Thursday, July 31, 2008

I Think The Second Movement Has Too Many Violins

Current Song: "Broken Chord Can Sing A Little" -- A Silver Mt. Zion

I'm counseling people online and I've discovered that everyone in America is an idiot. This is not my favorite thing in the world. I need to get a job with less public contact.

I had a minor setback on the whole not-getting-so-fat-I-need-a-Rascal situation when I sat here and ate all of the Kit-Kats I had out for clients. I have no impulse control. Now I have a headache from all the chocolate.

I'm apparently going to Chicago tomorrow? That's a little insane.

I really want to go home right now, but I don't think I can get away with it.

I sleep and sleep and it's never enough.

My hip has mostly stopped hurting. Possibly it's the absolute handfuls of ibuprofen I've been ingesting since Monday.

Oh my God I just want to GET OUT OF HERE. Out of the Cities, out of my office, away from my cat that never stops yelling, away from the horribly long bus commutes full of people who smell funny or stare at me or ask me if I'm pregnant when it turns out I'm just fat. I'm going to disappear into a crowd of hopeless hipsters this weekend and I'm pretty excited about that.

P.S. Even though my cat never stops yelling, he's awfully good at kitty snuggles.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Controlling My Feelings For Too Long

Current Song: "Showbiz" -- Muse

Instead of cleaning, I ran unnecessary errands and then ate a lot of Chinese food. And couldn't stop bitching about how every shred of my being hurts. What's wrong with me? It's gotten pretty fucking old.

Also, I tend to swear a lot when I'm in pain. Sorry.

I bought all the ibuprofen today, so that'll help.

I wish the knot of muscle under my right ear would go away so I would stop thinking about tearing my own head apart with my own hands just to get some blessed, blessed relief.

I think I might miss Heath Ledger.

I wish I could stay up past 9:30 in the fucking evening. I'm failing at this game of Life.

My Hips Don't Lie

Current Song: "Stumble Then Rise On Some Awkward Morning" -- A Silver Mt. Zion

Ok, my petty bitching about pain has turned into something of a pain management emergency. I was walking to my second bus stop downtown today when I noticed that walking seemed to relieve something of the pain in my hip. I am wearing relatively comfortable shoes, and the weather was not unbearable, so I walked the mile from my bus stop to my office. During this time the stiffness in my hip receded, which was quite nice. However, once I got to work and sat down, a white-hot bolt of pain has inserted itself vertically into my left hip, circling around from my lower back and shooting bolts of electricity down my left leg to the knee, where it settles in a burning fiery band around the bottom of my thigh. Just a few minutes ago I got up to visit the ladies' room and realized that most of the left side of my body is inflexible and sore.

Being that I can't leave work over mysterious pain that has been haunting me since about 2001 but never seems to be diagnosed as anything specific, I sorted through my purse and pulled out all of my prescription bottles. I had one (1) tablet of cyclobenzaprine, thank god. I took it with three (3) tabs of ibuprofen, and a propranolol just for kicks. On top of the allergy pill, Wellbutrin, Ativan and four (4) tabs of Tylenol I took when I got up this morning. And the Prozac I took last night. So, everyone, be aware that I might not be myself today but rest assured that it is an actual emergency.

I am tired of this bullshit. I need a telepathic doctor who can jump into one day of the physical pain I constantly have to deal with, so that they can start taking this shit seriously and doing something about it. At the very least I need a doctor who has some natural curiosity and the capacity to investigate what it is so that maybe I don't end up taking all the pills or sitting in my office crying over how much my leg hurts. Seems like all the doctors I see just want to pass it off to someone else or write it off as nothing important. I've been through so many tests, x-rays, ultrasounds, blood draws, you'd think they'd know everything there is to know now, but here I sit, in crippling, jaw-clenching, fiery pain, and - yep, there's no one here to do anything about it.

Forgive me for my nihilism, but fuck the world and everything in it.

The Sheriff Tracked Me Down

Current Song: "A Stone" -- Okkervil River

I miss you, asshole. I wish you weren't insane so we could go back to being relatively normal friends. Failing that, I wish I could forget about you entirely.

