Wednesday, December 31, 2008

No One's Getting Out Of Here Alive

Current Song: "DOA" -- Foo Fighters

The horrible headache I've been trying to shake for two days was apparently me coming down with something that I expect to get worse over the next two days. I know this because I've been sick so often it's impossible to ignore this. Thus, instead of party-timing with kids I love and that awful Meesh person, I will be laying in bed at midnight and/or attending the countdown in Animal Crossing: City Folk. Yep.

In other news, I have no other news because I'm poor and alone. And I watched Dark City today and it's still great. Jennifer Connolley (I don't know how that's actually spelled) has some burly damn eyebrows when she lets them go, though. It's an odd look. See Labyrinth for more.

Also, it's confession time once again here at J'Accuse Mes Amies. I hate Sarah Jessica Parker. Hate her. Would cross the street to spit on her hate her. That being said, I am kind of horribly in love with the Bitten by SJP line of clothing. Not just because it's cute and affordable, but because EVEN THE PLUS SIZES ARE CUTE AND AFFORDABLE. Do you know how hard that is to find? I just offered a dealer on eBay $25.00 for a Bitten down parka and I'd be surprised if I didn't get it. That is shit of which has been previously unheard.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Including You.

Current Song: "Here's To The Halcyon" -- Old 97's

I love this shit.

I had to order a pizza because I am out of food.

I got patted down at the airport because I was hauling a George Foreman grill in my carry-on luggage. Also I forgot to take my cell phone out of my pocket before I went through the metal detector.

I have all the homemade sugar cookies.

I think you have pen15 envy. Remember pen15 jokes? I bet that's a pretty common password now. By which I mean everyone sucks.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Steady Your Boats, Arms To Shoulders

Current Song: "Sons and Daughters" -- The Decemberists

OK, NOW I'm going home for Christmas. Hopefully. Come on, weather front and NWA, don't let me down again.

Also, "I'm gonna go all Falling Down on everybody's ass" makes me laugh whenever I think about it.

Monday, December 22, 2008

When Abel Looked Up At Cain

Current Song: "Weird Fishes" -- Radiohead

This song has another, concurrent title, but I don't want to go look it up.

I finally got through to NWA and rebooked my flight for Christmas Eve, so at least I'll still be visiting my folks for Christmas.

I am going to Red Lobster now.


MY FUCKING FLIGHT WAS CANCELED. Will I be going home for Christmas this year? Stay tuned to our next exciting fucking bullshit stupid adventure!!
I HAVE TO LEAVE FOR THE AIRPORT IN ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AND I HAVEN'T PACKED. I'm not sleeping tonight, because we've been up watching movies (No Country For Old Men & The Orphanage) and playing Wii games. And eating KFC, which has given me a tummy ache.

Also, I hear Seattle is overcome with madness in the wake of their massive snowstorm, so THAT SHOULD BE A BLAST. Especially since it takes ~2.5 hours to get home in clear weather. Gay.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

We Together Make A Limb

Current Song: "Tranquilize" -- The Killers

My chocolate-scented glitter nail polish is so old that it no longer smells like chocolate. How do I still have this? It's gotta be at least seven years old by now, and I'm thinking that's low-balling it pretty hard. In any case, it still glitters and that's all I care about.

I've been down and out for a while (I know, surprise) and it totally destroyed any interest I may have had in dating. Now that I'm feeling a little bit better, all of a sudden I'm rabidly attracted to people again. This is not good news for my cute friends (all of them, seriously), as I'm embarrassingly forward and my targeting pool is limited. So, sorry everybody, if I'm hitting on you lately (...and I am. Whoops.) One day I'll snap out of my shit long enough to go hunting on other plains. Until then, you should probably be sleeping with me. For my health. You want me to be healthy, don't you?

I should be in bed. Tomorrow is Leslie/Nikki/Heather's Christmas party, at which I will attempt to remain sober. Sobriety sucks and is far harder than I want it to be, so I don't have a lot of faith in this, but whatever, we're going for it. Let's avoid involuntary rehab, shall we?

Friday, December 19, 2008

How'd It Get Burned?

