But I've Got The Agoraphobia...?

Current Song: "The Ghost Of You Lingers" -- Spoon

I'm bored as hell. I'm not even excited for the Superbowl tomorrow since the person I was going to watch it with is a selfish bitch. I'm probably going to skip it entirely and stay in bed.

All I want to do is eat and my $50 did not buy very many groceries. I need to go to the store and use some of these food stamps, but I'm not finding the prospect of leaving the house very enticing. Such is my life.

Til We Hit The Wall

Current Song: "The Ghost Of You Lingers" -- Spoon

Somebody please tell my cat to stop yelling at me!

They Fell In Love

Current Song: "Copacabana" -- That one guy that's not Neil Diamond. Barry Manilow. I think.

My house smells incredibly bad and I can't change the kitty litter because I don't have any more. My grocery delivery service is where I get kitty litter and I can't use them because they don't take food stamps. And I can't get groceries, which I desperately need, and kitty litter home by bus. And these goddamn food stamps don't buy kitty litter anyway. Or taxi rides. Fuck this fucking shit.

Oh, also, we owe $822 to Xcel Energy.

Oh, also, I can't go back to work without losing my eligibility for SSDI...but I can't survive until that kicks in without going back to work.

Basically, I'm totally fucked over.

P.S. House Bunny is a terrible movie. Fuck Colby.

I'm Thinking She Needs Me

Current Song: "Tranquilize" -- The Killers

I kind of love Brandon Flowers.

I need money. And fun. And cuddles. Not necessarily in that order.

The Old-Fashioned Talking Cure

Current Song: "Ambulance" -- The Beauty Shop

I filed my taxes today, and I'm anticipating getting enough money to cover the rent for a little while. But I'm also hoping against hope that I don't get bit in the ass by some under-the-table money I made earlier. My life is hard.

And It Ain't Brain Surgery, But...

Current Song: "Ambulance" -- The Beauty Shop

You know what? I am not having a particularly good day. I am restless and sad and anxious and depressed, and it's no fun at all. I'm lonely and bored and utterly incapable of leaving the house. It's tearing me apart. I need something to do, but something that doesn't require me to go somewhere, because I won't. Speaking of, I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and I don't have a ride and basically it's not a very appealing prospect. Since I still don't have Medical Assistance and I ditched my last appointment at this clinic. You know, that + crippling agoraphobia = a good reason to cancel tomorrow's appointment.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

25 Random Facts About Me

1. My favorite TV show of all time is Futurama.

2. The longest I've ever held a single job is two years and two months.

3. I have moved 33 times since I was born in 1980.

4. I have lived in seven states and two countries.

5. I have been homeless three times.

6. When I was volunteering for Amnesty International, I wrote a letter to then-governor George W. Bush pushing for a new trial for a mentally ill woman who had murdered her husband and was facing execution in Texas. He wrote me a personal letter back addressing my concerns and explaining his reasons for supporting the execution and not granting her a stay. This letter was unfortunately destroyed during a subsequent move. I regret not hanging onto it.

7. I have eaten cake decorations as a meal.

8. I have been in love more than once.

9. I hate to cook but I make amazing pork chops.

10. I still really want a chemistry set.

11. I've broken each of my toes at least once, and some several times more than once.

12. I take eight pills of various kinds per day, on a good day.

13. I can't count the number of times I've been stung by bees.

14. I've almost been fired from more than one job for swearing.

15. My secret dream is to be a Medical Examiner, determining how people died and contributing to solving homicides.

16. More often than not I am confused about "left" and "right."

17. I can count to ten in Spanish, French, German, and Italian. I used to know Japanese as well, but I've forgotten everything past 4.

18. I collect religious icons but don't go to church.

19. I just found an entire jar of peanut butter in my room.

20. I also collect costume jewelry but I hardly ever wear it.

21. I have bitten my fingernails since birth. I recently broke my front tooth on a fingernail.

22. I have the hiccups every single day, at least once, and have for my entire life.

23. I can fix pretty much anything that's wrong with a toilet, unless it requires getting into the wall plumbing. Even then, I've just never tried it.

