This Is About Music
Apparently, the National Association of Recording Merchandisers, in association with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, have come up with the "definitive" list of the 200 albums every music lover must own or why bother living anymore? The list, known by the absolutely witty name "The Definitive 200" can be found here. As you can see, it is a "definitive" list of (almost) 200 horribly commercial compilations of absolute dreck. And a few good albums, like Prince's 1999, which is genius. As best as I can tell, the National Association of Recording Merchandisers (NARM) are the guys that sell officially-licensed t-shirts and posters that you can buy at Spencer's Gifts when you're 13. So, clearly the voice of authority here.
I paged through the list and realized with growing embarrassment that I own or have owned thirteen (13) albums that made it into this marketing ploy (COMPLETE YOUR COLLECTION! trumpets the home page.) And because I'm a believer in bringing my shame to the masses, here they are:
#5: U2, The Joshua Tree (1987). I got it for my birthday in approximately 1993. On cassette tape. Honestly, not that bad of an album. It was before Bono got those sunglasses.
#26: Alanis Morissette, Jagged Little Pill (1995). I'm not going to lie to you here, I still have this and I've listened to it sometime in the last year or so. Sometimes we all question whether she will go down on you in a theater.
#28: Eminem, The Marshall Mathers LP (2000). This was on my hard drive until my computer crashed. I am a closet Eminem fan. Even though, as a feminist and a gay rights activist, officially I'm offended.
#48: Dave Matthews Band, Crash (1998). This was an honest mistake. I owned Under the Table and Dreaming on cassette tape and I had listened to it so often it wore out and I had to re-buy it. When Crash came out I was expecting more of the same inaccessible, dissonant, violin-heavy alternative rock that I had grown to love. Instead I got Dave Matthews groaning on and on about some girl hiking up her dress over made-for-the-masses, inoffensive guitar and drum work. I have never felt so deeply betrayed by an album or an artist than I did by this album and artist. That was nearly 10 years ago and I would still cross the street to spit on Dave Matthews. That bastard.
#61: Green Day, American Idiot (2004). In spite of massive overexposure and Billy Joe holding himself up as the new Neil Young, I still like this album. It also disappeared when my hard drive crashed, and I miss it.
#63: Eminem, The Eminem Show (2000). You might as well know the whole truth--I had all the Eminem albums. They're gone now, and if I had the ability to download, I'd have them all back.
#64: Jewel, Pieces of You (1995). I'm sorry, everyone.
#91: Matchbox 20, Yourself or Someone Like You (1996). Honestly, Matchbox 20 is another totally guilty pleasure. I like this album, or I did before it joined the rest of my data files in Rock 'n' Roll Hell. I would go so far as to say I loved parts of it, like "Long Day." Rob Thomas has an easy-to-emulate accent that I find irresistible.
#92: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Californication (1999). I guess I'm a sucker for harmony and Anthony Kiedis' sweet tattoos.
#99: Soundtrack, Dirty Dancing (1987). C'mon, if you didn't own this, you should have. Patrick Swayze sings "She's Like The Wind."
#111: Radiohead, OK Computer (1997). Still one of the best albums ever made. Has credibility no matter what list it's on.
#130: Soundtrack, O Brother Where Art Thou? (2000). Good stuff.
#159: Boyz II Men, Cooleyhighharmony (1993). I guarantee I had this album on cassette because I slow danced to "End Of the Road" for my first dance in junior high.
There are a lot of other albums on this horror show that I owned part or most of, or that someone I lived with owned so I got a lot of exposure to it (for examples, I had part of the Smashing Pumpkins Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, and my mom had all of the Simon and Garfunkel albums.) Thank you for joining me in this exercise in disappointment and nostalgia, which are often the same thing.
I paged through the list and realized with growing embarrassment that I own or have owned thirteen (13) albums that made it into this marketing ploy (COMPLETE YOUR COLLECTION! trumpets the home page.) And because I'm a believer in bringing my shame to the masses, here they are:
#5: U2, The Joshua Tree (1987). I got it for my birthday in approximately 1993. On cassette tape. Honestly, not that bad of an album. It was before Bono got those sunglasses.
#26: Alanis Morissette, Jagged Little Pill (1995). I'm not going to lie to you here, I still have this and I've listened to it sometime in the last year or so. Sometimes we all question whether she will go down on you in a theater.
#28: Eminem, The Marshall Mathers LP (2000). This was on my hard drive until my computer crashed. I am a closet Eminem fan. Even though, as a feminist and a gay rights activist, officially I'm offended.
#48: Dave Matthews Band, Crash (1998). This was an honest mistake. I owned Under the Table and Dreaming on cassette tape and I had listened to it so often it wore out and I had to re-buy it. When Crash came out I was expecting more of the same inaccessible, dissonant, violin-heavy alternative rock that I had grown to love. Instead I got Dave Matthews groaning on and on about some girl hiking up her dress over made-for-the-masses, inoffensive guitar and drum work. I have never felt so deeply betrayed by an album or an artist than I did by this album and artist. That was nearly 10 years ago and I would still cross the street to spit on Dave Matthews. That bastard.
#61: Green Day, American Idiot (2004). In spite of massive overexposure and Billy Joe holding himself up as the new Neil Young, I still like this album. It also disappeared when my hard drive crashed, and I miss it.
#63: Eminem, The Eminem Show (2000). You might as well know the whole truth--I had all the Eminem albums. They're gone now, and if I had the ability to download, I'd have them all back.
#64: Jewel, Pieces of You (1995). I'm sorry, everyone.
#91: Matchbox 20, Yourself or Someone Like You (1996). Honestly, Matchbox 20 is another totally guilty pleasure. I like this album, or I did before it joined the rest of my data files in Rock 'n' Roll Hell. I would go so far as to say I loved parts of it, like "Long Day." Rob Thomas has an easy-to-emulate accent that I find irresistible.
#92: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Californication (1999). I guess I'm a sucker for harmony and Anthony Kiedis' sweet tattoos.
#99: Soundtrack, Dirty Dancing (1987). C'mon, if you didn't own this, you should have. Patrick Swayze sings "She's Like The Wind."
#111: Radiohead, OK Computer (1997). Still one of the best albums ever made. Has credibility no matter what list it's on.
#130: Soundtrack, O Brother Where Art Thou? (2000). Good stuff.
#159: Boyz II Men, Cooleyhighharmony (1993). I guarantee I had this album on cassette because I slow danced to "End Of the Road" for my first dance in junior high.
There are a lot of other albums on this horror show that I owned part or most of, or that someone I lived with owned so I got a lot of exposure to it (for examples, I had part of the Smashing Pumpkins Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, and my mom had all of the Simon and Garfunkel albums.) Thank you for joining me in this exercise in disappointment and nostalgia, which are often the same thing.
spit at you by Nil at 2:16 PM
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