Current Song: "The Opposite Of Hallelujah" -- Jens Lenkman

Several of my toes are swollen and painful, which makes it difficult to walk. The worst part is that I don't know what happened to them. I noticed it a couple weeks ago with one or two, and now it's nearly all of them. I've decided to add this to the rest of the evidence that I have a sleepwalking problem (not insignificant among that evidence is the fact that about two days ago I had a "dream" that I was standing in my shower, fully dressed, in the dark, and then the next thing I remember was that I woke up in bed. I haven't fully discounted the fact that I may actually have woken up in a fog while I was standing in the shower. At least the water wasn't on.)

I finally got that prescription from Target, thank God. My doctor called this morning to see if it was working out and I had to tell her I didn't have it yet. Luckily she is the most understanding person in the world.

I hung out at Jayme's tonight but we both called it quits when Chad accidentally overflowed their toilet. It was incredibly hilarious but it kind of killed the Christmas-movie-watching spirit. And I was so excited for "Jingle All The Way."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I Need A Neck Transplant

Current Song: "Your Sickness" -- Pinback

It really annoys me how credit card companies send out notices that say "we care about your security!" and then they advertise that they offer 0% liability on any purchases made by a card/identity thief. That's the law, assholes. You're not offering something you are legally restricted to. PS I hate you.

I also hate how every time, EVERY TIME, regardless of what the situation is, if I mention to my mother that I have money problems her immediate response is "I can't help you, I don't have any money either." I'M NOT ASKING FOR MONEY, I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT'S GOING ON. Jesus. She also likes to mix that in with messages about how I can always come to her for help. Those of you old enough to remember the Whole Thing after I had surgery and almost died of dehydration because I was so out of it and...well, if you remember, then you see why my mother is not the most reliable person in the world. I just wish she could tell the difference between a question (Hey, can I have some money?) and a statement (I have to pay rent soon.) Do YOU see the difference? Is it just me?

I spent most of the last two days playing Wii Sports and Rock Band guitar and now my neck has seized up on me in the most painful way possible. Plus stuff keeps happening just out of my sight-line so I jerk my head to look at it and then I cry for a while.

I absolutely have to go to the Target pharmacy tomorrow because I'm starting a new drug and when I tried to fill it today (my case manager drove me there but I dismissed him before it turned into a damn fiasco) I waited around for half an hour and then they told me that they had to order it from somewhere else and I'd have to come back tomorrow. The point of being driven to the pharmacy was to prevent situations like this, where I'm at a high risk of just not going. Fucking stupid ass bastards. Then as soon as I walked out of the store the bus went by, so I had to walk six blocks home in -17 weather. Today was for shit.

It's 4:10 in the morning. Allegedly the new drug will cut some of my mile-high anxiety and help me sleep, which I'm begging for at the point, because even with sleeping pills it's practically light out before I lose consciousness. I'm not one to call things gay,

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

This Lovecraftian Horror Is For You, Nikki

Now this is happening.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Sorry For The Screen Door Banging, Karl

Current Song: "Energy" -- The Apples In Stereo

I was going to go to bed, but I have to get up at 8 tomorrow to go to my shrink appointment and meet with my case manager, and if I take my sleeping pills now there's no way I'm going to make it, so I'm just awake, I guess. I spent most of the day playing Rock Band and Wii Sports, and I'm considering going back to it, because I'm kinda burnt out on the internet right now.

Also, bad things are happening to my ovaries. As in, Go Crimson Tide. The redcoats are invading. I've fallen to the communists. I am a subject of the Red Right Hand. Etcetera.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sometimes I Need Your Revelation

Current Song: "2+2=5" -- Radiohead

I accidentally didn't get up until 4 PM. Part of that was that I was smothered by purring kitties, and part of it was that I just wasn't ready to wake up yet.

The loss of the bitey part of my front tooth makes biting my fingernails pretty much impossible, so, closes door/opens window etc.

I need to grocery shop, urgently. I have enough food to last through today, maybe, and then I'm out. I'm going to shop online though because it snowed again and I still don't have an adequate winter coat. That makes living in Minnesota hard.

Gah, I'm kind of nauseous today and I don't love it.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

When The Man Comes Around

Current Song: "Orchard Of My Eye" -- The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

I woke up this morning thinking that someone was robbing me because I went to bed with all the lights in the house turned off and when I woke up every light was on. I was discreetly reaching for my phone to call 911 when I realized that it wasn't so much that the lights were on as that it was daylight. THAT would have been an embarrassing police confrontation.

