Friday, September 28, 2007

Try Not To Believe In That Lie All On Your Own

Current Song: "Unless It's Kicks" -- Okkervil River

The second season of The Office is depressing.

I wish I was drinking, but I'm riding the Sober Train tonight. Tomorrow and Sunday, maybe the last days of my life. We'll see, we'll see.

I am bone-breakingly tired, and I have to go out now.

A Little More Action

Current Song: "A Little Less Conversation" -- Elvis Presley

And then, without warning, I was drunk.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

One More Week, They Tell Me

Current Song: "Jailhouse Rock" -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

I hate waking up, but nothing really beats the peace of a cold early morning when it seems like you're the only one in the world. I used to live in an apartment about six blocks from my work, and I worked at 6:30 in the morning every day. In a geographic area known for getting snow about one day per year. Then one morning, I left my place at about 6:15 AM and it was quietly snowing these huge, floating flakes that had covered everything in sight. All sounds were muffled and it was just the snow and I, walking to work. Every time I have to wake up very early, I remember that morning, and I feel better.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Women And Children, Let's Go

Current Song: "Birthday Dethday" -- Dethklok

I spent three hours meticulously constructing my convoluted family relationships into a genogram on a program online. About 2 hours and 45 minutes into it, I realized the program I was using was a demo and that I would be unable to save or print. I finished the layout and then drew it by hand. It is ugly and it makes me sad, but at least that part is done. Now tomorrow night I just need to write the 10 page paper that goes with it.

This is just a note to say that every day I think about running away, just to shake things up.

Monday, September 24, 2007

The Lyrical Gangster

Current Song: "No Cars Go" -- Arcade Fire

I am dead excited to go to this concert on Sunday, even if the XCel Energy Center does have shitty acoustics.

Also, you don't talk to me about your life anymore and maybe it's that that breaks my heart the most.

It's raining outside now. I don't have to go anywhere for the rest of the night.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Ahead, Ahead, And Damn The Torpedos

Current Song: "A Stone" -- Okkervil River

On my walk home from 27th and Como, first I saw a kid fail a field sobriety test (he tried to put his leg out in front of himself and fell over) and then I saw a kid crawling down the sidewalk and trying his damnedest to look inconspicuous. I had just made up my mind to go down there and help him up when, against all odds, he regained his footing and then ran off unsteadily. Point is, this is a great neighborhood.

I finally got my box of contacts and I am recommending to everyone everywhere that they use 1800Contacts because their prices are okay but their customer service is just great.

I don't really want to be in school anymore.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I'm Trying To Take The High Road Here

Current Song: "Paris Is Burning" -- St. Vincent

I had to walk for nearly 20 minutes in the horrible downpour today with naught but an umbrella and my pride. Then I had to sit in class for two hours soaked to the bone and try not to think about how cold and damp I was. It was sad, I didn't like it.

Also, some days I just really want to quit school, pack a bag, get on a bus and start over somewhere else. Not some days, just some minutes. Like right now, for example. Right this second, I am planning out what essentials I can fit into a single bag that will not be too much of a burden when I get to wherever and have to find shelter. Then I start thinking about the logistics of moving my money/stuff around and I get a little discouraged. Then again, I bet I could find a lot of reasons to get the fuck out. I bet you could find me some reasons, too.

I only have to hold on until October 4th. October 4th, and I'm taking action to solve my crippling problems. Come on, October 4th. Baby needs a new set of boundaries.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

That Was On The Line

Current Song: "Shake Your Babymaker" -- Dance Band

I fell into traffic as I was crossing 15th with bad shoes on wet pavement and long story short my knee got hurt pretty bad.

I skipped my first class this morning, kicking off a long and inevitable trend of not going to my 8:00 AM class. This'll be fun.

Also, I've become quietly obsessed with the song "Paris Is Burning" by St. Vincent.

Monday, September 17, 2007

To Mix A Gin And Sink Into Oblivion

Current Song: "Paul Newman's Eyes" -- Dogs Die In Hot Cars

I've been pretty concerned that one of us was going to move out and if you said it was you it was going to be me and it seems like we've decided to stay friends which is all I was asking for anyway but Jesus Christ, I've got to get out of this self destruction

All I wanted was to say it I didn't care what you said

The Toro And The Toreador

Current Song: "Take A Bow" -- Muse

First of all, the new Indiana Jones movies is called "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and that's just hatefully bad.

Second of all, it's pretty hard to keep caring about school in the fourth year.

