Saturday, May 31, 2008

Cool Your Jowls, Nixon

Current Song: "Somewhere That's Green" -- Audrey (Little Shop of Horrors)

Going out is a much bigger hassle than it should be now that I live ridiculously far from everything fun. Thanks, Saint Paul!

I can tell you already that this weekend is not long enough.

I'm real fat these days and I blame the easy accessibility of chocolate at work.

My eyes are itchy and I blame how much I love my cats.

It's humid and it makes me feel gross.

Even I couldn't conjecture how much happier I'd be once I left you. It's appalling what escape can do.

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Other Men Spoke Low

Current Song: "They Took A Vote And Said No" -- Sunset Rubdown

I think my cat is sensing evil, because he just looked up at my ceiling fan and then freaked right out and ran off. He also keeps wailing at me. It's very unsettling, especially since I just cleaned up his vomit.

I'm so glad it's the weekend. Working for a living is hard.

That being said, I still love my job.

Your cats and I miss you, Meredith.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Before I Put On My Makeup

Current Song: It's that horrible "I say a little prayer for you..." song.

I had a long weird day in Hopkins. We had extremely odd clients and it took forfuckingever to get there and back home. Also I dropped a hundred dollars at an antique store and then thirty more dollars on dinner and dessert. We need to get our eating disorders under more manageable control.

Is it sad that I'm this tired at 10 PM?

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Counter Guy At Bruegger's Is Way Too Friendly For That Hour Of The Morning

Current Song: "Calendar Hung Itself" -- Bright Eyes

Our decidedly awkward and unprofessional relationship with our landlord continues unabated. I kind of love it but at the same time it could have very real consequences.

I have a check I need to deposit before it expires, and I am never near a bank or ATM anymore. It's a frustrating situation.

I woke up and turned my alarm off this morning and then 23 minutes later I realized that my eyes were closed and I was still in bed. The experimental "drinking three gulps of coffee" strategy is still paying off, but I'm afraid that it will make my system shut down unexpectedly. It was necessary this morning, though, as I fell asleep on the bus several times, woke up as we were passing the Luther Seminary, panicked and pulled the stop cord, and then had to explain that I didn't really want to get off at that stop. Not a good way to start the day.

I am job shadowing by myself in Hopkins tomorrow. It's terrifying in a wonderful way.

The five minutes that I saw of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre scarred me for life and now I can't get them out of my head. Thanks, Meredith.

I think I'll go to bed now, while I still have my wits about me. Instead of staying up late telling ghost stories and talking about the worst horror movies ever, like I did last night. Stupid stupid choices.

All The Things I Deserve

Current Song: "Underneath Your Clothes" -- Shakira

I apparently fell asleep after I turned my alarm off and woke up a good 20 minutes later, so I look like crap today because I sacrificed beauty in the interest of punctuality.

I stood at the wrong bus stop for six full minutes yesterday before I realized it. I almost missed my bus. I am sleeping on my feet these days.

I passed my third exam (of seven) towards getting my certification and getting that raise. I love it, I love it.

I forgot to refrigerate my cream cheese and I'm going to eat it anyway. You can show the hospital this note when they ask.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Dirty Your Face

Current Song: "Rotten Apples" -- Smashing Pumpkins

I love my new job but I do miss being able to listen to music all day.

I'm concerned that it's another day of 8-hour classroom training and there's little I can do to not fall asleep.

I'm also concerned by how much I hate dress codes.

I will love every little thing about this job come payday. Baby, it'll blow your mind.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Give Me A Song

Current Song: "Gypsy" -- Armin Van Buuren

Apparently violent storms ripped Hugo, MN apart. RPAP has a student there so I hope they're ok. My mom called me in a panic because the national news reported the storm as being in Saint Paul. Thanks, national news.

I napped all day. Hopefully I am caught up on sleep so I can go back to work on Tuesday.

I'm in love with the kitties who live in my house.

My landlord is gonna be pissed when he realizes that I haven't had the utilities put in my name yet.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

I Know I Am Not Another Waste Of Time

Current Song: "Getaway" -- Train

Long day of grilling and throwing beanbags at holes and otherwise laughing our asses off. I love shit like today.