I'm hungry and don't have any food. I should get more groceries. All week I've been thinking of things I need and not writing them down, which is going to backfire on me. And somebody convince me to stop buying eggs. I've thrown out at least three full, expired cartons, and I'm working on a fourth.

Also, I am afraid to bite or chew anything with my busted tooth, but using only the extreme left side of your mouth to eat is not very easy.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

This Is Not A Good Thing That Has Happened Here

Current Song: "Analyse" -- Thom Yorke

This whole tooth thing is ROCKING my anxiety levels. I can't stop obsessing about it. It's nearly 6:00 PM and I haven't eaten anything yet because I am afraid that all my teeth will crumble into dust the second I bite into something. This is maddening.

Why You Being A Dickhead For?

Current Song: "Dickhead" -- Kate Nash

I broke a damn tooth! A damn FRONT TOOTH! This is probably a consequence of habitually chewing ice and not going to the dentist for almost five years. I want to go, it's just not been possible. Also, I can't tell if I'm being paranoid or if there really is a whistling sound when I speak! I'm in hell!

Ok, seriously, this needs to be fixed. Maybe I can get some nice county dentures.

Also, this song contains the lyrics: "Think you know everything, you really don't know nothing. I wish that you were more intelligent so you could see that what you're doing is so shitty to me." I love that because I've thought exactly that at more than one person (but mostly one person in particular.)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I Am A Sleepy White Otter

Current Song: "Last Cast" -- The End Of The World

Shout out to the ever-repulsive and terrifying Jason for good advice about cardboard and the video about otters. I kind of love you.

My cat is being very pushy and demanding about wanting to curl up in my lap, and I'm busy. It's too cute to be annoying, but still.

This song is good enough that I want to buy their actual album, which is rare on the basis of one song.

I applied for what is basically welfare yesterday, so I hope that goes well. I expect student loan collection calls to start rolling in regularly sometime soon. I'm still not making any payments. I don't have any money to make payments with.

And as far as dinner requests go, I don't eat onions, green peppers, mustard, or okra, but every other food is fair game :)

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

A Super Awesome User's Guide To Living With Inescapable Mental Illness

Current Song: "My Body Is A Cage" -- Arcade Fire

I've kind of fallen into a gross depressed pit tonight, so skip this if you're sick of my whining.

First, don't ever say the following things to me:

"Smile!" (or, alternatively, "I bet you're a lot prettier when you smile.") Both of these and the variant, "Smile, it can't be that bad" are said with some regularity to me by complete and total strangers. I'm sure they're trying to be friendly, but OMG no.

"Are you stable?" When I got out of the hospital the first time, when I was 19, I moved back in with my parents for a while. They made a daily habit of asking me this question whenever I showed the slightest symptom of depression (i.e. not wanting to get out of bed until the afternoon.) I have a hard time imagining a question that is more condescending or antagonistic than this one. How the fuck do you even answer that? Especially when you're trying to AVOID other people's bullshit?

"Oh yeah, I've got depression too" or "I was depressed once" or "I know how you feel." Any person at all with the capacity for rational thought should realize where the problem is in these statements.

"How's the job hunt going?" Well, I stopped looking for work when I could no longer function outside my home. How do you think it's going, asshat?

"What did you do"/"Why were you in the hospital?" Believe me, you don't want to know these stories any more than I want to talk about them.

"You need to get out of bed" or "You need to get out of the house more" or "You can't afford to miss any doses of your meds" or basically any other advice, unless you are part of my care team. Recognizing what I need or don't need to do does not result in its accomplishment, it just results in making me feel bad for being so useless.

"You're scaring me" or "Now I'm worried about you" or "I worry about you all the time" or "I can't sleep because I'm worrying about you" or "I feel like a bad (mother/sister/friend/cartoon rabbit, etc) for not helping you sooner and/or taking care of you 24/7." Telling me this might make you feel better, and might in your eyes be an acceptable way to express your support, but a lot of my whole thing is that I feel like everyone would be better off without me and this kind of reinforces that. Then I have guilt to deal with, too. If you're genuinely worried about me, do something constructive. Call me up and invite me out, or come over and cook me dinner or do my laundry or do something else I'm incapable of taking care of. Email me and tell me off-color jokes or make inside-joke references. Buy me cartoons on DVD. Text me random things during the day. These kinds of things make me feel like you're glad I'm alive, not that your life would be easier without me in it.

And finally: "What are you going to do now?" I don't know. And that scares the hell out of me, so I'd rather not think about it at this time, thanks.