Speaking of which, you, the other one, you need to get your shit together and stop hating me for trying to steal your girlfriend when I clearly wasn't. For Christ's sake, can't I just have normal fucking friends?

My head, neck, and hip hurt today. So this is going well. I need a massage and some Oxycontin.

Also, "They Won't Let Me Run" by John Vanderslice is REALLY AMAZING. Seriously, go get it. I think it's on hitsfromthecar.

Everything about me hurts and I just want to lay down and cry until I fall asleep. Instead I have to go to work and tell people in a way that doesn't make them kill themselves that they don't have any options because they fucked up big-time. Seriously, $50,000 in gambling debt, what do you think I can do with that?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Lay The Sod O'er Me

Current Song: "If You Leave" - Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark

It's too hot to be this early in the morning.

I woke up with a headache and I don't care for that at all.

Somebody needs to come here and clean up because I want to throw money at this problem instead of confronting it directly.

I'm counseling someone again today without supervision. I love this shit.

Also, Johnny Cash's "I Hung My Head" is a fucking amazing, soul-ripping song that reminds me of No Country For Old Men for some reason. I miss Johnny Cash.

I've got to go to work. I did the math on how many hours will be on my upcoming paycheck and it's just good news.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Tends To Make One Part So Broken-Hearted

Current Song: "Dirty Orchestra" -- Black Violin

Exciting things I'm doing on a Monday night:

* Sweeping the kitchen, including enough cat hair from under the radiator to make another cat.

* Moving money from checking to savings.

* Downloading free mp3s from Amazon. Most of what they're offering is crap but I managed to pull some Silver Jews and The Apples In Stereo.

* Thinking about ripping my cat's vocal cords right out.

* Ripping music from CDs to my hard drive. Newest acquisitions are Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds "Abattoir Blues/The Lyre Of Orpheus"; Pinback "Blue Screen Life"; Saxon Shore "The Exquisite Death of Saxon Shore"; and A Silver Mt. Zion "He Has Left Us Alone But Shafts OF Light Sometimes Grace The Corner Of Our Rooms". That last one is AMAZING, if you can see the beauty in ambient noise and you enjoy the work of Godspeed! You Black Emperor.

* Complaining about my headache and the fact that I have cramps so badly that I think one of my hips is dislocated. I need Oxycontin or Percocet or something.

* Avoiding the hideous depressing mess that is my room.

* Reading "Harper's Encyclopedia of Mystical & Paranormal Experience". The passage on doubles (doppelgangers) was terrifying. I don't want to run into my exact double, especially since it allegedly heralds imminent death. Also, that would just be awkward. Plus I'd have to know what I look like from behind, and no woman needs that.

* Singing out loud, but that's what I'm doing all the time. This morning I was walking around singing George Michael's "Faith" and I kept getting weird looks from other people on the sidewalks. Fuck you, Saint Paul, I got the music in my soul.

* Loudly complaining about how ludicrously hot it is in here. In high school our theater department did a production of Neil Simon's "Lost In Yonkers" and at one point Bella explains that the electric fan "just makes the hot air go faster and faster" and that's ALWAYS in my head when I'm hot and the fan's on.

I've got to go to bed, I have clients tomorrow.

Jesus Christ, my hip hurts.

I Never Hated You, Stop Telling People Lies

Current Song: "The Underdog" -- Spoon

I rock my job so hard it hurts. I just told someone to declare bankruptcy and she still left with a smile on her face. Maybe I am born to do this shit.

The MN Wild REALLY want me to have season tickets and I REALLY want them too but I just can't quite justify the expense. Maybe next season?

I really need to clean my room but whenever I get home I'm just so damn tired. I really need to make a doctor's appointment to talk about my endless fatigue. I'm starting to think it's a problem that needs to be addressed, before I collapse and die.

