Thursday, November 29, 2007

What Does Puentes Mean? Anyone?

Current Song: "Sons & Daughters" -- The Decemberists

Instead of working on that Really Important Paper, I chose to drink alone and eat pizza with my roommates. Now I'm sleepy, so I guess that equation fits. How are there so many people outside when it's like 1 degree out? I don't understand America.

You Could Always Talk To Me Back Then

Current Song: "I'm A Ghost" -- Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

I skipped my class this morning for about the 400th time. I will be so happy when I don't have to go to class anymore.

The entire time I was in Washington DC I had this song in my head.

I am nauseous for some reason. That bodes well for the rest of the day.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

My Heart Is Fine

Current Song: "Counting Down The Hours" -- Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

The wind outside is screaming and it keeps me awake. I got an extension on a paper because I have lost control of my ability to be responsible. I can't wait to go home and snuggle up with my dogs and my sister's babies. I told my mom to wait to buy plane tickets because I might not graduate. She didn't seem surprised. Why can't I stop my hands from shaking?

Monday, November 26, 2007

When The Ocean Met The Sky

Current Song: "Ocean Breaths Salty" -- Modest Mouse

I finished writing my stupid paper for jerks, and then I accidentally read a string of painfully depressing news headlines and now all I want to do is go to sleep. Which I don't think is a bad idea.

Also, I need to write a series of nasty passive-aggressive notes to my roommates before I explode and tear this place apart. Is it so hard to stop leaving dishes on the couch?

Work It Better Make It Stronger

Current Song: "Stronger" -- Kanye West

I had to get drunk after seeing No Country For Old Men because it is both the scariest and the most depressing movie ever. I'm drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk. Also I misses yous. Whatev, you haven't cared in years. Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Goddammit. $1 rail drinks is how I'm going to die. I have to go to work tommorow, also typing is so much harder than it should be. I dyed my hair back to black and frankly I am the hottest woman you know, so fuck you.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Can You See Me When I'm Running?

Current Song: "Harrowdown Hill" -- Thom Yorke

My friends think you're not cute enough for me. I think you're just an asshole. And yet, here we are.

She's Scared Of Getting Older In The Snow

Current Song: "Somewhere Out There" -- Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram

This song has such a standard 80s synthesizer solo, you almost wouldn't think it was from a Disney movie.

I just wrote two papers. They both sucked. One of them was a complete fabrication because I was supposed to write a reflection on reading a specific book to a child and I had neither child nor book. Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

I have another huge paper due this week and I don't feel like doing it, but it ain't due til Wednesday so I think I can afford to have that attitude right now.

And I said Mama, Mama, Mama, why am I so alone? I can't go outside, I'm scared I might not make it home.

Friday, November 23, 2007

I Know That Now That's Why I'm Staying Here

Current Song: "I Must Belong Somewhere" -- Bright Eyes

I was so relaxed during Thanksgiving that after dinner I fell asleep for 14 hours. I'm pretty sure that before that I hadn't slept in years. I smell like smoke. I miss you and we can pretend we were going to see each other, but I think we all know.

I don't know how to answer questions about you and when you go out it keeps me awake.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Hail Mary, Full Of Grace

Current Song: "Ave Maria" -- Caccini

Around the beginning of winter I always start longing for religion.

Monday, November 19, 2007

My Printer Is Broken And I'm Angry About Everything

Current Song: "North American Scum" -- LCD Soundsystem

The only thing you've said to me in a week is that you're afraid you're hurting me because you don't know how to help. [EDIT] I understand that I'm asking too much of you. I understand that asking anything of you is too much. [EDIT] I spend so much of my time wishing I'd never met you and at the same time desperately longing for your approval. You know how you spend most of your time? Thinking about yourself. We are pathetic.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

What The Hell Am I Doing Here?

Current Song: "Creep" -- Radiohead

I got some unexpected support last night and it's making me feel better.

I wish it was Thanksgiving already, I'm so bad at waiting.

My God I need sleep.

Friday, November 16, 2007

I Shouldn't Be Mixing Booze With Medication

Current Song: "The Killer Inside" -- Better Than Ezra


Thursday, November 15, 2007

This Is The Worst Trip I've Ever Been On

Current Song: "John Allyn Smith Sails" -- Okkervil River

My sister is having another baby girl.

I want to go home.

Disability Services is encouraging me to drop all my classes and seek counseling full time. This is not an option for me. I don't want to do anything but crawl in bed and never wake up.

Yesterday I was taking a shower and I kept forgetting whether I had shampooed my hair and nothing seemed right when I did it. I can't remember anything anymore. If I wake up at 2:08 in the morning again, I'm going to throw myself out the window.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

You Weren't Even Born Then

Current Song: I don't have a song right now, oddly.