24. I love to travel but I am so averse to insects and spiders that I am too afraid to leave the Northern Hemisphere.

25. I almost exclusively read non-fiction these days, up to and including reading encyclopedias from A-Z.

I Should Go Back To Bed

Current Song: I don't know, some piano theme, probably a commercial jingle.

You should know that I can't worry about both of us so I sincerely hope you're doing okay. And not just what I think of as "okay," which is admittedly pretty loose.

I can't keep living this way and doing these things. I'm going to make an effort to stop. But I'm quitting a lot of things lately and it's hard, so let's all not judge me for anything, okay?

I'm thinking of starting a new blog that none of you can find so I can say what I really want to and talk about real shit. I hate self-editing.

Ain't Nobody Has To Know

Current Song: "Down Low" -- TLC

In a big step for an agoraphobe, I actually left my house and went to Chad's to eat homemade bread with sunflower-seed-butter and play Donkey Kong Country with him and Dan. I haven't been out of the house on a social call since Leslie's Christmas party on December 20. Note that I tried to cancel due to weather (it's -15 right now) and commute, but he called and said he would pick me up so I actually went. It was great. Although he and Dan both pressured me to get a job and neither of them know what the whole deal is, so that was awkward.

I'm going to go play Super Smash Bros. Brawl and eat Red Vines now.

If my tax refund comes through I may be able to avoid the group home for a while yet.

In My Quiet Mountain Town

Current Activity: Obsessing about watching Freaks & Geeks.

We blew off the opera after eating all of the crab at Red Lobster and buying Super Smash Bros. Brawl for the Wii. Then, Freaks & Geeks marathon. I wouldn't mind if all my weekends were like this.

And Leave You There Stripped Bare

Current Song: "The Bachelor And The Bride" -- The Decemberists

So it's quite likely I'm going to live in a group home for three months? Because that way the county will pay my rent on the house while employment services find me a job that doesn't conflict with my SSDI application or make me want to throw myself under a bus? I've been assured that I can leave the home to check on my cats. More updates as information follows. My history of homelessness and total inability to pay the rent anymore has led multiple caregivers to band together to find a solution that allows me to keep my house, which I appreciate, although three months in a group home isn't very appealing. It will keep me from drinking, though. Anyway, now this is happening. It's a good thing I stopped caring.

The Call Of Trouble Is Just Over The Horizon

Current Song: "16 Military Wives" -- The Decemberists

I updated my website for the first time in a long time.

I wonder how much longer I can go on not caring before it turns into a whole huge thing?

If I Just Turn And Run

Current Song: "Woke Up This Morning" -- A3

I'm still on the hunt for the first-person version of this song.

I went grocery shopping with food stamps (in actuality, a food stamp debit card) today for the first time. It was great, I got $60 worth of groceries and didn't have to pay for any of it. Then I had bread with hummus and blueberries for lunch and baked eggplant with almonds for dinner. Food I want for free? I love this idea.

Boys I know are sending me huge red flags lately and I don't need it. I think they should be grateful I'm even talking to them at all, given that they're boys and I'm me.

Speaking of me being me, I'm wearing a t-shirt that says "Fashion is not a luxury" right now. I got it for free, obviously. I find it funny, especially that I'm wearing it with relatively designer jeans, layered shirts from Target, and socks I inherited from Lila's late grandfather. I'm a damn fashion icon.

I was flipping through Pundit Kitchen on the I Can Has Cheezburger network (it might be punditkitchen.com, but I'm not sure) and I realized that I am attracted to Vladimir Putin. I think it's part of my raging power & authority thing. Like how I think bulletproof vests are really hot. Plus the icy emotional distance and the fact that he's evil and therefore totally off limits...hot.