Part II: Revenge of the Wallabies

Let's all try a fun experiment. One day next week (pick one, it doesn't matter) you're going to try out being me for a day.

Preparation: Don't do your laundry or throw any trash away for at least one week. Leave things where they fall. At least three days before you begin the experiment, stop showering and brushing your teeth or combing your hair. Bonus points for staying in the same clothes for at least four days leading up to step I.

Step I: Don't get out of bed until at least noon. Bonus points if you make it to 2:00 PM or later. Even if you're not sleeping, lay there with your eyes closed, ignoring all biological or environmental stimulation (ringing phone, knock on the door, need to empty your bladder.) The only reason you should get up at all is if you are very thirsty, very hungry, or very seriously need to go to the bathroom.

Step II: Drink some water, eat some food*, use the restroom. Go back to bed immediately afterwards.
*Note: the only acceptable food is that which can be eaten out of the package or, if necessary, microwaved. If you have to use more than two dishes (including individual utensils), that food is unacceptable.

Step III: Lay in bed for a minimum of one more hour. If necessary, you can read a book or watch DVDs during this time, but don't concentrate too hard. Try to drift off into a nap.

Step IV: If you're doing it right, it should be late afternoon to early evening by now. Get up and eat again, if you're hungry. Same rules apply as before. If you don't have acceptable food, don't eat.

{Note that you should still be ignoring the phone and/or the door. Your explicit goal here is to avoid interacting with anyone else for the entire day. Feel free to talk to yourself, your pets, or inanimate objects. If you really need to communicate with someone, text them. Don't answer if they call back.}

Step V: Take a survey of all the things that need to be done around the house. Laundry buildup, sweeping/mopping, trash taken out, random objects/trash picked up off the floor and put away, unsorted mail on every available surface, overflowing kitty litter, etc.

Step V(a): Meditate on how much you suck. Fail to do anything, even bending over to pick up a paper towel that has fallen on the floor.

Step VI: You can do one of two things: Go back to bed, where you can think about how disappointing you are to everyone you know, take an inventory of your personal failures, and stare vacantly at the ceiling; OR sit in front of your computer, half-assed paying attention to your email and/or blog, taking an inventory of your personal failures, staring vacantly at the screen without awareness of what it says. Minimum time requirements for either of these tasks is four hours; in the case of the former choice, you may be there for the rest of the night.

Step VII: Realize that it's at least 1:30 in the morning and once again you've not bothered to get dressed, complete any hygiene tasks, do any housework, accomplish any goals, pay any outstanding bills, or leave the inside of your house for any reason, including to get the mail. Briefly make a note of how many days in a row this has been happening. Super champions at the game of My Life can rack up 12 or more.

Step VIII: Fuck it. Go back to bed. Leave the DVDs on while you're trying to sleep because you don't like silence. Restart the entire sequence tomorrow afternoon.

There, see, isn't that fun? It's a fucking blast to be me.

Anyway, sorry to drop that shit on you, but that's why I have a blog.

And He Likes To Shoot His Gun

Current Song: "Prog" -- Pinback

I took out the (multiple bags of) garbage today and discovered that the snow is ankle deep in my backyard. This was a surprise as I was just wearing pajama pants and they do not keep out the snow well. Also one of the bags of used kitty litter broke on the way out the door and I had to run it through the snow to the trash can. Not fun, but at least it provided traction on the way back.

I can't believe it's 8:30. I pretty much didn't do anything today at all, except the garbage/kitty litter work.

Also, does anyone know how big is "too big" for putting cardboard out on the curb to be recycled? And do I just plop it down in the snow or what? Life is hard.

Monday, December 08, 2008

I Can School You In Life Experience

Current Song: "Intervention" -- Arcade Fire

I know it surprises you every time I indicate that I've led an interesting life with experiences that regular people can't generally pin to their "accomplished" boards, but I doubt that you REALLY HAVE ANY IDEA exactly what that means. To help you out with your quest to Understand Me, I recommend you read this:


The short story is, I was locked up in PGH for eight days in July 2000, during the time of the gross abuse and neglect of patients that culminated in the fatal shooting of a non-English-speaking untreated epileptic by the Portland Police inside the facility a few months after I got out and ran screaming from the psychiatric establishment for several years, even when it could have been the most useful thing ever. I've seen this shit FIRST HAND, kids, including the staff's propensity to use unlawful isolation and restraints. Also their propensity to physically drag you out of bed and force you to go to group meetings. Anyway, this is some traumatic shit that I've been forced to think about lately, and it kind of sucks. At least they got shut down (less than a year after I left) for being an actual gateway to Hell. So I take solace in the fact that no one else has to put up with that.