I need to stop drunk-dialing everyone. Especially you? Since WTF we're barely friends? I gotta get a handle on some shit. To be fair, my obvious drinking problem has become slightly less obvious lately, thanks to people watching my back and the fact that I live a million miles from anywhere. So I'm not as worried as I used to be, which is important.

Also, you got no fear of the underdog, that's why you will not survive.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Kill Me

Current Song: "Let's Get High" -- The Court & Spark

That was the sound of the shit hitting the fan.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Waiting In The Wings

Current Song: "Up On Your Leopard, Upon The End Of Your Feral Days" -- Sunset Rubdown

Much wine was drunk (drank? drinked? how do I not know how to conjugate this verb?) last night. Much mayhem ensued (census?) Many apologies if I called/texted you last night either to say I love you or to get a ride home. Or both.

I spent most of today sleeping off a hangover that I am just hitting the renewal button on tonight, most likely.

I was just warned quite sincerely and by someone who knows that I need to get a handle on some shit or I will end up in rehab. Just like she did. That is advice I am willing to take to heart.

There's so much cleaning that needs to be done in here.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Run From The Memory

Current Song: "Oxford Comma" -- Vampire Weekend

I seem to be losing my voice for some reason and I don't approve of that. I've noticed that I can't spend an hour and a half talking to a client without bursting into coughing more than once. This is a little ridiculous. I think I might cough when I'm nervous.

I'm counseling folk today in Minneapolis with someone new, so that'll be exciting. At least I got to sleep in.

Somebody remind me to call Ivy today when I find out what's happening tonight.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Radium Water Worked Fine Until His Jaw Fell Off

Current Song: "This Modern Love" -- Bloc Party

My trivia team inexplicably took 3rd last night even though it seemed like we didn't know shit. Special thanks to Leslie for randomly knowing the name of the announcer on Jeopardy, to Greg for randomly knowing the name of that guy with the question-mark suit on late night TV, and to me for randomly knowing all six weapons in the game Clue, including the wrench, which is what threw everyone else off.

I somehow managed to consume four ciders last night, which wasn't as bad as it could have been, but did give me quite the headache. Boo.

I have to be supervised by my boss's boss today and it fills me with terror even though he's an exceptionally nice person.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

If You Come, Come Alone

Current Song: "Faith (Album Version" -- George Michael

I inexplicably miss you today.

I need a tailor for some of these new clothes.

I'm wearing hot pink footless tights with silver ballet slippers in addition to my relatively conservative office wear, because I fucking hate dress codes. I just don't like being told what to do.

I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning, especially when my cats curled up on me and kissed my nose.

I could use a massage and a haircut. I might not be able to get either of these things until my daytime schedule frees up a bit in September.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Trying Hard To Keep My Hands Behind My Head

Current Song: "Thanksgiving Grey" -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

Ok, nobody likes me when I'm angry, and given history and folklore, there's a lot of good reasons for that. That being said, stop doing things to piss me off/fill me with venomous rage/make me eat junk food nonstop even though I'm not hungry.

I understand a whole thing, I do, but the secret is to let me know it's turned into a whole thing BEFORE I start thinking about drinking in the morning because I don't know how to handle my emotions. I don't need this shit, and neither do you.

I bought $300 worth of respectable clothing from Target yesterday without trying any of it on. This morning I went through several outfit combinations before it occurred to me that I am spherical and I will never look good in any clothes, ever. On further reflection, it turns out I'm PMS-y and carrying some water weight, so this is a problem that may be resolved. If I can stop ordering and eating entire pizzas for lunch.

In sum, this week I am angry, so you should probably stay right the hell away from me unless you've only got good news and/or food.

Back to counseling folks over the internet.

Monday, July 21, 2008

I Guess I'm Kind Of Sensibly Enraged

Current Song: "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" -- The Smiths

I'm trying to keep my tendency to panic in check even though I am at a communications impasse, apparently, and I don't want to file a missing persons report on you. It's not hard to text me or something and say you're still alive, is it? I promise I'm not mad, I just have to reschedule some things if you're gone for a while.