Choice quotes:

"Add that to the long list of things that have been in my hair."
"Dan, I hate it when you blingle bloggle."
"If you're under 25 you can't skip Sgt. Preston's on a Saturday night."


"There's a hair in my mouth." "That's what she said."


The cat that doesn't like me is huddled behind the toilet right now wishing I was dead. The cat that does like me is running around like a fat orange ball of fluffy love. These is good days to be living in.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Sink When You Get Close

Current Song: That one song by Eve 6. The "put my tender heart in a blender" song.

I went to bed early last night, apparently seconds before Meredith discovered our landlord's Myspace and photo blog. It's pretty entertaining, really.

I am job shadowing a counselor today in Minneapolis, so I got to sleep in for an extra 20 minutes, which was a blessing. I'm looking forward to shadowing although I have not packed a lunch so I'll be starved the whole day. I'm blogging instead of addressing that problem.

My job rocks out loud.

Right now, I've got cats to talk to, a bed to sleep in, a roof over my head, and food in the kitchen. Right now, life is pretty sweet.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Begging To Stay

Current Song: "We've Got Everything" -- Modest Mouse

I can feel myself falling asleep already. I got home kind of late from bar trivia -- where we FINALLY took first place -- and then the cats were up all night yowling. I had to keep waking up and hollering at Harry to shut up, which he only would for a couple of minutes. I think he misses Meredith.

I'm kind of screwed because I know this morning we're spending the entire morning studying for and taking exams, which is the kind of situation in which I am absolutely bound to fall asleep. I'm already so unbearably tired. At least it's the weekend soon.

Ugh, somebody pretend to be me for a couple hours so I can go back to bed.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Everyone's Watching To See What You Will Do

Current Song: It's the theme song from Rocky. I don't know what it's called or who sings it, but it's stuck there in my head.

I'm on to another day of trying and probably failing to stay awake for the entire workday. I keep falling asleep during training and I feel like I'm missing things that are terribly important. And it's the kind of falling asleep where you don't know that you're asleep until you suddenly wake up. I am desperate for some caffeine or something and it's just not a realistic option.

Meredith came down last night and brought her kitties. I love them but I need to go to a pharmacy and buy some allergy medication pronto. Also, one of them seems to have vomited in front of the bathroom and I've decided that it's not my problem. Not what you want to wake up to, I guarantee it.

I love my job so far and I love training for it. I just wish I could stay awake.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Make Sure You Keep Your Bunkbeds Made

Current Song: "Black Swan" -- Thom Yorke

I started my real job today. The good news is that I'm in training from now until at least the end of June. The really good news is the unprecedented awesomeness of this job. There is someone on the payroll whose job it is to schedule appointments for clients to see me, and someone else on the payroll whose job it is to check them in. It makes me feel like such a tremendous badass to know that there are two people to go through before you get to me. They hired five new counselors, and I'm the only one coming straight out of college with no experience, which scares the hell out of me but makes me feel invincible at the same time. I've been chronically underemployed my entire life and I'm scared to work at a job that's actually a challenge, but here we are. Thanks, college!

On the downside, training takes me more than an hour to get to by bus, so I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning. This does not make for a happy Keli, especially since I have to do eight hours of classroom training on getting up at 5:30 and having no caffeine all day. You try it and tell me how it works out for you. For me, I fell asleep several times during training today, so I hope I didn't miss anything important. It was the kind of falling asleep where you don't realize you've done it until you wake up again. The worst kind. It happened on the bus this morning too but thank God I woke up in time to get off.

I have to try to remember to bring a lunch tomorrow. Boo.

We've Still Got Our Health

Current Song: "Red Right Ankle" -- The Decemberists

I'm leaving for my new job in nine minutes. I am dying without coffee and yet here we are. Luckily when I start actually working -- not training -- I won't have to get up quite this early.

Also, dressing "business casual" is harder than it sounds.

I don't know what I'm doing for lunch or even how long I'm going to be at work today.

I don't know what I'm doing in a real job. I'm terrified that everyone will discover that I'm living a lie and I'm grossly unqualified to do anything useful.