There's a whole other incredibly traumatic story about how I ended up there, but I don't have the energy or desire to relate it now.

Anyway, I love it when people assume they're more worldly than me for whatever reason.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

I Think He Only Read The Words "Actual Travel Guide"

Current Song: "Parting Of The Sensory" -- Modest Mouse

I've started pitching ideas for articles for Cracked (well, I've sort of started, in that I only had one idea.) I'm into it because they pay actual money for accepted articles and it's not incredibly hard to write something acceptable. That being said, my pitch was rejected within about five minutes and I was told that "Cracked doesn't really publish articles like this." Rejection sucks but whatever, I'll keep working on thinking of something funny in list form, apparently.

Anyway, for your enjoyment/horror/denunciation of my name and family, here is the pitch that I submitted (required a title, a sample of the article, and a partial list of the list.):

Your Travel Guide To The X Sexiest Towns In America

I know "funny place names" is a done-to-death topic on the internet, so I am pitching the idea that I write an actual travel guide to towns with (specifically sexy) funny names. For example:

X. Beaver, OK

The approach to Beaver from the North is so breathtaking your hands are sure to shake. As you come up through the thickly-forested wilderness that surrounds the town on three sides, be sure to inhale the intoxicating scent of this rarely-touched overgrowth. Notice the little rivulets and springs that run through the narrow valley in the center of the town's perimeter, keeping the area rather humid for most of the year.

The biggest landmark in Beaver is the church steeple at the very North end of town, just past the edge of the forest. Although this church may look very inviting, if you dive right into it, you will miss the other, subtler pleasures that Beaver has to offer. We highly recommend that you begin by taking a slow, meandering wander around the edges of town, perhaps several times. Acquaint yourself with the friendly locals, who are likely to offer you hospitality and a slice of the town's trademark strawberry pie. Take your time out here.

After you have seen what the nooks and crannies of Beaver have to offer, we invite you to take a leisurely drive down Beaver's main strip. You'll find that this valley road, located deep within Beaver canyon, is an agreeably warm temperature in both winter and summer. We recommend that you spend a considerable amount of time exploring the caverns and exposed strata of the valley, as there is much to discover and enjoy. At the end of your valley tour, proceed slowly (but not too slowly!) to the steepled church. Notice how the sunset reflects off of the structure, turning it a deep blush pink. Take a deep breath (or two), and use both hands to open the heavy doors of the church and explore all the glories it has to offer. We promise that, once you've been to Beaver, you'll never want to leave.

X. Blue Ball, OH

Traveling alone? Then you'll love what Blue Ball has to offer you. The town is designed specifically with the single man in mind. Along the main strip, you'll find bars galore, from dives to classy places that only serve Manhattans and martinis. Each bar is staffed exclusively by young, perky, scantily-clad women who are happy to serve your needs, as long as they are restricted to drink service. The bars are also the local "hot-spots" for the area's large population of lesbians and married women, and local girls will not hesitate to accept drinks from you, slowly run their fingers down your spine and/or chest while dancing with you, and start make-out contests with you as elected judge. However, under no circumstances will any of these girls be interested in going anywhere with you, not even to the bar bathroom or the backseat of your Pontiac. Blue Ball girls take a special pride in maintaining their modest, monogamous reputations. Note that the town of Blue Ball has one of the lowest rates of sexually transmitted diseases in the USA (tied with Onancock, VA.)


Further possibilities:

Spread Eagle, WI
Cumming, GA (or Climax, GA)
Weiner, AR
the aforementioned Onancock, VA
Big Dick Canyon, AZ
Whiskey Dick Mountain, WA
Knob Lick, MO
Love Canal, FL
Squaw Tit, AZ

and a few more.


Anyway, I thought it was funny, but whatevs, as Solveig would say. Also, if you are funny and have an idea for a humorous list I could slap together without an enormous amount of research, I'd appreciate you throwing me a bone.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Colonel Bat Guano, If That IS Your Real Name

Current Song: "Orchard Of My Eye" -- The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

It's midnight and it's bright enough outside to drive without headlights. Going theories on this are A) a low-hanging, very dense cloud cover which reflects the city lights back onto the snow; or B) nuclear terror.