I had two great appointments today at work, but then at the end of the day I got in trouble for violating the dress code by showing too much of my nice rack. And if they think this shirt is too racy, I have absolutely nothing appropriate to wear. So I shopping-spreed at Target and spent a million dollars on reasonably conservative professional clothing, but I still think dress codes are utter bullshit and so I'm just filled with spitting rage even though I see their point.

Frankly, a lot of things are trying my patience today. Up to and including the fact that I had to empty the cat box AGAIN and it's disgusting.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Now All These Cameras Focused On My Face

Current Song: "Westfall" -- Okkervil River

Amazon shopping spree, that's what I did with my day. Total acquisitions: 5 books, 5 CDs, 2 DVDs. Total damage: $171.50. Shipping is the killer on this one. I haven't been on a spree like this since I was taking a lot of painkillers and kept buying books about religion and then forgetting about it, so every day was like Christmas. It's fun to look forward to getting the mail.

Everybody's Happy

Current Song: "R.E.V.U.L.S.I.O.N." -- The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up

It's hot and humid even though it's raining and frankly, this, I don't need.

I'm so excited about not having to get up tomorrow morning.

I fell asleep last night at 5:00 PM and was effectively asleep until about 7:00 this morning. That's what I get for being old and still thinking I can stay out late.

I'm hungry and my cat is yelling again. Also my head hurts. It's a great day.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Why So Serious, Son?

Current Song: "Sons & Daughters" -- The Decemberists

Ok, the new Batman movie is, it's just great. It actually made me sad that Heath Ledger died, in a way that my callous heart did not expect.

On the downside, I saw it at the 12:04 AM showing. There was a mechanical failure at quarter to 2:00, so we didn't get out of the movie until 3:00 AM. I finally got to sleep around 4:00. Then my alarm went off at 6:30. This plan seems like it's pretty tenuously holding together around the tattered shreds of my sanity.

I might have to resort to coffee and just accept that it will make me sick/kill me. I have three clients that I promised to work with today, and I will need all the focus I can get.

I may have to barricade myself in my office and take a nap.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

My Body Is Your Body

Current Song: "Doing All The Things That Won't Make Your Parents Proud" -- The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

I'm sick of my limbs shaking and twitching randomly. This morning my hand jerked into an open bottle of ibuprofen that I desperately need and spilled half of it all over the living room. And try picking pills up off the floor with shaking hands. Now I'm having trouble typing because I randomly hit the same letter a few times in a row when my fingers go to town. I wish my central nervous system would either give up and collapse or give up and get better. The half-assed state of shutdown I'm in these days is just annoying.

Even I'm impressed by how messy my room is right now.

I'm going to see the midnight (well, 12:04 AM) showing of the new Batman tonight. I've been waiting for this one to come out since the credits rolled on the last one. I don't know what it is about the Christian-Bale-as-Batman movies that I love so much, but they really speak to me.

I didn't get enough sleep and I don't feel well this morning. I'm glad I'm going to work because it's too hot to stay home, though.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

We Are Living In A Physical World

Current Song: "Magic Vs. Midas" -- Sunset Rubdown

I've done practically nothing at work today. I got so bored I counseled somebody. I think that says a lot about my day.

I ate too much candy and now I don't feel great.

I'm tired of coming home to an empty house.

This one's for Maggie, this one's for Sam
This one's for Maggie, this one's for Sam
Or any random spirit lover, busted
I have lusted after you
The way bloodsuckers do.

It amazes me how many young Americans there are who've never heard of Lollapalooza. At the very least, didn't they see that Simpsons episode where Homer joins the freak show? What's happening to this country? Damn kids.

Fuck it, I'm going home to stare at my cats again. And again and again, because it's all I ever do.

