We're Hummingbirds Who Lost The Plot

Current Song: "Bury Me With It" -- Modest Mouse

I need to lay off the pill-popping. For the past couple days I've been living on Ativan and Vicodin. And Percocet and Oxycontin. Jesus Christ I have a problem.

Still, Ativan is a lifesaver these days.

Also, all the painkillers make me feel like my twisted spine is not attempting to escape, so that's good news.

I have to go back to Duluth tomorrow, until Wednesday night. This thought does not fill me with joy right now, as I am very tired. And I don't even get the option of wearing jeans this time. Not that I did last time, but I had the option.

Dear tranquilizers, don't ever leave me. I can't face the world without you.

I should probably eat something. Then again, maybe I just want to go to sleep.

I Look Straight In The Mirror

Current Song: "Hoodoo" -- Muse

"I've had recurring nightmares
That I was loved for who I am
And missed the opportunity
To be a better man."

Sorry, I always forget that part and had to write it down.

All I've done this weekend is pop pills and read Best Of Craigslist. I'm not saying it was a bad weekend, I'm just saying.

I'm glad we have each other. You know what I'm talking about.

I was terrified to go to work tomorrow and actually start holding appointments, but then I remembered the miracle of Ativan. I need to get that prescription refilled-slash-find the eight or so bottles I have laying around. Yeah, this shit ain't bad at all.

It Was Wrong But You Said It Was Right

Current Song: "Wreck Of The Edmond Fitzgerald" -- Gordon Lightfoot

Remember how Navy Dan had the worst taste in music of anyone I ever encountered, including people I know who are obsessed with country? He was a huge Gordon Lightfoot fan. I don't know why I just remembered that.

Some teenager got his head torn off by a Six Flags roller coaster in Georgia. He was on a church trip and scaled two fences into a restricted area in an apparent effort to retrieve his hat. So the first thing I thought when reading this story was "So first he lost his hat and then he lost his head?" Because I am a terrible person.

Also, worst roller coaster ride ever.

I randomly told everyone in the van the story of how I almost died in Lake Superior when we were crossing it. Sometimes I think I have no censorship mechanism at all. Why would they care?

I took my last Vicodin today partly to get rid of my horrendous cramps and partly because I'm not really above recreational use of opiates. Then I was filled with love for everyone but I continued sitting in my room wearing my gym pants and reading Best of Craigslist. On the plus side, my spine started feeling better. There's a lot to like about my life but the chronic poor health and history of injury does not make the list.

And It's High Time Kingdom Come

Current Song: "Won't Be Home" -- Old 97's

Cramps. Boo.

All I did was sleep today and snuggle with kitties. Sometimes at the same time.

Dear people who are younger than me and have crappy jobs: stop getting pregnant. You're not ready.

The Dream Police, They Live Inside Of My Bed

Current Song: Apu singing "The Dream Police" in the episode where Homer beats up George H.W. Bush.

I saw Wanted. It was badass.

Then it was kitty snuggles times, finally. Also, cat hair is blowing around my room like tumbleweeds. Damn shedding kitties.

My spine hurts again. I think it's from sleeping in the van on the way back from Duluth.

I get to sleep all day tomorrow if I so choose. And I probably do.

Air conditioning is a blessing. It eases my pain.

P.S. I drank a margarita. Then I drank a margarita and a half in under three minutes. Then I came home and got my foot caught in the screen door. One of these days I am going to die, spectacularly.

She Said "I Mean The End Begins"

Current Song: "The Men Are Called Horsemen There" -- Sunset Rubdown

I actually did some work today, which was nice as a change I guess. I found out that it's eerily easy to find out how much someone at a specific address in New Jersey is paying for property taxes. So we have that.

Apparently I'm going to some Angelina Jolie movie in a few minutes? I don't know, I'm just glad to get out of the house for a few minutes. No TV is wearing thin.

Work is so much better when there's music on. I listened to The Good, The Bad & The Queen and Sunset Rubdown all day today and it was faaaantastic.

I need to get in a better mood in a hurry, which I suppose means learning to forgive and forget. Which does not speak to my strengths.

