wind" -- Peter, Paul & Mary

I've been out practically every night this week and I'm tired. Also, it's bitterly, bitterly cold outside (with wind chill it's -22.) Ergo, I am holing up inside my apartment until Tuesday.

Unfortunately, two of my roommates are willfully not speaking to me and the third hates everyone and, when he is home, is locked in his room. You don't know it yet but I'm going to leave all of you, all of you, all of you.

If one of you has the blueprints to a time machine, I'll make it worth your while to fast forward me to graduation. Or at least to the end of March, when my plans will be revealed.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

What Gives This Mess Some Grace Unless It's Fictions

Current Song: "Street Spirit (Fade Out)" -- Radiohead

I'm in a thing where I don't want to stop listening to this song.

Everything about my apartment makes me want to move out right now. I know I complain about this a lot, but it's pretty serious.

I was discussing my past complete freakout with my loving best friend earlier and I realized a) that I was as crazy as you can get and that's why I don't tell people that story that weren't there; and b) I am genuinely afraid of getting that far gone again. And I don't think it can necessarily be stopped in its tracks, either, because the problem last time was that everybody knew something about how bad it was but nobody coordinated. So, for instance, when I stopped eating entirely because I thought everything was poisoned, every single person I knew assumed that I was getting food elsewhere, even though if they had talked to each other they would have discovered that, no, I was living on Pepsi and cigarettes. The thing is that now if I go off the deep end again, there's no one to coordinate with. My problem before was that I saw too many people, now it's that there's not enough.

I'm starting school again next week and I'm truly afraid that my mind is going to break. You have no idea, no idea how bad it can get.

Oh my God, please don't turn your back on me.

Monday, January 14, 2008


You're a stupid waste of my time.

I Wish You The Best, You Snake

Current Song: "The Empty Threats Of Little Lord" -- Sunset Rubdown

I want to move out of my house. I want to move out of my house. I want to move out of my house. I almost wish that my secret escape plans fall through, because their success means that I would have to stay here a bit longer than if they failed. Then again, I don't at all wish my secret escape plans fall through, because their success would be awesome. It's not so much that I want to move out of my house, it's that I want everybody else to move out.

It smells like onions and garlic in here and it makes me want to murder someone.

And I Swallow It With Complete Disdain

Current Song: "Song For Clay (Disappear Here)" -- Bloc Party

Avenue Q was hilarious, I highly recommend it.

I've got to stop being this tired.

Bret Easton Ellis can bite the fattest part of me but this song is just great.

I wonder if I upped the dose on this Prozac whether it would solve everything or send me spiraling off into unrecoverable insanity?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Leave The Widower In His Private Hell

Current Song: "I Must Belong Somewhere" -- Bright Eyes

I'm going to Avenue Q tonight, which hopefully will be fun enough to justify the outrageous amount I spent on the tickets.

Also, I'm having hot flashes again. I hate my life.

Also, I want to quit my apartment. I'm tired of all this bullshit.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Don't Let Go

Current Song: "My Heart Will Go On" -- Celine Dion

I caught the last half of Titanic and it turns out I still cry about it even though it's pandering and ridiculous. It makes me feel bad about myself.

I am supposed to be somewhere right now, and I just don't feel like going out.

I'm looking forward to running away again.

I miss Charlie.

A Friend Who Bleeds Is Better

Current Song: "Pure Morning" -- Placebo

Every time I see you it's a reminder of what a constant disappointment you are and always will be. If I never had to see you again I'd be a happier person. Get out of my life.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Fade Out Again

Current Song: "Street Spirit (Fade Out)" -- Radiohead

I think that this is possibly my favorite song of all time. I got this CD from my hateful freshman-year roommate, which was basically the only good to come out of that fiasco.

I went crazy this evening and scrubbed my bathtub clean with bleach and a scouring brush at 10:30 at night. While wearing a towel and singing to myself. Probably a good thing nobody else was home, but then again, I'm not sure any of us could pass a sanity test. Actually, I'm quite positive that at least three of the four of us have actual medical diagnoses to back that statement up.

I miss the people I love who are in other states right now. I think everyone should come back forever so I can be surrounded by love and support. Because it's clearly all about me.

This song ends with Thom Yorke singing, soaringly, beautifully, heartbreakingly, the phrase "Immerse your soul in love," which has no meaning until you hear him sing it. It keeps me alive sometimes.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

And Amber Says She Hates Guitar

Current Song: "The Courtesan Has Sung" -- Sunset Rubdown

I don't care that Spencer Krug has voiced his hatred for me, the man can still write a damn good song. Next time I see him I should throw a beer bottle at his head, so he remembers me. Well, probably next time I shouldn't be falling-down drunk.

God, there's a promise I keep making.