My Eye Hurts For No Reason

Current Song: "13 Angles Standing Guard 'Round The Side Of Your Bed" -- A Silver Mt. Zion

Hannah came by and cleaned up everything that was wrecked from Friday, so I feel a bit better overall. Still, I'm not looking forward to this week of more doctor's appointments. I'm tired of the whole taking-care-of-myself routine and all I want to do is lay in bed or watch TV and not have to worry about being somewhere on time and for the allotted time I'm expected to be there. My life, no.

My throat had started feeling better but tonight has gotten a little worse. This is probably something that is going to require antibiotics to combat, since I'm pretty sure a virus would have given up and died or given up and killed me by now. Particularly since I made every effort to drown it in alcohol. You'll be glad to note I no longer have any alcohol in the house. Not even my two backup bottles of hard cider. This is a step in the right direction, I feel.

I'm sleepy already and I think I may just go to bed and watch Kids In The Hall until I get to sleep. Also, somebody buy me Kids In The Hall seasons 3-5. Scratch that, take the money you would have spent on DVDs and pay my rent for me instead, please. I can't, and I have no options to make it. And my case manager was quite up front about the fact that I can't pay rent with money I don't have and that I should expect to get evicted from this house, at which time they will move me to a group home for crazies. Can you see why I've been drinking? I would like to stay in my home, please.

I Stopped Caring This Morning

Current Song: "Jason Believe Me, You Can't Trust Your Dreams" -- Sunset Rubdown

I have felt poorly all day thanks to the near liter of cheap, vanilla-flavored vodka I drank (straight up, no chaser) last night, apparently. I'm going to bed to start over with a new day.

Also, I don't remember if I mentioned it, but I am pretty well fucked over as far as housing. And they're going to put me in a group home "for a while" if I have to move out of here. As though my home were NOT the only place on Earth I can even pretend to relax. As though my entire life is not based on continuing instability. As though I can even move into someplace anymore and unpack like I'm going to stay there. I'm eight months into a 12 month lease here and I've not finished unpacking, and I never will, because I'm just going to have to move and keep moving and God I don't know if I can keep doing it. I'm willing to bet that you have no idea, absolutely no idea, what it's like to feel totally and completely temporary. Do me a favor. Someday soon, take a few minutes to meditate on the ways in which you feel attached to the world -- family, a home, traditions, cultural roots -- everything that you are pretty confident is not going to change, everything you know you will ALWAYS HAVE, and count your blessings. And realize that some people would give the world over to feel like you do, right now.

I Am Not Your Friend When You Call

Current Song: "Orchard Of My Eye" -- The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

You know that night when you get the worst news ever and then you drink most of a liter of vodka straight? And then in the morning you wake up and you're curled up against someone you haven't spoken to in two years and you don't remember a thing? And then you spend the day mildly shaking because you're a total fucking alcoholic that probably should go to rehab even though you're insisting that you can stop drinking without it? And all you can think about is how, on top of the horrible news, you're a drunk? Don't you hate that night?

I FELL ON BLACK DAYS

I'm Mad As Hell And I Etc.

Current Activity: Watching the local news.

In these hard and exceptionally cold times, everyone talks about shelters as though there are big empty rooms full of warmth and clean mattresses and staff just wondering where everybody is, while those wacky homeless folks break into abandoned and foreclosed homes and light fires or turn on the heat. This makes me blind with rage. Shelters are full, KARE-11 news, and unbelievably dangerous. Understaffed. Underfunded. It's a cold snap (it's -55 tonight in Northern Minnesota) and you act like, "Those nutty homeless folks! They're breaking into this and that and all they have to do is go to a shelter!" Spend a few nights in a shelter, incognito, KARE-11. Find out why some people will die of hypothermia or burn to death in an uncontrolled fire before they go there. Find out how many people desperately plead to go there and are turned away because they're too drunk, too gay, or too late. It happens every goddamn day in this country and I'm sick as fuck of rich white people patting the heads of the homeless and crazy and saying shit like, "There was help, you just didn't use it." Fuck that and fuck you. Try living a life that isn't yours once in a while.

I can't even deal with today.