The Colours We're Born To Mourn

Current Song: "What's Left Of The Flag" -- Flogging Molly

I need to get a handle on not getting drunk at work functions. That could end badly. That being said, every minute that I was not in an interminable meeting/lecture in Duluth was a blast. I truly feel good about my job. At least, right now.

That Blizzard ain't sitting well, and I should lie down.

I want to snuggle with my kitties but it's too hot today.

Given space and time to think about it, I still miss you. One of us needs to get a handle on that, too.

Was Written In The Sound Of Silence

Current Song: "The Sounds Of Silence" -- Simon & Garfunkel

Wow, right now, right at this minute, sitting here moments before I get ready to go to sleep, listening to music that doesn't remind me of anything, I really miss you.

So I Can't Stop Right Now

Current Song: "New Born" -- Muse (Paul Oakenfeld Mix)

I should listen to more Paul Oakenfeld mixes. I'm only barely skimming the edges of the whole house/trance scene, but I likes what I hears.

I am going on my first big-girl business trip tomorrow morning. Unfortunately I'm only going to Duluth, but I hope it's the kind of thing that opens doors. I'm hoping for big conferences I can attend across the country/world (but more likely country, as this is a pretty US-specific job.)

I've made conscious efforts in my life to be more friendly and less abjectly terrifying, but it doesn't seem to hold. Sorry, everyone. Sorry that the peculiar mix of experiences and perceptions that have congealed into my life occasionally give me over to outbursts about burning out your eyes with a cigarette. It's only when I feel threatened, really, but those times tend to be unpredictable and it's easy to blithely walk into them.

Remember when we were younger and we agreed that I would be an extremely effective cult leader? That's not a set of skills that necessarily translates to getting along in polite society.

In other news, my squeaky little black kitty and I have decided to be friends, which makes me feel good about myself, since she doesn't much care for anyone.

Oh God, I have to drive up to Duluth with five of my coworkers tomorrow and I can see choosing music to listen to turning into an Issue. Remember when I threatened to kill Skippy because he wouldn't turn off the oldies station? That was also on a drive to Duluth. This is going to end in tears.

Today I Fell Asleep In The Fetal Position On Our Rug

Current Song: "Dashboard" -- Modest Mouse

I finally moved into my real office today and brother, it is good times. I feel like such an adult. I get to decorate it now and it's a big step for me. I was thinking like a giant four-foot crucifix in glorious detail, but I guess that might make some people uncomfortable.

I spent the evening bonding with Meredith, because clearly that hasn't happened enough. I also spent the evening Rick-rolling her with some sort of ghost picture. You know, maybe you had to be there.

My cat is ignoring me and it's infuriatingly cute.

I drank a cup of hot chocolate this morning and it was clearly deadly, so I guess I'll have to go back to my stay-awake method of drinking an inch and a half of coffee and fervent prayer. My life is ludicrous sometimes.

I get to go on my first business trip this week and I'm nerdishly excited. I'm sure this will become world-weary misanthropy soon.

Good God, how am I not in bed yet?

It's Cold In The Shade Of The Woodshed, Baby

Current Song: "Snakes Got A Leg III" -- Sunset Rubdown

I'm headed to my real office for the first time today, to set up my computer and start planning my decorating. I love not having a cubicle job! Also, from what I hear, my office has a window. So way to go, first job out of college!

I've been using cheap disposable razors lately and I seem to have cut the living hell out of the back of my left knee. I'd be pretty excited if I didn't bleed through these pants.

The eight hours or so of sleep that I got last night was not enough. It's never enough. I call do-overs on this weekend.

It's already shaping up to be a hot and sticky day. Fuck you, Minnesota.

When I Look Back On All The Crap I Learned In High School

Current Song: "Kodachrome" -- Paul Simon

I was functionally dead all weekend due to a debilitating migraine that I just couldn't shake, so really mostly what I've done since Friday night is vomit and sleep. Now I'm awake and feeling better and I'm bored out of my skull. Also I'm hungry, and have very little recourse to options.

In England, "no recourse to public funds" is a euphemism for "illegal immigrant." I have to know that, so so do you.