I really, really have to focus today to make sure I don't fall asleep on the bus. That would be a disaster.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Hey Man, That's Dynamite

Current Song: "Nobody" -- Johnny Cash

I'm using the oven for the first time since I moved in and it's a perplexing puzzle but I think I've got it figured out. I walked to the SuperTarget and bought a baking sheet today so I could finally cook the food I have, which tends toward the frozen-tater-tots end of the spectrum. I wish I had access to television so that my sad little night would be complete, but I'll have to keep sticking with DVDs. I'm watching season two of 3rd Rock From The Sun these days, and that's good enough.

I am absolutely filled with terror about starting my real job tomorrow. I've been trying to find information on the certification exams I have to pass in the next six months, and there's nothing, so I sure hope they go over it sometime in training. Also, I have to commute to the main office tomorrow which will take an hour or more, just to add to the anxiety burden.

If I had clients on the first day I wouldn't even show up to this job. The best part about this is that I'm not the only new person they hired, so at least I'm not trying to navigate all this alone.

And It Just Says "These Guys"

Current Song: "And She Was" -- Talking Heads

Well, against all odds, I passed both classes and am a real live college graduate. I almost can't believe I got away with that. I stopped going to classes somewhere around January. And, in my Family Policy class at least, the less I attended class the higher my test scores got. Thanks, college!

I just got back from a house party in small town Wisconsin. It took me a while to realize it but I had been to that party so many times before. It was fun when I was 17 but these days, I just want to be at home in bed.

I forget that you can't see stars in the city. I guess I never look up these days.

Friday, May 16, 2008

She Sells Seashells By The Etc.

Current Song: "Snakes Got A Leg III" -- Sunset Rubdown

Went out drinking, did not stick to the four-or-less plan. Made a run-by on Cat Pond's party, had an unsatisfying conversation with people I still love against my better judgment, drank more. Was insulted by a reference to Family Circus. Hitched a ride home, thank God. Continued platonically loving Charlie and people like him. Didn't take flattery well, made some bad phone calls, etc. The usual.

All in all, I'm terrified to go to work on Monday.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Should I Call You Or Nudge You?

Current Song: "Blue Light" -- Bloc Party

Well, the good news is that unless I massively failed my final this morning (and I don't think I did), then I for sure passed my Family Policy class. Which is great news because that was the one that would be a real issue in trying to make it up. I still have no idea how I'm doing in Family Resource Management and I won't know until my grade posts. It depends on how much of our grade was attendance-based, I guess. Ah, well.

I'm graduating tonight, in name at least, and that's kind of crazy to think about.

I like that there's a lot of positive changes in my life right now but the feeling of free-swinging instability is really putting me on edge. I'll be better off with furniture, I'm sure of it.

I have to entertain my family for the day and I'm not totally sure how to accomplish that. Mall of America here we come, I guess.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Like My Life Never Will

Current Song: "One Week" -- Barenaked Ladies

My family is coming to visit tonight. I am totally out of food, so I hope they weren't counting on being fed. Pretty much all I can eat for the day is a bag of microwave popcorn, which I already ate. I didn't ration well.

I can only tolerate other people's mental illness for so long, so sorry if I've been pitiless lately. I hope you can get it together.

Also, I have a headache. Probably from all the popcorn and not enough water.

I want to go back to sleep.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Please Don't Think I've Left You Alone

Current Song: "Strangers in the Wind" -- Cut Copy

Cut Copy is good music for when you don't really want to think about the music. It's very New Wave.

My parents and my little sister are coming to Minnesota tomorrow for my college graduation. I am more stressed out about that than I am about the possibility/impossibility of graduating. Especially now that I'm living like a hobo out of bags in my unfurnished house. I should at least get all my boxes of food off the floor of the hallway and into the kitchen before they show up, I guess.

Today was the second to last day of my job, and I'm sad about it. I hope my new job is just as good or better.

Is this week over yet?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I Cried Foul At My Love Gone Forever

Current Song: "Capaldi" -- The Court & Spark

I'm sad that this band broke up. I've been listening to the album "Hearts" a lot lately and it's pretty incredible.

