I Think He Only Read The Words "Actual Travel Guide"
Current Song: "Parting Of The Sensory" -- Modest Mouse
I've started pitching ideas for articles for Cracked (well, I've sort of started, in that I only had one idea.) I'm into it because they pay actual money for accepted articles and it's not incredibly hard to write something acceptable. That being said, my pitch was rejected within about five minutes and I was told that "Cracked doesn't really publish articles like this." Rejection sucks but whatever, I'll keep working on thinking of something funny in list form, apparently.
Anyway, for your enjoyment/horror/denunciation of my name and family, here is the pitch that I submitted (required a title, a sample of the article, and a partial list of the list.):
Your Travel Guide To The X Sexiest Towns In America
I know "funny place names" is a done-to-death topic on the internet, so I am pitching the idea that I write an actual travel guide to towns with (specifically sexy) funny names. For example:
X. Beaver, OK
The approach to Beaver from the North is so breathtaking your hands are sure to shake. As you come up through the thickly-forested wilderness that surrounds the town on three sides, be sure to inhale the intoxicating scent of this rarely-touched overgrowth. Notice the little rivulets and springs that run through the narrow valley in the center of the town's perimeter, keeping the area rather humid for most of the year.
The biggest landmark in Beaver is the church steeple at the very North end of town, just past the edge of the forest. Although this church may look very inviting, if you dive right into it, you will miss the other, subtler pleasures that Beaver has to offer. We highly recommend that you begin by taking a slow, meandering wander around the edges of town, perhaps several times. Acquaint yourself with the friendly locals, who are likely to offer you hospitality and a slice of the town's trademark strawberry pie. Take your time out here.
After you have seen what the nooks and crannies of Beaver have to offer, we invite you to take a leisurely drive down Beaver's main strip. You'll find that this valley road, located deep within Beaver canyon, is an agreeably warm temperature in both winter and summer. We recommend that you spend a considerable amount of time exploring the caverns and exposed strata of the valley, as there is much to discover and enjoy. At the end of your valley tour, proceed slowly (but not too slowly!) to the steepled church. Notice how the sunset reflects off of the structure, turning it a deep blush pink. Take a deep breath (or two), and use both hands to open the heavy doors of the church and explore all the glories it has to offer. We promise that, once you've been to Beaver, you'll never want to leave.
X. Blue Ball, OH
Traveling alone? Then you'll love what Blue Ball has to offer you. The town is designed specifically with the single man in mind. Along the main strip, you'll find bars galore, from dives to classy places that only serve Manhattans and martinis. Each bar is staffed exclusively by young, perky, scantily-clad women who are happy to serve your needs, as long as they are restricted to drink service. The bars are also the local "hot-spots" for the area's large population of lesbians and married women, and local girls will not hesitate to accept drinks from you, slowly run their fingers down your spine and/or chest while dancing with you, and start make-out contests with you as elected judge. However, under no circumstances will any of these girls be interested in going anywhere with you, not even to the bar bathroom or the backseat of your Pontiac. Blue Ball girls take a special pride in maintaining their modest, monogamous reputations. Note that the town of Blue Ball has one of the lowest rates of sexually transmitted diseases in the USA (tied with Onancock, VA.)
...
Further possibilities:
Spread Eagle, WI
Cumming, GA (or Climax, GA)
Weiner, AR
the aforementioned Onancock, VA
Big Dick Canyon, AZ
Whiskey Dick Mountain, WA
Knob Lick, MO
Love Canal, FL
Squaw Tit, AZ
and a few more.
-------
Anyway, I thought it was funny, but whatevs, as Solveig would say. Also, if you are funny and have an idea for a humorous list I could slap together without an enormous amount of research, I'd appreciate you throwing me a bone.
I've started pitching ideas for articles for Cracked (well, I've sort of started, in that I only had one idea.) I'm into it because they pay actual money for accepted articles and it's not incredibly hard to write something acceptable. That being said, my pitch was rejected within about five minutes and I was told that "Cracked doesn't really publish articles like this." Rejection sucks but whatever, I'll keep working on thinking of something funny in list form, apparently.
Anyway, for your enjoyment/horror/denunciation of my name and family, here is the pitch that I submitted (required a title, a sample of the article, and a partial list of the list.):
Your Travel Guide To The X Sexiest Towns In America
I know "funny place names" is a done-to-death topic on the internet, so I am pitching the idea that I write an actual travel guide to towns with (specifically sexy) funny names. For example:
X. Beaver, OK
The approach to Beaver from the North is so breathtaking your hands are sure to shake. As you come up through the thickly-forested wilderness that surrounds the town on three sides, be sure to inhale the intoxicating scent of this rarely-touched overgrowth. Notice the little rivulets and springs that run through the narrow valley in the center of the town's perimeter, keeping the area rather humid for most of the year.
The biggest landmark in Beaver is the church steeple at the very North end of town, just past the edge of the forest. Although this church may look very inviting, if you dive right into it, you will miss the other, subtler pleasures that Beaver has to offer. We highly recommend that you begin by taking a slow, meandering wander around the edges of town, perhaps several times. Acquaint yourself with the friendly locals, who are likely to offer you hospitality and a slice of the town's trademark strawberry pie. Take your time out here.
After you have seen what the nooks and crannies of Beaver have to offer, we invite you to take a leisurely drive down Beaver's main strip. You'll find that this valley road, located deep within Beaver canyon, is an agreeably warm temperature in both winter and summer. We recommend that you spend a considerable amount of time exploring the caverns and exposed strata of the valley, as there is much to discover and enjoy. At the end of your valley tour, proceed slowly (but not too slowly!) to the steepled church. Notice how the sunset reflects off of the structure, turning it a deep blush pink. Take a deep breath (or two), and use both hands to open the heavy doors of the church and explore all the glories it has to offer. We promise that, once you've been to Beaver, you'll never want to leave.
X. Blue Ball, OH
Traveling alone? Then you'll love what Blue Ball has to offer you. The town is designed specifically with the single man in mind. Along the main strip, you'll find bars galore, from dives to classy places that only serve Manhattans and martinis. Each bar is staffed exclusively by young, perky, scantily-clad women who are happy to serve your needs, as long as they are restricted to drink service. The bars are also the local "hot-spots" for the area's large population of lesbians and married women, and local girls will not hesitate to accept drinks from you, slowly run their fingers down your spine and/or chest while dancing with you, and start make-out contests with you as elected judge. However, under no circumstances will any of these girls be interested in going anywhere with you, not even to the bar bathroom or the backseat of your Pontiac. Blue Ball girls take a special pride in maintaining their modest, monogamous reputations. Note that the town of Blue Ball has one of the lowest rates of sexually transmitted diseases in the USA (tied with Onancock, VA.)
...
Further possibilities:
Spread Eagle, WI
Cumming, GA (or Climax, GA)
Weiner, AR
the aforementioned Onancock, VA
Big Dick Canyon, AZ
Whiskey Dick Mountain, WA
Knob Lick, MO
Love Canal, FL
Squaw Tit, AZ
and a few more.
-------
Anyway, I thought it was funny, but whatevs, as Solveig would say. Also, if you are funny and have an idea for a humorous list I could slap together without an enormous amount of research, I'd appreciate you throwing me a bone.
spit at you by Nil at 10:35 PM
2 Comments:
lol, hilarious. i'd totally read that guidebook! you should write it anyway, self publish.
um, you are my hero. also, there is a town in Arizona just west of the reservation called WHY. and every morning/night i drive by a sign that says "WHY SENIOR CITIZENS" and i say "i know, right??" and i think of you. <3
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