Migraines tend to leave me a little loopy and lightheaded when they go away, so I might be difficult to communicate with today. Still, if you wanted to bring me ice cream or something, I wouldn't turn you down.

Also, don't you have a home of your own?

Kodachrome
You give us those nice, bright colors
You give us the greens of summers
You make us save all our blues
For a sunny day, oh yeah
I got a Nikon camera
I love to take the photographs
So, mama, don't take my Kodachrome away

My Thumb Is Bleeding

Current Song: "Lethal Enforcer" -- We Are Scientists

I accidentally impulse-bought tickets to this show this morning, even though I have specifically told myself to stop buying tickets to concerts.

I am waiting for people to not be assholes and do what they say they are going to do; namely, not bail on me at the last minute. I hate waiting. I am not a patient person.

I keep telling long stories that don't go anywhere. I really need to get a handle on that, it's even annoying me.

Who Just Isn't Willing To Try

Current Song: "Teacher" -- George Michael

Oh god, I'm so tired right now. My bed was so warm and soft and comfortable this morning that I had to drag myself out of it before I knew what was happening. How is it only Wednesday?

Remind me to download a lot of George Michael when I get home. It's one of those things that I keep forgetting that I love.

I have to find someone to take my August 4th shift since I will still be coming home from Chicago, I imagine. That's annoying but whatever, the important thing is, Lollapalooza.

I am sick and tired of the pitter-patter of little feet running around upstairs.

I was reading my old blog, which is a trip to heartache but I pulled through. BUT, the point is, I was reading about how I kept just sleeping in and going to work hours late because I couldn't make myself get out of bed, and as depressing as that was, it sure sounded like an appealing option this morning. There were a lot of commas there.

Can't stop yawning. I wish I was independently wealthy and didn't have to put up with this getting-up bullshit.

I've Seen Fire And I've Seen Rain

Current Song: Some James Taylor song.

Oh, heavens. Mistakes are being made. The good news is, good times are here again.

Sometimes TV On The Radio Stresses Me Out

Current Song: "When I Go Deaf" -- Low

I just realized I never got the new Low album. Sad.

I also just discovered that I could have been waking up half an hour later every morning and still getting to work on time. Thanks, MetroTransit Trip Planner! You jerk.

I think it's a bad sign that I'm already hungry and it's not quite 7:00 in the morning. I think I should bring some granola bars to work. What happened to my days of eating one meal per day? I've been steadily gaining weight for the last couple months.

I have a lingering headache and I wish it would take a break.

Also, you can always count on me to make a tasteless joke about a national disaster, apparently.

Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away

Current Song: "Such Great Heights" -- Iron & Wine

Keli and Meredith are officially going to Lollapalooza!! Eat it, everyone who's not us!

Also, Iron & Wine and DeVotchKa, along with several other acts, have been added to the already stellar lineup. I could not be more excited about this.

Our Lives Are Never Left To Chance

Current Song: "The Dance" -- Garth Brooks (thanks Leslie for making me listen to country! Now I hate summer!)

I drank a lot of tequila last night but feel surprisingly well today, just really tired. It doesn't help that I slept on a couch in front of a blaring television all night, I guess.

I remembered to call my dad today, thanks to everyone who was a champ and reminded me.

Maybe the thing I love most about working full time is that I have so much time in my life now where I'm "relaxing" instead of "slacking off," even though I'm doing the exact same things.

I went to bed twice today, and I'm thinking about going again.

I Can Breathe For The First Time

Current Song: "Since U Been Gone" -- Kelly Clarkson

This song is stuck in my head and I'm not excited.

Our last appointment at work today was a stressful fella, so when he left we all said "Fuck it" and took off, too. Of course, it still took me more than two hours to get home. I could drive to Duluth in the time it takes me to ride the bus home from Hopkins.

I'm experimenting with our countertop dishwasher to see if it will actually wash dishes. I've been without a dishwasher since early 2004, so my hopes are pretty high that it will work. Most of our dinner plates are, unfortunately, too tall for the rack, so it will have to be used for other stuff, but I'll live. I'll live.