Third, if you think I haven't noticed that you are avoiding me, you are sorely mistaken and you need to settle down and stop being such a drama queen.

Fourth, I don't have any particularly pressing homework and I'm thinking about drinking again. Remember when we all promised ourselves that we wouldn't drink alone?

And finally and fifth, aw fuck it.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Lyric Posts Are Lame

Current Song: "Silver Sparklers" -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

It comes back to me like pieces of a dream I can't remember
And I don't think you took a breath
From March until September
When they sat me down and upped the dose
Said "Son, tell us what to do
This isn't only killing you
This isn't only killing you"

They say rats leave sinking ships
I think that you could learn something from rats
Ask them in your traps

Have you ever seen the stars just after the rain?
Have you ever seen the stars through someone else's pain?
Have you ever blacked out with nothing in your veins
Have you ever blacked out

These days I wake up with silver sparklers burning in my eyes
These days, these days I wake up with silver sparklers burning in my eyes

I was standing on a hill
I was on the phone with hell
I was hoping to hear something I could understand
When I saw you walking up the road
Your love and desperation lighting up your face
I think it cost a dime

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God I am sorry
I'm sorry

But I'm Not In Love With You

Current Song: "The Killer Inside" -- Better Than Ezra

Things are going about as well as I expected them to, which is bad, as I'm a pretty pessimistic person. As an illustration of how there is hope in the world, last night I was sitting in a park with a bad case of the spins and two girls I've never seen before (Alison and Hannah, apparently) decided to worry that it was not a great neighborhood and walked me home. So there is human kindness in the world, I guess.

Anyway, I started smoking again because I lost my last reason not to. I've also formulated an all-purpose contingency plan that, for once, does not rely on suicide. So I guess things could be worse.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Open Up Your Stare, And I'll Be There

Current Song: "Shake Your Babymaker" -- Dance Band

Everyone's life took an odd turn last night when we were invited by a complete stranger to be in an upcoming music video. My dancing is unique on a generous day but I'm going to shake my T & A for the cameras and I'll be damn glad I'm doing it, too.

I'm hungry and thirsty and hot and I want to either go out for breakfast or kick back on my couch and relax, and right now Lacy is sleeping in the living room so all of those options are denied me.

I have been hitting the bottle pretty hard lately. As in, an entire lost Thursday and everything yesterday after I got home from the grocery store. I seriously weighed my options between drinking like a lush and smoking like an old casino whore, and this time the balance fell to drinking. Maybe I can combine the two later.

I have pretty bad insomnia lately and last night I went to bed at 4 AM and woke up at 7:30 AM. I didn't have anything to do at 7:30 AM, but by God I was up for it.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Adeste Fidelis

Current Song: "Hellfire" -- Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame Soundtrack

I gave up on life today. After my first class got out I went directly to the Dinkytowner where I capped off brunch with a Bloody Mary. Finding that to my liking, I plowed my way through a six pack alone, resulting in my missing my night class and spending a lot of time watching Nickelodeon. I finished the night off with a gin and tonic, just to keep things lively, I guess. I'm thinking about just hitting the bottle pretty hard. Pulling a Jim Morrison and drinking myself to death. Who cares anymore?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I'll Draw Three Figures On Your Heart

Current Song: "You Are A Runner And I Am My Father's Son" -- Wolf Parade

I think I'm going to lose my free Thursdays and it upsets me. Honestly, what doesn't upset me these days? It takes everything I have not to go to the liquor store every day and I think that's a battle I can't win.

What is with how cold it is lately? The wind howling around my neighborhood keeps me awake at night.

Because I don't want this to be a relentless downer, here's a story: a guy wearing scrubs but no bike helmet was showboating in front of me this morning and he hit the sidewalk going fast at all the wrong angles and just wiped out. I made sure he was okay before I started laughing. Slapstick is great.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

God Doesn't Always Have The Best Goddamn Plans, Does He?

Current Song: "Dear Sons And Daughters Of Hungry Ghosts" -- Wolf Parade

I gotta work out this scheduling thing where I have to get up at 6:30 in the damn morning but I inevitably find myself up late the night before. On Monday I fell asleep more than once in my Accounting class and twice I almost fell out of my chair.

Also, in case you were concerned, I do in fact have the hiccups.