In My Heart I Am Awkward

Current Song: "Song For Clay (Disappear Here)" -- Bloc Party

This morning is already incredibly annoying. I hopped on the wrong bus (67 vs. 62) to get from downtown to my office this morning. The bus I was on was going in the right direction and I knew passed my stop, so I figured I was alright. Approaching my usual stop, I pulled the stop cord and the bright "Stop Requested" sign at the front lit up. The bus, however, doesn't stop there because it turns at that intersection, so I figured hey, I'll get off at the next stop. Meanwhile the bus driver is getting chatted up by some fat kid that used the phrase "chillin' like a villain" non-ironically. Then:

Bus Driver: [blows past three stops without even slowing down]
Me: [starting to panic] Hey, do you stop at any of these stops?
BD: [looks up at the clearly lit Stop Requested sign, then back at me] What?
Me: [losing patience] I SAID, do you stop. At any. Of these stops.
BD: [in a high-pitched and injured tone] Well, yeah, if there's somebody at 'em.

I did not say "So the Stop Requested sign is just for decoration, then?" I did not say "Maybe you should pay attention to your job instead of this fat kid." I did, however, request to get off the bus, and then call her a moron as I was exiting. Because, in my heart, I am both a coward and a stuck-up bitch.

Anyway, then I had to hike most of a mile back to my office in flip-flops. And I don't know if you were out at 8:00 AM, but it is damned humid this morning. At least I made it before the rain comes.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

It's Plain To See

Current Song: "Engine Driver" -- The Decemberists

I'm too fat to wear these pants, but I'm hoping they stretch before anyone gets a really good look at me.

My cat is mad at me for locking him on the porch last night, but he just wouldn't stop yelling and I needed sleep.

Speaking of which, I could use more sleep. Mmm, sleep, so much sleep. You're all I want in the world.

I've had heartburn consistently for like the last two weeks. Now this is combined with random abdominal pain. If I wasn't so sure otherwise, I'd think I might be pregnant.

Monday, July 14, 2008

That Reminds Me, I Have To Contact Rodrigo

Current Song: "Colt Stands Up, Grows Horns" -- Sunset Rubdown

Well, I had a job freakout over nothing. Turns out I'm only counseling online this week. All week. Aaaaaaaaall week. I'm not saying I'd trade the tedium of Counselor On-Line for the terror of just Counselor, but still, it's going to be a long week.

It was so freezing cold in my office today that I huddled up in a corner of my desk with my hands and face over a steaming cup of hot water just so that I didn't die of hypothermia. It was too cold to type. Then when I came back from lunch I attempted to rip the alleged thermostat off the wall. It started making a hissing sound and then the jet-blast of cold air that continually pours out of my ceiling vent stopped. So I may have broken something important but at least I'm no longer wishing for death.

The only CDs I have in my office right now are Arcade Fire's Neon Bible and Sunset Rubdown's Random Spirit Lover. Also The Good The Bad And The Queen but that's not getting heavy rotation. I'm sure my co-workers are getting annoyed by walking into the same like six songs every time they come by my door. On the other hand, both of these albums are so good. Spencer Krug's soaring vocals are beautiful in an off-beat way, Win Butler couldn't write a song I didn't love, and lyrically both of them are just stellar. Still, I could use some variety at this point.

Oh, I probably forgot to mention that I'm Counselor OnLine today but there aren't any online clients. So I have a lot of time to kill today. At least this gives me the option to leave a little early so I can go pick my Lollapalooza ticket up at my old apartment.

And Now I'm Late

Current Song: "A Stone" -- Okkervil River

I have an unhealthy relationship with Okkervil River, possibly mostly with this song.

I have a skinned-raw patch on the inside of the first knuckle of my right middle finger, and I finally figured out it's from twisting off bottle caps. This does not make me feel good about myself.

We're still playing the Ativan game at work because otherwise I'd be paralyzed, which is not an effective counseling method. Today I'm going to concentrate on A) not being so chatty, which I've been told comes off as off-putting, and B) not nervously laughing, which I've been told comes off as condescending. I think these are my biggest obstacles to effective counseling, besides the rather large roadblock that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about at any given time. Meredith has told me the secret is in acting confident, which seems simple but is the first truly helpful advice I've gotten in a while.

I'm going back to eating salads at work because I really need to do something about how hugely fat I am.