I pulled a muscle in my neck playing Guitar Hero III and that about rounds out the pathos of my whole life.

You are not a good person and I don't really want to know you anymore.

I don't want to be part of this anymore. This = everything.

I Can't Tell The Difference Anymore

Current Song: "Shit Luck" -- Modest Mouse

One of my friends from Hamline died and it sucks. Did I already write about this? Probably.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

East London Is A Vampire

Current Song: "Song For Clay (Disappear Here)" -- Bloc Party

My shrink told me this morning to stop worrying about missing so much class and just concentrate on not losing my shit. I thought that was pretty good advice.

I can't tell if my glasses are dirty or if my vision is fogged.

I miss you and our relationship is fragile enough that if I asked you to come visit you'd get scared off again. I hate taking what I can get.

I've Been Up Since 2 AM

Current Song: "Facing The Plastic" -- Serart

Given the choice between chronic insomnia and the sweet unconscious embrace of death, I'd have a hard time choosing.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

She's Taken My Heart, But She Doesn't Know What She's Done

Current Song: "She's Like The Wind" -- Patrick Swayze

I have to go to work and then class tomorrow and that's gonna be a problem. At least I don't have to get up at 6:30 like usual. I wrote a horrible paper for my Family Psych class last week (12 pages in two and a half hours) and the only real criticism I got back was that it lacked an introduction and I needed to tie the content to the class concepts a little more strongly. I'm taking this as a signal that my instructor has just given up on me because that paper was deeply flawed and frankly, didn't contain any class concepts at all. I don't know any class concepts, I never bought the books for that class and I think I've missed more of it than I've gone to. The point is, someone save me.

My Heart Is Colder

Current Song: "Wake Up" -- Arcade Fire

I can't stop picking the skin off my bottom lip, leaving it unevenly swollen, cracked, and bleeding. It's a nervous habit. [EDITED]

Saturday, November 10, 2007

You're Wrong, You're Wrong, You're Wrong

Current Song: "The Eraser" -- Thom Yorke

You are a deceitful, transparent jerk. And I've known that for a while. And neither of us has changed.

I have a busy day of leisure and fun today. I hope it works out.

I skipped my therapy appointment yesterday because I couldn't get out of bed. This shit is getting serious.

I'm going under, going under, going under, barely keeping my head above water.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Into My Arms

Current Song: "Leave Melody Counting Fear" -- Serart

I have been very depressed since Monday. Last night the Pizza Hut cashier asked me if I was eating for two. I can't make myself go to class or volunteer commitments and I'd stop going to work if I could. All I want to do is stay home and stare vacantly at stupid TV that I don't have to think about. I'm tired of trying to be a responsible adult. Susan is sick again and she's coughing on everything I own. I need hugs and you're not a hugger. I haven't locked myself in a bathroom and cried since high school, so what other gates are we going to open this week?

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I Can See Clearly Now

you are incapable of loving someone else

but god i have strong feelings about you

we are not adequate

Monday, November 05, 2007

Nothing Changes

Current Song: "Is There A Hand To Take Hold Of The Scene?" -- Okkervil River

if i knew you would love me for the rest of my life

i think i would be invincible

I Can Think Of At Least One Person Who Understands

Current Song: "Don't You Evah" -- Spoon

I am seriously thinking about dropping out of Accounting. It's the only class I have left this semester that is not a graduation requirement, and I've just taken the last three weeks off of going to all of my classes. I still have the one-time drop because I slid Human Anatomy in under the wire. On the plus sides, I wouldn't have to take the GPA hit OR get up at 6:30 in the morning twice a week anymore. On the minus sides, I'd have two W's on my transcript this semester, and I'd have spent a lot of money for the book for no reason. I'm not sure I can afford the GPA hit from a class I don't need to graduate, since I haven't been to my required classes either, so I can't imagine them going much better. My problem is that I want to drop out of school and I can't with the end so closely in sight. I've got too much on my plate right now to keep caring about class.

I am collapsing in on myself but in some ways I feel a bit better, so I don't know how that is going to come together.

Dear mental illness: please leave me alone.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Fuck You, Mick Magoo

Current Song: "Feed My Frankenstein" -- Alice Cooper

Every part of me hurts. I came out of last night with serious contusions on both knees and one elbow, sore ankles, shin splints, and a pulled muscle in my groin. With credentials like this, I should be a hockey player.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Christ I'm Such A Drunk

Current Song: "Magic vs. Midas" -- Sunset Rubdown

Sunset Rubdown is playing the Triple Rock tonight and I will be there throwing my panties at Spencer Krug, who will likely be too drunk to notice.

Speaking of which, I blacked out most of Halloween. I vaguely remember going to the Dance Band show at the Varsity. It was probably a pretty good time.