I got an interview for the grant-writing/fund-raising/event-planning volunteer position with Casa de Esperanza (a battered women's shelter for Latinas in Saint Paul.) I'm hoping I get it even though a smarter woman than me would have opted for something that will be a lot less work. It's tough being ambitious and filled with regret at the same time.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Disappear Here

Current Song: "Take A Bow" -- Muse

What I wouldn't give to see Muse again. Matthew Bellamy fucking rocks.

I want to disappear.

Speaking of which, "Song for Clay (Disappear Here)" by Bloc Party is an excellent song, even though the book it is based on is just terrible. I hate Bret Easton Ellis.

On an unrelated media note, go find Britney Spears' terrible awkward performance at the VMAs (it's on It's comedy gold, especially towards the end when they make the ill-informed decision to keep panning to members of the audience, all of whom look either horrified, confused, or amused. That's just good clean American fun at the expense of someone's mental and physical health, right there.

Try To Run But It Follows You Up A Hill

Current Song: "Cymbal Rush" -- Thom Yorke

I should have gone to bed hours ago. I need to wake up at 6:30 to learn Accounting. Oh, this semester is going to kill me.

I've been plagued with serious aches and pains for the last two days or so and I don't love it.

It occurred to me quite recently that often when I talk to people I think that we are having a conversation that is dripping with subtext, the same subtext, and that both of us know the exact weight and importance of our statements, and I am replying in ways which make a lot of sense if you know the underlying map of the whole relationship as it has played out in my head. And this, it turns out, is crazy. And the more I think about the alcohol-soaked fight we had the other night, the more it seems like A) we'd both had a lot to drink, and B) what you said indicated that you completely misunderstood what I said, and C) what you said and what I thought you said were maybe not the same thing. So I guess you're probably off the hook on that one. On the other hand, I can't guarantee that we weren't talking about the same thing, in which case you are an unbelievable prick.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The Earthiest Smell

Current Song: "A Stone" -- Okkervil River

Who goes to a show, the existence of which is entirely predicated on dancing, and then stands there stiffly and exudes annoyance and judgment at your dancing? I ended up standing there most of the time bouncing slightly on the balls of my feet and occasionally waving one hand around, because all I could see was you in my peripheral vision A) spending most of the show looking at the door, B) shuffling your feet every now and again in a disconcerting manner, or C) staring at me and obviously remembering that time that you told me my dancing embarrassed everyone and that you respected me for being brave enough to do it anyway. That was the least fun time I've ever had at a show and I'm willing to say it was entirely your fault. It's occurred to me recently that most of the times we go out and do something together I end up regretting it. What sort of a position is that to be in after all these years?

On a semi-related note, my interpersonal failures are so out of hand these days and I don't think anyone realizes how unmanageable it's gotten. I am a shitty person to try to know.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Around The World

Current Song: "Atoms For Peace" -- Thom Yorke

You are the worst idea I've ever had.

You are the worst idea I've ever had.

You are the worst idea I've ever had.

I've been asking the same question for years.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Shall Be Lifted

Current Song: "Vampires/Forest Fires" -- Arcade Fire

Things are going better than I had any right to dream and I am not content. Do you think I know how to be happy?

It's too hot today.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

That Popping Sound Is Going To Kill Me

Current Song: "What A Good Boy" -- Barenaked Ladies

I had a class today that was supposed to have been taught by Dr. Caron, but he died instead, so I had to sit in his classroom and listen to his material as taught by someone else and all I could think was how much better the class would be if he were still teaching it. Why am I taking this so hard?

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Today Was The First Day Of School

Current Song: "The Eraser" -- Thom Yorke

Wasting. Life. Mine.

Also, I think I've made a lot of mistakes both physical and mental. I regret them.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Punches Right Through My Mind

Current Song: "Unless It's Kicks" -- Okkervil River

I went to the State Fair today and ate all the food.

Classes start up tomorrow so let's hope this all pans out.

I have spent more than $500 in the last two days and I haven't bought a single textbook yet.

You might not believe it, but I'm wasting my life.

Left You So Defeated

Current Song: "It Can't Come Quickly Enough" -- Scissor Sisters

I'm wasting my life.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

You Can Have The Rest

Current Song: "The Empty Threats of Little Lord" -- Sunset Rubdown

I am wasting my life.

End transmission.

The Joy And Misery

Current Song: "Hospital Beds" -- Cold War Kids

All I want to do is lie down all the time, forever.

I need a re-do button.

Lots of parts of me hurt which is tiresome.

I need one person in my life who doesn't find the thought of touching me unbearable.