Saint Paul is kind of lonely, but I'm alright. I only have about two weeks to brave it anyway.

I have to figure out how to get to work tomorrow from here. That'll be an adventure.

We bought two comfortable chairs from Craigslist and they are sitting in the living room now, but we don't have a TV so there's no point to going out there and sitting in them. This is the major dilemma of my life, or at least the one I'm choosing to focus on.

In the autobiography of one of Andy Warhol's Factory Girls, the author notes that Warhol's photographer, who lived in a closet, disappeared one day and left a note that said "I'm fine, just gone." For some reason that speaks to me deeply.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

I Won't Even Mind

Current Song: "When I Go Deaf" -- Low

I'm sitting in my enormous room in my new house typing this on my free internet. This was a long, soggy, dirty, nerve-wracking day. Totally worth it.

This is the first day of the rest of my etc.

Friday, May 09, 2008

So Come Back To Your Old Black Sheep Man

Current Song: "Get Big" -- Okkervil River

Over the next 10 days or so, I am moving, graduating from college, leaving a job I love, and starting a new job. So forgive me if I seem a little on edge lately or if I don't seem to want to hear about how you're stressed out about planning your vacation.

On the plus side, Rodrigo is an angel.

In the minus column, I haven't eaten yet today, it's 5 PM, and I don't want to cook anything I'll have to wash up after. And my choices are pizza or burritos, both of which I ate yesterday. And I forgot to go to the bank. And there's still packing to be done. And I'm overwhelmed by thinking about all the stuff I'll need to buy just to start living in my house. For example, a shower curtain. And a microwave. And toilet paper (although I'll probably just steal the last roll from here, since I paid for it.)

Also, I'm going to be living in a furnished room in an otherwise empty house because I have nothing. That's like circus creepy.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

I Can't Do This On My Own

Current Song: "A Hand To Take Hold Of The Scene" -- Okkervil River

Okay, new thing to stress about: getting someone to move into this shithole so I can get out. I have basically until June 1st to find someone because rent is paid up until then, but having showings is almost as stressful and going to them.

I'm so tired. I finished my last two papers forever. They both kind of suck. God, please let me pass this semester so I don't have to keep doing this. I am not capable.

I have to pack and move by Saturday. This is a source of much stress and strain in my life. Thank God for new sleeping pills. Also, this reminds me of something...oh yes, that's it:

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The Cut On My Toe Itches

Current Song: "Munich" -- Editors

Dear Pants Island: please come rescue me from this shithole that is blacker than black. This apartment is like living in the bottom of a working outhouse.

I'm trying new sleeping pills starting tonight. I hope they will make me forget you until I'm far enough away that it doesn't matter if I remember. You're a soul-sucking monster that I can't stay mad at.

I don't feel good again and it's making me sad and angry.

I might skip DeVotchKa tomorrow night to finish my last papers of the semester, which are due Thursday. I meant to work on them today but I was gone, or too sleepy, or embroiled in a bitter entanglement with you. You know, the usual.

I really don't want to do the next couple of weeks.

Stick To Fishing From Now On

Current Song: "Jesus' Arrest" -- Jesus Christ Superstar

That's one final down, two papers and another final to go, and then I'm done with college. Unless I fail. Which I haven't ruled out. Also, the papers should not be difficult. I just have to manage my time well, and then actually go to class and turn them in, which I don't anticipate being a blast, but whatever.

It is an absolutely beautiful day out today and I don't have a yard or anything with which to enjoy it. I'm locked up in my concrete tower yet again, because getting out and enjoying the day requires too much planning for me. I don't have the wherewithal to organize a trip to some green space.

I managed to drag myself out to the gym today to clean out my locker. I thought about exercising and then I chuckled and didn't. At least I got my mp3 player back. Our new house is about a block from a yoga studio and we're thinking about joining once we get settled. I, for one, could not be more in favor of this plan.

It's a damn good thing I woke up from my nap last night and did some reading for the test I took this morning, because I would have grossly, grossly failed it if I hadn't.