I'm so tired, I'll probably turn in early tonight and then sleep until 3:30 tomorrow afternoon. Again. Because I'm a failure at doing things other than work. I can really only focus on the one thing at a time.

Also, and maybe this is unrelated, but I stopped taking my insomnia pills and I haven't had trouble trying to sleep. So I'm pretty sure it was the stress of my shitty apartment that was keeping me awake.

L-O-V-E

Current Song: "Songs In The Key Of Love" -- Dance Band

I went on a crazy shopping spree at Target and bought a million new cute things to wear to work. It was exciting.

I worked all day at the U. My training supervisor says that I'm doing really well and she thinks that I can afford to come in late while other people can't. It was a good day.

Except for the part where I got up to pee and yell at the cats at 4 AM and ended up stepping in a pile of cat vomit in the bathroom. I was Not Thrilled.

It makes me feel good about myself to know that I'm pretty okay at my adult job.

And We Rise In Protest

Current Song: "Bagman's Gambit" -- The Decemberists

I'm "working" from home again. That is to say, I'm harassing my cats, eating, singing along with the Decemberists, and halfway reading about foreclosure prevention. I'm only one test off of getting my raise, and it's the test that certifies me to be a housing counselor. It's not the most interesting thing in the world, but here we are.

I miss Meredith! Also, one of the cats totally vom'd in protest that she is gone, just like I told her they would.

My trivia team is out again this week. I wish we were more consistent people.

Ok, off to earn money.

I'm Pulling On The Red Cord

Current Song: "Red Chord" -- The Frames

I goddamn love The Frames.

My neck doesn't hurt as badly today but it's early yet.

Today's a big day for you, kid! I'll be thinking about you all day!

Off to another eight hours of sitting in a classroom. Wooo.

Your Green Eyes Turn To Blue

Current Song: "Who Shot The Baby?" -- Dogs Die In Hot Cars

MY GODDAMN SPINE GODDAMN HURTS AGAIN FOR NO REASON. If I have to go back to somehow even more physical therapy, I'm gonna be pissed.

My internet connection is spotty, I have the hiccups, and it's later than I want it to be. This week started off badly, so let's hope it can only go up from here.

It's So Hard To Resist

Current Song: "It's All Coming Back To Me" -- Celine Dion

I have NO IDEA why this song is in my head.

Wow, just about a minute ago I started having severe chest pains. I wonder if it's related to the cervical vertebrae I twisted in February that have suddenly started hurting again? Since yesterday I've lost my ability to turn my head suddenly and I've lost a lot of range of motion, especially turning to the left and craning my neck upwards. Really, it's just what I needed.

I had a lot of depressing clients at work today. I was shadowing the Housing Counselor On Call and we had like five calls in a row of people whose houses are being foreclosed on that totally have no options. This economy sucks.

This morning I managed to wake up 15 minutes before I had to be out the door, and then I got lost on my way to the office and ended up walking for over a mile. Before 8 AM. Today kind of sucked, globally.

I think it's time for kitty snuggles times.

Never Gonna Run Around And Desert You

Current Song: "A Day In The Graveyard II" -- Sunset Rubdown

I think it's still the same song.

It got hot and humid tonight.

I've been reading Daniel Clowes' comics all night and now I'm kind of emptily unhappy. Thanks a lot, asshole.

I'm already up too late.

I'm in the Minneapolis office all day tomorrow, sitting around keeping my mouth shut. Good times will be had by all.

Dear Meredith: I'll miss you this week, hope to see you soon.

1000 People Means 500 Don't

Current Song: "A Day In The Graveyard II" -- Sunset Rubdown

"When the conductor fucks up, you can't blame the symphony
so I won't blame you if you don't blame me..."

I have nothing to say, just music to sing.

I Know It Was Meant To Be This Way

Current Song: "Straw Hat and Old Dirty Hank" -- Barenaked Ladies

Wow, I totally failed at today. I accidentally fell asleep until about 3:30. I need to take a shower but I'd rather sit around in my PJs, reading Lies Across America by James W. Loewen. It's the sequel to Lies My Teacher Told Me and it's excellent.

It's kind of humid today, I don't love it.