Tomorrow is my day off and I can't think of anything to do, so I'm thinking I might stay in bed all day, maybe catch up on my TV viewing. Wallow in depression, you know, whatever. I'm actually not all that depressed but I have so little to think about these days, it's easy to get myself all worked up about nothing of substance. I wish school was overwith, that would free up my worry list for other ridiculous things, like whether I will be struck by lightning or whether that bacon I ate was undercooked.

I've got to get back to singing at the top of my lungs and annoying the neighbors.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Your Highness Is Holding Your Chains

Current Song: "Up On Your Leopard, Upon The End Of Your Feral Days" -- Sunset Rubdown

I am so bad at original Mario that I actually died on the very first guy in the very first level. Shortly after I'd finished making fun of Leslie for making that exact mistake a good four years ago. I will probably never live this down.

I guess realistically I should go to bed, since I have to work tomorrow and Monday taught us that instead of getting out of bed, I will repeatedly fall asleep and dream that I have gotten up.

Speaking of which, I had an awesomely linear, narrative dream the other night that had a relatively complex plot that held together on examination when I was awake. Long story short, I was an ex-CIA agent who was wrongfully imprisoned and I spent the entire memorable part of the dream making ever-more-complicated escapes from prison. Which I eventually did, in an elaborate plan where I sold out everyone else in the prison block for my own freedom. Anyway, the only really strange part about it was that through most of the dream I wasn't me, I was George Clooney.

Time Won't Work It Out For You

Current Song: "Lead To Gold In The Hour Of Chaos" -- The Dead Science

There is a lot of good old-fashioned jug band work in this otherwise eerie song. I love The Dead Science.

My only goal for today was to go to the bagel shop a block over and buy some bagels and cream cheese. However, with Susan in the common spaces and the fact that I am bloated and gross, I'm not terribly motivated to leave my room, much less get some food. I desperately needed a vacation, it's true, but with so much unstructured time I'm finding it harder and harder to remain a functional human being and not give in to my barely restrained insane impulses, like talking to myself and not showering. This does not bode well for my plan to move into my own place soon, given that the last time I lived alone I went completely round the bend. On the other hand, I wouldn't mind not living with the people I've got these days anymore. Some of them are hateful and some of them are just remarkably ungrateful. It's like the Dr. Seuss Book of Sorrows.

Monday, January 07, 2008

In A Closed Room Down The Hall

Current Song: "The Crane Wife Pts 1 & 2" -- The Decemberists

I cannot get enough water today. I think I'm having hot flashes.

I went to the grocery store yesterday and now I have a lot of delicious food that needs eating. Don't you wish you were me?

I've gotten into the habit every day of searching Craigslist and MNCN for apartments and jobs, respectively. Perhaps I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I like to know what's out there that I can look forward to. Somehow over the years I've gained quite a bit of useful job experience. I'm also looking forward to the prospect of having so much money that I can roll around in it. See, it's a low-paying career field, but it also doesn't take much money to participate in my life. Since there's just one of me, it's not hard to come up with extra money, once I have tuition and crap like that paid for. God I'm looking forward to graduation. Hello again, real world! I didn't like you before but I've got a better bargaining position now! I hope!

Sunday, January 06, 2008

I Can't Keep Holding On To What You've Got When All You've Got Is Hurt

Current Song: "One" -- Johnny Cash

I seriously, seriously, need to get out of the house more. I'm digging myself a hole that's already threatening to become a crisis. Resolved: I shall at least get dressed tomorrow. Perhaps if I'm dressed I can psych myself up to walk out the door, and maybe go buy some desperately needed groceries so I can stop rationing out leftover Chinese food.

[EDIT: I miss you, but I've been missing you for years.]

Setbacks are inevitable, in the long run.

Friday, January 04, 2008

My Mouth Runs Off Too

Current Song: "The View" -- Modest Mouse

I officially have a cold, it seems. Is it hypocritical to want to spend time in the living room? Yes, definitely. Also, will someone come to my house and evict my worthless roommate before she gets all of us evicted? It's pretty important.

I Wish I Could Play Piano

Current Song: "Positive Tension" -- Bloc Party

For some reason lately I can't get out of bed or stay awake. Possibly it has to do with the fact that when I am awake I can't stop stuffing my face full of candy. I'm covered in butterfat and my cells are rapidly being replaced by processed sugar. I'm like a Batman villain.

On another note, I apparently quit my volunteering at Casa de Esperanza because I just can't make myself leave the house to go there.

On a related yet other note, I'm spending a lot of time lately hunting for apartments and jobs in preparation for graduation. It's fun and exciting and it makes me remember that it's in our best interests if one of us leaves, and I vote me.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

And Amber Says She Hates Guitar

Current Song: "The Courtesan Has Sung" -- Sunset Rubdown

This was probably the best New Year's I've ever had. Thank God for good friends who have my best interests at heart.