I miss my old job where I could listen to music all day and didn't have to talk to anybody. On the other hand, I do love this job and its attendant challenges. I'll be excited when it gets easier, as it inevitably will.

Oh shit, I've gotta go to work!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

You Can Laugh Your Spineless Laugh

Current Song: "Orchard Of My Eye" -- The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

I randomly downloaded this song because I liked the name of both the song and the band. Turns out it is excellent and now I am on the hunt for more. I picked up "Doing All The Things That Wouldn't Make Your Parents Proud," which is also good, but I'm probably going to have to buy an album.

I need to stop falling for people who are remarkably unavailable. REMARKABLY. I need to get out of the house more.

I don't want to go to bed because I don't want to go to work tomorrow. For someone with General Anxiety Disorder with Social Phobia, I have the most stressful job ever. Why did I think I could take a job with such a high level of public contact?

The bad news is I think I already need a vacation.

This Is Why I Need To Meet More People

Current Song: "Paranoid Android" -- Radiohead

I think I fell in unrequited love again last night. Apparently, it's just what I do. I'm not that worried about it.

I have to call my dad and Lila, in some order, but I'm having trouble collecting myself today.

I'm preparing to eat a pot pie that has 100% of my RDA of saturated fat. I hope it's as delicious as that makes it sound.

Dear Meredith: come home now. Living without a roommate makes me weird.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Morgan Freeman Is Going Through His Samuel L. Jackson Phase

Current Song: "Humans" -- Islands

Moments of insanity over. My cat will not stop yelling. He needs to get fixed and soon. I whacked the back of my head on the wall earlier and now I have a headache. I'm probably going to bed and it's not 11 on a Friday. I definitely went to bed at 9:00 last night. Then I was up at 3 AM for the crazy thunderstorm. I don't feel well and the popcorn chicken I had for dinner isn't helping. I also had Crispy Crowns and then I was sad for a while. Earlier I was overcome with sadness that George Carlin is dead. I loved that motherfucker.

Oh, and, I found my shoe. It was under my diploma, obviously.

A Moment Of Clarity

Current Song: "Stallion" -- Sunset Rubdown

Okay, season tickets cancelled. For now. Credit line increase stays, however.

Fire Makes It Go

Current Song: "Child-Heart Losers" -- Sunset Rubdown

The longer I work with people in real financial trouble, the less responsible I get about my own finances. I just requested (and got) a credit line increase on my credit card so that I could afford MN Wild Season tickets. Which I bought. Which cost almost $3000. Just for one ticket. But I have a kickass seat and I do love my team, so there's that.

So, the point is, don't expect to see much of me come hockey season.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I'm Still Missing A Shoe

Current Song: "So Come Back, I Am Waiting" -- Okkervil River

Oh, today was a long, long day. All the drugs I took this morning fried my brain so twice - TWICE - in the same appointment I looked at the client and said "What were we just talking about?" It did not inspire confidence, I assure you. Then I made a drug-addled trip to, apparently, the dollar store, where I bought everything fake-banana-flavored that I could find. Then I came home and had to clean up all the disgusting, disgusting messes from this morning. And the house smelled like bad tacos. Not a pleasant homecoming. Oh God, today, no.

When Jesus Washed All My Sins Away

Current Song: "Oh Happy Day" -- Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit Soundtrack

Wow, this has been a bad morning. My spine was killing me so I couldn't sleep past 4 AM. Plus the cats wouldn't stop yelling at each other. Then I was brushing my teeth and I randomly threw up a bunch of times (must have been the 12 tacos I ate for dinner. I had a brief lapse in judgment on the taco front.) That clogged the sink. Then I came out in the living room and saw that one of the cats had thrown up. Then I realized the litter box needs to be emptied. Then I lost one of my flip-flips to the mess that is my room. My spine is still killing me, and I have to go all the way out to Hopkins to counsel some clients today.

On the menu for today: Prozac, Wellbutrin, Ativan, muscle relaxants, Tylenol, Pepcid AC, and allergy medicine. We'll see, partners. We'll see.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Where Is The Laughter?