I had lunch this afternoon with Leslie at Fuji-Ya in downtown STP. It turned into an adventure because neither of us had ever ordered from a sushi menu before, but everything we ended up with was amazing/delicious.

I was settling in this evening for some Simpsons DVD watching and snacking on Cheez-Its when Jayme called and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner. I, of course, did. He had a gift card to the Olive Garden where neither of us had been for years. The salad and breadsticks are just as good as I remember, but I unfortunately left my leftovers at his place. We hung out after dinner at his house, where he burned me a copy of American Idiot (my old copy was all electronic and was lost when my hard drive turned Judas on me), and then we watched Dr. Strangelove on the projector. Still one of my favorite movies of all time, and he'd never seen it, so that was a blast.

So, in essence (Purity of Essence), today was a good day. Except when I picked up a prescription and it was $150 for one bottle of pills. Boo.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

When The Conductor Fucks Up

Current Song: "Gimme Shelter" -- The Rolling Stones

Rock Band is so much fun, it's ridiculous. Especially when Greg is singing. We all laughed so hard we cried.

I had two phone calls to make today and I failed at both. I should call Dennis right now since his question could be answered through voicemail.

There, that's done. I just have to remember to call whoever it was for the other call tomorrow.

I'm hungry. I have a lot of chocolate but binging on chocolate is not good for me and my heart rate. I don't want to make anything complicated, though, so I'm not sure what I'll do. Snack on Cheez-Its, probably.

I had another one of those intensely vivid dreams that has a reasonably logical plotline and fully developed characters and a story arc and everything. This one involved a sadistic billionaire, a super-secret elite island resort, and auditions for the resort's showgirls that were to the death. As in, if you didn't make the cut, they murdered you, because you knew too much. And they kept you there against your will until the auditions were over. It was like a really fucked up reality show but with more murder and dramatic rescues and super creepy billionaire masterminds. Anyway, I remembered it all when I woke up but all I have is the shadows of it now. I wish there was some way to record dreams as they were happening, because I could squeeze some pretty fucking awesome commercial movie scripts out of mine.

Also the spell-check for Blogger indicates to me that "plotline" is not a real word. I call bullshit on this.

You Know Our Hearts Beat Time Out Very Slowly

Current Song: "Karma Police" -- Radiohead

I'm bored with everything, again, so I've got that going for me.

I had a great meeting with case management this morning, so I should be getting some problems solved/abated soon.

I should retitle this blog to "Guide To A Complete Fucking Mental Breakdown." I still maintain that that public speaking class I was forced to take ruined my life.

Sorry I've been such a downer lately. But on the other hand, fuck you.

I'm going back to playing with my Disney Princess Etch-A-Sketch.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Is The Side I Keep From Everyone

Current Song: "The Side You Never Get To See" -- The Frames

I have my initial meeting with my case management team in 39 minutes, so that's exciting.

Hannah came over and did a lot of cleaning and organizing last night (she even did my laundry! She's the best housekeeper ever.) I'm excited about it.

I skipped my sleeping pills last night so I'm running on no more than four non-consecutive hours of sleep. I have a headache from it and on the whole I am Not Thrilled.

Virtually all of my friends are unrepentant assholes and I almost can't believe it. I sent everyone a note yesterday afternoon saying that I had to quit drinking and I wouldn't be at bars for a while and not a single one of them has responded. Fuckers. This is the same group of people that, when I was hospitalized for two weeks and the only sign that I was still alive was a Facebook status update of "Keli is hanging out in the psych ward for a while", didn't even notice. Not one of them made any attempt to contact me at all until randomly the day I got out two of them texted me to see if I wanted to go to Bar Trivia that night (I did not). I'm trying to be forgiving because the alternative is having no friends at all, but that is a shitty thing to have happened and it's hard not to be bitter about it. These kind of shenanigans are why I have major trust issues.

I'm going to have a hard time wrestling with my self-preservation instinct of pretending to be polite and well-adjusted when I meet my case managers. When you've been depressed as long as I have, you get very good at hiding it, because there's usually no other option. But these people critically have to know how bad of shape I'm really in. That's their purpose. It does help that they're seeing me in the context of my own home, where I'm not bothering to dress up or anything.