The Pretty Face She Hid From The World

Current Song: It's that "This is the story of a girl/who cried a river and drowned the whole world..." song. I hate that song.

I got to sleep in but it wasn't enough. I'm glad it's Friday and I kind of don't even want to go anywhere this weekend, except maybe to the grocery store. I just want to enjoy my laying around time, since I have so little of it these days.

My job is pretty relaxed about the whole working-from-home thing, though, and I'm pretty excited about that. Of course, that will probably change once I start seeing clients.

It's been a rough week, but I have high hopes.

This Is Untitled, I Guess

Current Song: "Fly Trapped In A Jar" -- Modest Mouse

I can't stop making mistakes. I'm tired of being unhappy.

And When The Broken-Hearted People

Current Song: "Let It Be" -- The Beatles

I was sitting on my porch singing this song to my fat orange cat while the thunderstorm went on. It was a shade surreal.

I've been having a bad week. So, sorry everyone. I'm just not really sure what to do with myself right now.

I have to go back to Hopkins tomorrow, so let's pray I get out of there with all my money. I negotiated to get there later than the scheduled time (I was originally due in at 8:00 AM) because I'm sure as hell not getting up in time to leave the house at 6:00 en la pinche manana.

I really need to go grocery shopping but I'm so tired and unmotivated all the time.

I need to stop getting fatter.

I Hate Bottles

Current Song: "Don't You Evah" -- Spoon

I am not having a good week. Interpersonally or otherwise. I can't afford to get mad at you, please don't give me a reason to.

I spent a million dollars at an antique store in Hopkins today. I need to get a handle on that. But I am decorating our house like it's my real house.

Dear everyone: cut me some fucking slack right now, seriously. My life is in upheaval and I'm doing the best I can.

Dear Robby:

Current Song: "I Don't Really Love You Anymore" -- Magnetic Fields

I finally just walked right out of your life today, and I guess I feel better for it. I spent too much time throwing my life away over you and you spent too much time making me feel bad about it. I'd say I hope you're happy, but I don't.

I'm gone, and I'm glad.

Kids Are On Fire In The Bedroom

Current Song: "Eternity One Night Only" -- Cut Copy

These early mornings are wearing on me. At least tomorrow I can sleep in. I guess I will probably spend a large part of today looking at old cases to try to figure out what in the hell I'm supposed to be telling people that walk into my office. I hope that will keep me awake.

The worst thing about being happy at home is that I want to be at home all the time, even when I have important things to do, like work. This'll pass when I'm not so PMS-y, I'm sure.

Good God but I am tired. I stayed up way too late last night.

I'm Sad And It's Charlie's Fault

Current Song: "Dirtywhirl" -- TV On The Radio

For some reason I also have the doxology in my head. You know, "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below..." If you went to church you know what I'm talking about.

I have had cramps all day which were much alleviated by the generous donation of a Percocet. I really need to keep an eye on that, though. If I had easy access to Percocet I'd already be dead.

I already miss Charlie too much.

I'm up too late to have to get up so early.

I feel good these days. Better than I've been able to feel in a long time.

For A Thousand Summers

Current Song: It's the song that plays over footage of Fry's dog growing old and dying of loneliness in Futurama.

I am pretty damn tired of cleaning up cat vomit. Seriously, it's every day.

I need to go grocery shopping and do laundry and I don't really feel like doing either one of those things. Probably laundry will get done before shopping, because it's easier for me to wait it out and go when I have access to a car. On the downside of that, though, is the dire immediacy of how much we need to take out our garbage, and our utter lack of replacement garbage bags.

I went out last night and had fun getting tipsy and throwing peanuts at the kids. It took me an hour to get there and an hour to get home, which was not my favorite. On the bus on the way home I ended up talking to this old lady who was carrying around a Yorkshire terrier. She was selling homemade crafts to pay off a large vet bill that the dog incurred when a crackhead grabbed the carrier from her and threw it. People on the bus are so interesting.

The song that's in my head is:
"If it takes forever, I will wait for you
For a thousand summers, I will wait for you..."
and it's depressing.

I should probably get dressed or I will end up not doing anything today. Again.