I have cramps and my head hurts and I'm tired. I wish I was done with today but I have an appointment with my shrink at 4pm to discuss the balance that I can't seem to find between binge eating and getting enough sleep. I can't believe how much weight I've gained recently.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

It Was So Easy

Current Song: "Don't You Want Me" -- The Human League

Meredith and I signed our lease on our house today! It's in Saint Paul, reasonably close to my job, in a nice neighborhood about halfway between Grand Avenue and Midway. And the house is just gorgeously amazing, roomy, filled with awesomeness like a 3-season porch and a patio out back and the suches.

I've spent so much money this weekend, it's actually crossed the line into a Problem.

I went and saw Jesus Christ Superstar starring Ted Neeley (the original Jesus) and Corey Glover (the lead singer of Living Colour) as Judas. It was SERIOUSLY GREAT. Ted Neeley's voice is a gift from God, and the scenes where Jesus tears up the temple and when he prays in Gethsemane were life-altering. I broke out in goosebumps. A thoroughly excellent show, which we followed with a dangerously delicious dinner at the Bulldog. Today was just a good day.

I slept on my friend Nikki's floor last night (she has an unbearably narrow leather couch that was about six inches too short for me) and my legs have hurt all day. Also I only got about three hours of sleep because we were up late. So I'm going to bed once I burn all these CDs that Robby just gave me.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Is This Over Yet?

Current Song: "Exit Music (For A Film)" -- Radiohead

Ok, waking up to a vaguely threatening voicemail from That Guy has officially become a terrifying nuisance. It's a good thing this happened so close to when I can change my address and phone number. Dear Men Everywhere: If she hasn't answered the phone or responded to texts or voicemails in three weeks, you should probably give up the chase. Just a friendly word of advice from your neighbor, Women.

Today we failed. Hopefully tomorrow we can at least partially succeed. Wouldn't that be a nice change of pace?

Also, this makes me happy:

Soft As Fontanelles

Current Song: "The Crane Wife, Pts. 1 & 2" -- The Decemberists

I keep being overwhelmed by coughing fits, which is a tad unpleasant.

I'm working up to showering and making breakfast. I've been working up to it for three hours.

Last night I forgot how to sign my name so I just scribbled something crazy on my credit card receipt and called it a night. We all thought it was pretty hilarious.

Lately my typing skills have really suffered and I don't know if it's because I'm having finger tremors or if my brain isn't working at full capacity. Or both. God only knows.

I'm supposed to have a fun weekend this weekend, so really I'm waiting on the fun to begin. I hope the fun begins for you too.

I Gave My Life To You And I Can Live With That

Current Song: "Skip Divided" -- Thom Yorke

Mission Codename: Half-Assed Sobriety
Status Update: Successful

I tried my first venture out tonight into the world of drinking in bars that surrounds us all, and I managed to keep it to three beers and a martini. And some of us were being exceptionally sweet and awesome about the whole management process. Jesus Christ I love you guys; where were you my whole life when all I had was trouble?

I was marginally forthcoming on the That Guy situation, only because he called me in mixed company. I made it clear that there was a situation and that I'm changing my number because of it, but that's all I would disclose. I don't need to put my problems on display now, just the solutions.

I'm cautiously optimistic that things are going to work out, but I wish these debilitating panic attacks would go away. It's not fun to be just sitting around not doing much and then suddenly realize your heart is caught in a vise and you can't stop shaking. I'm constantly (CONSTANTLY) on the verge of tears and that really wears you down after a while.

Come on, May 14. You are the answer to years of prayers.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

You're Just Too Good To Be True

Current Song: "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" -- Muse

Well, apparently I pushed it too far and now I'm in a cold pit of fear and doubt which completely prevents me from going to class. I tried to go this morning, got as far as showering, had a shaking, not breathing, chest-pain-filled panic attack, and decided to stay home. I emailed my professor and asked her to cut me a break and take the essay via email, but if she says no, I still have to go all the way out to St. Paul sometime before 4pm. And I allegedly have an apartment showing today, also, although I wrote to ask if they accept pets and I haven't heard back. If they don't then I'm not even going to look. This is a portrait of my life right: too many loose ends, and me in the middle, shaking.