Current Song: "Broadway (So Many People)" -- Low

Everyone near the Capitol today was a freak. I saw some baby-mama-drama and a guy who was bartering sips of his brown-bag liquor for cigarettes. Also, I was surreptitiously staring at this real skinny girl that was standing across the street from my bus stop. She was wearing a skin-tight bright pink spandex tube-top dress and big pink hoop earrings, and I was trying to decide if she was a hooker or just had really bad taste. Then she got on the bus and ended up sitting next to me and that's when I realized she was a man. On closer inspection, it was all fake eyelashes, a wig, and butt padding. Go team America.

Also, I tried online chatting with the cute but hopelessly square boy I have a minor crush on at work, but it didn't really go anywhere. I keep hoping he has a secret desire for a bad girl to turn his life upside down. This seems less and less likely as time goes on.

I have to go counsel people in Hopkins tomorrow and I'd rather not. Sometimes the performance anxiety of my job just gets to me. Thank God for Ativan.

I Said "Can I Use That In A Song?"

Current Song: "The Taming Of The Hands That Came Back To Life" -- Sunset Rubdown

Apparently, left a couple extra bucks, some spare time, and an internet connection, I will join the young professional's group (Tempo) with the MN Opera and get subscription tickets to all 5 shows for the upcoming season -- including Faust and the Barber of Seville, both of which I'm totally excited for. Also I apparently get invited to Opera parties and nights out and whatnot. Plus I have seriously kick-ass seats for every show. Plus it was affordable ($120 for tickets to every show, $40 for the membership -- regular tickets to shows at the same seating level are $75.00 each). Remember how I always secretly wanted to be Frasier Crane? Well, this is the kind of shit I lust after.

Also, I'm hoping to meet people that are into that kind of thing. I don't have any opera friends now.

Anyway, I should be counseling people about their finances, not shopping for bargain opera tickets.

"I am good where I am, I am good where I am
But my God where I am, oh my God where I am."

Spencer Krug still speaks to me, even though he (and you) would rather never see me again.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

I'm Thinking Of Naming Him James Brown

Current Song: "Faust Arp" -- Radiohead

In what is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened, New Kitty came back. I woke up this morning to a note on the bathroom mirror indicating that he was waiting for me on the porch. And he was. And then I got kitty snuggles. If I wasn't so miserably sick, this would be the best day ever.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Better Living Through Chemistry

Current Song: "Careless Whisper" -- George Michael

Sick. So horribly, awe-strikingly sick. This, I don't need.

Oh, and for the record, today I went to work after taking Prozac, Wellbutrin, Ativan, allergy medicine, off-brand Dayquil, and two Aleve. We've decided that this explains why I stopped at Target on the way home and bought things like swordfish steaks and fresh raspberries. Everyone is surprised I'm not dead yet, every day.

With A Heart Of Gold

Current Song: "Counting Down The Hours" -- Ted Leo & The Pharmacists

Well, I did manage to get up and get dressed today, which is a good start. My head aches annoyingly and there's the whole throat/chest thing, but it's a sit-down job so maybe I'll be okay? If not at least I'm teamed with a supervisor all day so she can tell me to go home.

I'm mixing Wellbutrin (an upper) and Ativan (a downer) today in an attempt to get a combination that allows me to call clients and counsel them without crying or freezing in fear with my hand hovering above the phone. In addition to the desperate ohGodpleaseletmelaydown feeling I'll be entertaining all day. It's 7:15 AM and this is already going so well.

I should drag myself to the bagel place on West 7th to buy bagels for lunch. It'll be a nice break from having to walk all the way to the hospital for salad. That doesn't make a lot of sense to anyone but me, I think.

Somebody do today for me, please?

Sunday, July 06, 2008

There Are Two Colours In My Head

Current Song: "Everything In Its Right Place" -- Radiohead

I would love to call in sick to work, but it entails calling a bunch of people (receptionist, schedulers, supervisor, etc) and I'm just not up for it. Plus I have appointments tomorrow.