So Not What I Need

Current Song: It's the theme song from The Omen.

I can't tell the difference between feeling anxiety and feeling depression. Therefore, though I am sure that I am very nervous about my meeting with the county tomorrow morning to determine how much they are willing to aid me with cash, food stamps, and health insurance, I am experiencing it as crushing depression. Gross. Tomorrow sucks. Plus I have to go in and have a nurse tell me I don't have tuberculosis, which will be followed by me trying to sweet-talk her into taking a look at my throat to assess why it is made of Hell. Which I doubt she will do because she's just an overworked nurse at a clinic for the poor.

Fuck all this fucking bullshit.

Face It, You're Pregnant.

Current Song: "The Gold Finch And The Red Oak" -- Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

Instead of going to the emergency room, I fell asleep in front of the TV all day. Because after eight months of going without, I finally have a working television. (My mom bought me an antenna.) It was great but I just woke up and my throat hurts again/still.

The swelling in my throat might be what eventually kills me. That being said, I've made a preliminary determination that I do not have tuberculosis, based on the flatness of the PPD spot on my arm. So that's nice, I guess, but I guess that means we get back on the wheel again.

Please Come Here And Drive Me To The Emergency Room

Current Song: "How To Disappear Completely" -- Radiohead

My throat hurts. No, that's not right. My throat feels as though it contains a large and jagged piece of glass right where my right tonsil should be. I can't swallow without stretching my neck like an ostrich. Everything is agony. And I don't have a fever, so it's not strep. What the fuck is wrong with me these days?

You Can't Carry That Cross Alone

Current Song: "The Gold Finch and the Red Oak" -- Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

I used to have a recording of A3 (possibly recording under the full name, Alabama 3) singing the Sopranos theme song "Woke Up This Morning" that I obsessively loved. Except, when my hard drive died and I lost all my music, I discovered that the recording I had was apparently rare and unique. And the other versions just are not adequate. See, in mine, he was singing in first person, i.e. "Woke up this morning, got myself a gun/Mama always said I'd be the Chosen One" etc. But in every other version I can find, he sings in second person, i.e. "Woke up this morning, got YOURSELF a gun..." And the music is slightly different. I don't know from music, but I think the tempo is different. It's making me crazy. I've purchased or downloaded every one I can find and all of them are the wrong song. I just want mine back! If anyone, anywhere, knows what version I'm talking about and where I can find it, PLEASE let me know. Of all the things I lost in the hard drive disaster, this might be the one I miss the most.

Better Than Bramwell

Current Song: "Ocean Of Noise" -- Arcade Fire

There is at least a foot of new snow on the ground, as it's been snowing steadily since before I got up this morning at 9:30.

Sometimes I just feel lazy for having a case manager that manages things for me, but then I realize that when I try to do things on my own, I'm crap. I've been to the doctor twice in the last five days, and both times I needed to get a flu shot and pick up something at the pharmacy, and both times I didn't realize that until I was already on my way home. I suck at having a real life.

Also, I'm anxiously staring at the spot on my arm that may or may not swell to indicate that I have/do not have tuberculosis. I am Emily Bronte in The World Of Tomorrow.

Looking Down At A Broken Sidewalk

Current Song: "Spiritual" -- Johnny Cash

Possibly having tuberculosis sucks, when you consider the actual symptoms part of it. Tomorrow I'm going in for the skin test, which I will receive the results from later in the week. I hope it is tuberculosis because if it's not, it's going to take even more time to figure out what it IS, and I don't care for that prospect. No sir.

I spent much of my afternoon visualizing the tools and materials I would need to build a couch, along with the specific construction plans. I don't believe it would be very difficult, but it would have to wait until I didn't have to build it outside in the snow. I hope we can get a couch before then. I like the idea of laying down.

My mom bought me a TV antenna last night so I am awaiting its arrival in the mail. Hopefully, this lets my TV receive local and digital channels, so that I at least have something to look at while I'm killing time waiting for nothing. I haven't had a working television since May 9, 2008. It makes me want to die of boredom.