The good news is this has progressed into aching joints, adding to the delight of coughing and chest congestion and fever/chills. My wrists, elbows, and shoulders are killing me. Also my knees. Wtf, health?

Yeah, you probably should have just killed me when I asked.

Get A Handle On That

Current Song: The theme song to Extras.

I don't feel well at all and it's very tiring. Also, that cat is gone for good as far as we can tell. I'm laying around watching Series One of Extras and missing the casual swearing of British culture. I do not feel well.

I Am Human And I Need To Be Loved

Current Song: "How Soon Is Now?" -- The Smiths

Well, in a record-breaking failure on par with the sinking of the Titanic, New Kitty escaped through a screen door at 4:00 this morning and no amount of Meredith and I running through our neighbors' yards barefoot in our PJs was enough to catch him and bring him back. I'm pretty sure he's headed back to Apple Valley. This fact pisses me off to no end. I'm pretty glad that I managed to own a cat for less than 12 hours, most of which I was gone for. I am a hopeless mess.

Just Like Everybody Else Does

Current Song: "3rd Planet" -- Modest Mouse

So, to make a long story about the Taste of Minnesota short, in our attempt to get to Harriet Island Leslie and I hopped a security fence and walked quite far into a restricted area before a guy appeared pretty far away and started frantically waving at us to go back. Then these three guys came out of nowhere and ran toward us at full speed shouting "Run! Now! There's explosives everywhere!" Turned out we'd hopped the fence into the fireworks pit. We got escorted out by security (and one guy who took his job WAY too seriously who kept asking how we got in, which we refused to answer. Also, I was like "Pretty sure that if you're not going to blow up, I'm not going to blow up, so calm down.") Oh, also, just as we walked through the entrance to the Taste of MN, some guy came up and handed Leslie $25 worth of food and drink tickets. So now I'm taking her everywhere I go, because apparently she's cute enough to just get free shit.

In other words, I had a good night.

Also, I just broke up and annoying hissy cat fight between my new kitty and the orange kitty. They better get used to each other fast. Orange kitty keeps climbing on top of new kitty and just laying on him, which seems not very nice and also a little gay.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Everything That Holds Us Together Is Falling Apart

Current Song: "Your Lips Are Red" -- St. Vincent

My throat has hurt since yesterday and I suspect I picked something up while I was in the pharmacy. I love that I'm the kind of person who gets sick from going to the doctor.

I'm getting a new kitty today, allegedly.

I need to see more of you, seriously. All of you.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Many Times We've Shared Our Thoughts

Current Song: "Capaldi" -- The Court & Spark

I had a very long night of not sleeping and now my left ovary is doing that thing again. You know, that thing where the pain makes me want to kill myself. I took my last Vicodin but I think that was a bad choice, given that I'm headed to work to correct all the mistakes I made on Friday. Sometimes I wonder if I'm stupid, but then I just go back to watching TV.

On the plus side, I'm real crabby due to the enormously crippling pain in my lower left side, but the Vicodin should cheer me right up.

It's a goddamn good thing I don't have to go to work tomorrow. I'm so tired, so tired, so very tired.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Sleep-Texting: Welcome To The World Of Tomorrow

Current Song: "Calendar Hung Itself" -- Bright Eyes

We need to work on coordinating our schedules better. This being-alone bullshit is wearing thin.

I could really use a long back massage. My neck is giving me trouble again. Probably from all that sleeping in the van/sleeping sitting up during meetings. I am the worst employee ever.

Speaking of being the worst employee ever, I have to redo a counseling plan that I worked up for a client on Friday because apparently, according to my supervisor, every single idea I had was wrong. So that's relaxing.

I'm buying another kitty.

I'm waiting for the weekend.

I wish I had more painkillers.

The mosquito bite on my feet makes me wish I was dead.

Omg get out ofthere.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

I See A Mansard Roof Through The Trees

Current Song: "Mansard Roof" -- Vampire Weekend

Oh God, all I want to do is go back to bed, but instead I'm in Duluth until Wednesday night. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.