All My Therapy Kids Represent

Current Song: "Styrofoam Plates" -- Death Cab For Cutie

It would take me 15 days and 15 hours to walk non-stop from my house to Times Square. However, the route seems very scenic, so I would do it if I were a superhero. Or at least not an incredibly poor fat girl.

I've been deeply mired in negative self-talk lately. I hate that.

There's An Angel At My Table

Current Song: The Animal Crossing: City Folk title menu theme.

My cat is sitting on his books again and it's pretty damn cute. He's obsessed with books, pens, and hair ties. He's a weird cat, but I love him.

My coughing is sonorous and shakes the windows. I'm waiting for Karl to text me and tell me to keep it down when I'm coughing at 3 AM. Bring it on, Karl. I am patient zero.

All this patient zero and outbreak-a-mania crap makes me miss old friends who know this joke. The one about Stacy Keach. Christ, now no one in the world will ever understand me again.

I'm killing my day by reading a book about venerated relics of the Catholic church and nibbling at leftover Chinese food. Doesn't that pretty much seem like exactly what you picture me doing? In other news, I have a headache and I'm waiting on alert to see if I cough up blood like all the other TB kids do. Hasn't happened yet, but, you know. If it's gonna happen to someone you know...

Worse Than You Would Ever Know

Current Song: "Dashboard" -- Modest Mouse

I went to the doctor today for what was supposed to be a physical but then it turned out that I might have tuberculosis instead. So I have to go back on Monday for a blood test or something. Good times. It would explain the chronic cough, however.

I could really use a massage and someone to wash my bedding, not necessarily in that order. I hate doing laundry.

Stop Saying "Townies"

Current Song: "One For The Cutters" -- The Hold Steady

Posting fake personals on Craigslist and counting how many responses you can get before your post is flagged and removed is horrible, sinful fun. Also requesting pics so you can see if anyone you know responds. I am the worst person ever, but I'm also laughing the loudest.

It's This. This Is It.

Current Song: "Ambulance" -- The Beauty Shop

I see you stand in the distance
Fingers hanging from the fence
Looks like you could be convinced
If I offer you a lift
You'd turn your head and make a fist
You might feel a little pinch

Well, now's the time to run those reds
It sounds like someone's off their meds
Doesn't matter what you say

Step into my ambulance
Just as hurt as hurt can get
We can go there right away
We can go there

One time I tried to say "Hi"
And just love somebody, but
My job is to shut up and drive
And it ain't brain surgery, but
I remind you I'm on your side
And I'm good at listening
Just try, maybe you could survive
If you just said something

When we get there I'm not sure
The old-fashioned talking cure
Is a slow but precious gift

Step into my ambulance
Just as sick as sick can get
But I think I can help you yet
But I think I

One time I tried say "Hi"
And just love somebody, but
My job is to shut up and drive
And it ain't brain surgery, but
I remind you I'm on your side
And I'm good at listening
Just try, maybe you can survive
If you just said something

Let me plead my innocence
I offer up my sole defense
Doctor, can you heal yourself?

Step into my ambulance
Just as hurt as hurt can get
But I think I can help you yet
But I think I

One time I try to say I
Just love somebody, but
My job is to shut up and drive
And it ain't brain surgery, but
I'll remind you I'm on your side
And I'm good at listening
Just try, baby, you could survive
If you just said something

i'v been making a lot of mistakes lately.

Stop Fucking Giggling.

Current Song: "Souvenir" -- Brittle Stars

I woke up this morning with such a bad sore throat and headache that I couldn't sleep. Not auspicious. I had a burst of energy this morning but once I sat down to watch a movie I was dead. Now all I want to do is lie down, and I have appointments tomorrow.

I wish I hadn't run out of cookies. All I have is shitty Breyer's ice cream, and that's just not what I'm in the mood for.

I Hope This Works Out

Current Song: "Intervention" -- Arcade Fire

For the first time in a long time, I'm enjoying meeting new people. I hope you are too.